Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Result of school meetings

Yeah, Lorel, I want to comment on that. I don't know if it's true, but if it is, it's of no consequence to me.

I'm currently working with the school for accomodations that will be right for my daughters. And I love my husband dearly, but I would never send him in, he is not as effective a negotiator as I am. It has nothing to do with gender. More indicative of career/life experience and temperment.

It would be a mistake for any administrator to assume I am overinflating my child's needs because I am a doting mother with nothing better to do with my time. It would also be a miscalculation to assume that I'm not resourceful enough to push successfully if a realistic request is met with resistance for no good reason.

With that said, so far my talks with our principal have been met with respectful consideration, even though I feel we have different philosophies on gifted education and said child's needs.

Our talks with the school haven't gone as seemlessly as JB's, however, we have a different animal here, I think, in terms or who I deal with at an administrative level.

I think that me being able to attend helped our case. Hard to say for sure. I know that the psychologist report helped the most. In out initial meetings with the school we got standard answers. Putting ourselves in their shoes (knowing they see parents like us every year), keeping a positive dialog, and then getting our documentation really helped. I know that doesn't always work. In fact if we had a different Director, this might have been a completely different story. It's also unfortunate that there are probably a lot of people who wouldn't be able to get their own psychologist report.

We still need to get that school board approval, but I think we're okay. I think that is just an administrative detail at this point.

JB

Great to Hear, It sounds like the beging of a fix for you. I wish more parents would advocate for their kids.

On the dad issue, I may be way off base. I saw no real differance, but my DW belived their was a diferance in the way they treated me. I never saw it though.

Dads may be less emotional maybe, more structured in their approch. I don't know I am guessing.

I paid about $700 to get for testing for DS and got nothing in way of a report. Scores only ... and there are math errors on the report that still aren't corrected and it's been since March 2008. Got just a sheet w/ scores on it.

DH's presence helped us with the school. I don't think the man necessarily has to be in the forefront of the conversation, but if he's present and supportive, it might matter.

I know that when I talked, they nodded politely and ignored everything I said, just as they had been ignoring everything I said for a month or more. Then DH said, "Hold it! You're not hearing her!" and said EXACTLY what I had JUST said. Word for word! Suddenly, they all exchanged looks and the school made concessions. It was annoying, but at least it was effective.

I think you use every tool in your toolbox to help your child. If you can whip out Daddy for a meeting (and not everyone can), then I recommend that you should. Even if all he does is nod agreement with everything Mom says, it can't hurt. And schools are generally sexist places--they see moms all day long, but not many dads--so his presence might very well might help.

For what it's worth, the Director of our school seemed very responsive when DW and I went in together to talk. Admittedly, we weren't making any demands. But we described our DS4's abilities and asked whether there was anything special he thought we should do beyond allowing DS to work a level ahead (which he had already approved). He had clearly thought about it and laid out what seemed to us a reasonable plan. I did the talking, and that may have been important. But if I had to guess I'd say it probably helped also that DW was there. Somehow it seemed to present a united front.

BB

I don't doubt that it is a benefit to have both parents present. So far, though, I have been the one to advocate. Not because my husband doesn't agree concerning the need, but that he has a high level of confidence in my abilities.

The tester that ID'd the girls has told me that he hasn't seen anyone get as far as I had in obtaining accomodations for our children. He's been working with the school district for many years.

I think the difficulty dealing with the district has more to do with the size of it, and the number of people involved in the decision making. Less to do with the fact that I am a mom and I didn't bring hubby along.

My 2 cents.

Incogneato, I hope that you don't think I was devaluing your ability to negotiate. I simply wanted to hear opinions from the people who have gone out there and attempted to advocate. It's been a long time since I had a child in school, and I wanted to get some feedback on that rumor. It seems that at least some people here feel that having a Dad present at meetings did make a difference. Of course there are too many variables to make any real conclusion, but it is interesting to hear everyone's perceptions.

Bianca, I find it very surprising that your ex denies any level of giftedness in a child so clearly advanced. It makes me feel sad for dd, as her Dad doesn't seem to know her.

No, Lorel, I didn't feel that way. Perhaps there is some level of unconscious bias towards the male parent I don't really know. Maybe I could say it better this way; If there is it is of no matter to me because at some point the school had to have figured out that I wasn't going away. Did I ever feel that I had been "managed", patted on the head and sent back out to play? Maybe, a little at the beginning. But it didn't really matter because it didn't phase me. I simply aquired the information I needed and went back in. And went back in and went back in. I was never emotional or illogical and I think it's unfortunate that anyone would hold that gender based stereotype in this day and age. My husband, who is brilliant, would have been more likely to become emotional and illogical!!

So if I was successful in advocation I think it would be because:

I did a lot of research and talked to a lot of people.

I treated it like a business meeting even though there really is nothing MORE personal than my children!

I never told them what they should do. I merely stated the problems that were occuring, why I thought they were occuring and asked them: What can you do about this?

I was polite and respectful.

I was persistant.

I never ever beat a dead horse. Each time I contacted the school it was from a different angle with more or new information.

Lastly, I didn't try to change their system. Some may be disappointed that this seems defeatest, some truth to it. I just figured out the system the best that I could and figured out how to make it work for my children.

Admittedly, I get a little snarky at the idea that the lone mom may have less efficacy in advocation efforts. I mean, I don't sit in on my husband's meetings with the C.E.O. to offer advice or moral support!

As a side note, at one of the conferences the teacher spoke directly to me even though my husband was there! She didn't even make eye contact with him!

I really don't direct my snarkiness to anyone here or any comments on this discussion. It's just that the idea that a mom wouldn't be taken as seriously unless "the man" is present just floors me!!!!

No offense to "the men" on the forum.......

JB! Yippee!
Thanks for standing up for your child and who knows? Perhaps the school will be so thrilled with the results that they will open the door for other kids who are similarly in need of a skip!

Yippee!

I've noticed that there is a great variety in how schoolies react to parents. Some are frankly sexist. Some are not. Sometimes a father's just sitting and not even saying 'boo' will make a big difference. Because it signals that he is 'on board?' because of sexism? It varies! There is also a variety in how involved both parents get in the whole 'gifted thing' - sometimes one parent, father or mother, will end up with the lion's share of 'thinking about a child's special educational needs.' Sometimes both parents are 'into it.'

I believe that the key is that every positive step is a victory for each family, and may touch many lives that we will never know about.

Smiles,
Grinity