Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Tearful return to school

Today was the first day back to school after Holiday break. DS7 was very tearful on the walk to school. He stated he wants the day to go faster and that everyone is learning things that he already knows. "If I were learning something the day would go faster" Specifically, he dislikes math class because they are learning adding and he "knows all that". We have been happy with this school and teacher as they have taken several steps to provide differentiation so I encouraged him to share his thoughts with the teacher. He refused and then totally broke down stating she will get mad at him and said he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Not sure what to do other than respect his wishes that we a)don't talk about it anymore and b)don't talk to the teacher about it. This general dislike of school has been going on for several months but this was the first time it escalated to tears. I see school refusal issues blooming and want to do anything I can to avoid going down that road. Your thoughts, encouragement, suggestions greatly appreciated.

I've been in his place, but it did not lead to school refusal. Your mileage may vary.

I'd say that the fact that he's heading downward emotionally indicates that doing nothing is not an option.

I am EXACTLY where you are at with DYS DS6. It is NOT a comfortable place to be - on one hand, you want to teach him to respect and listen to the school and teacher. On the other hand, you know that your child is extremely unhappy because they are having to repeatedly do math that they have already mastered, perhaps long ago.

I personally think that 6-7 is MUCH too young to expect the average kiddo to advocate for themselves (and I have 2 DC with VERY different personalities, so I understand that YMMV).

Afterschooling works to a point, especially if it is limited to one subject. At some point, however, it is simply unfair to the child and the parent.

Does this school have a G&T program available now or in the future? Can your DS be subject accelerated (refer to the IAS)?

I haven't solved the problem yet. I am lending support, however, just so that you do not feel alone. I am also following this thread for the great suggestions of others.

Apologies if you have posted previously on this, but would your son's school consider end-of-year testing for him with an eye to possible single-subject acceleration in math? Our son's school did this and it's helped greatly to have him accelerated (two years) in that subject.

I had a crying first-grader this morning as well. I do not expect him to advocate for himself at this age. I have been in touch with his teacher, who is great, and we are changing things up for him. She understands that he is spinning his wheels and at this point he is transitioning to working on independent projects and reading much of the time. This works for him because he is focused and independent and also because his teacher is sort of a maverick who doesn't mind going off script. It does not work for all kids.

Well, I don't know any kid who wanted to return to school but in your DS' case, there is a specific culprit that can be addressed. I wouldn't expect a second grader to self-advocate although it would be helpful for him to respond appropriately if questioned. DS actually received his first math acceleration at that age because frankly by that time, math class was intolerable. He went from 2nd to compacted GT 3rd/4th grade math and the only challenges were the extensive writing and increased executive function skills.

DS actually spoke to the K teacher (without my knowledge until months later) about lack of math instruction but was satisfied with her response that K was for focusing on other areas and that he won't learn any math until first grade. We were very fortunate that he had an exceptional teacher in K and was extremely happy otherwise. Unfortunately, other than graphing data and some miscellaneous topics, first grade did not provide any math instruction either so DS was significantly more disappointed by that time. On the positive side, there was such heavy focus on reading and writing that math was still a small part of the day. Furthermore, the first grade teacher was the person who nudge me to accelerate him in math the next year.

Anyhow, my point was that you need to take action when it truly becomes intolerable but sometimes waiting a little can have benefits. In our case, I am glad that we waited until he was 7 because his writing (composition) ability as well as handwriting and executive functions skills were strong enough by then to succeed without risking second citizen status. The other advantages were that we had positive feedback from prior teachers to support the acceleration and DS happily accepted the bad/inconveniences because he really appreciated the opportunity by that point. For example, his second teacher voluntarily changed the class schedule so the math classes lined up but there were still occasions when he had to miss math class or miss something fun in 2nd grade.

I would begin by asking the teacher for differentiation and if that doesn't work, then ask for acceleration.

Thank you all for your responses. We have 3rd grade math and reading differentiation at this point, but it sounds like it is being provided during other "boring" times and not specifically during math class. The teacher, principal and school have been incredibly receptive as my husband and I have advocated for changes. This is the only reason I felt comfortable asking DS how he would feel about telling the teacher. I was surprised by his response as he is quite outgoing and hasn't been afraid to tell the teacher when she has made an error. "Actually Mrs X, the sun is composed of...." I did decide to e-mail the teacher and explain the situation. We are going to watch and see how the remainder of the week goes. Thanks for encouraging me to take action.

Quantum2003 - I thought differentiation was going to be the solution for us. You may be right. We may have to seek acceleration if the differentiation isn't working.

I wanted to offer you a virtual hug. I was in your shoes this time last year and it was dreadful to see my little guy so sad. I loved school as a kid and to hate it at 7 is so crummy. I would work to differentiate more. Perhaps add in math via computer (AoPS, EPGY, etc.) to supplement. Good luck!

My DS10 hates standing out. His MO has always been to not say anything to the teachers. We always ignore this particular wish of our kid. Since he is a hider, the teachers don't get the brunt of the complaints -- they see a happy kid. We get the complainer/crier who can't take it anymore.

I have always encouraged DS to self-advocate, but he will not, and only now that he's in 6th grade to I expect him to do at least a little. He is making baby steps closer to doing so, however. This year, when he moved to a middle school that did not have accelerated program like the one he was used to, he finally asked us to talk to his teachers about the classes that were too slow/too easy. He got moved up to more difficult classes. So there is a light at the end of the tunnel sometimes!

Good luck! I hope you get a positive response from the school.

DS7 has the same issue and he is now being sent to special ed for math to work on Khan Academy on the computer and do above-level workbooks. It's basically all independent work but since he is out of the classroom the teacher can't force him to do the "baby math". I'm not really clear on how long he is being sent out. The district very reluctantly agreed to this, at first saying that he had to stay in the "least restrictive environment" (the classroom...hahaha). DS has an IEP for being "physically impaired", I'm not sure if this plan of him going to special ed would work otherwise, but I guess my point is that he is being sent out of class to do independent work elsewhere in the building so maybe that is a possibility in your situation as well. The school offered to accelerate 1 grade for math but I said no because it would still be the completely wrong level. We are looking at other schools.

DS has tried to advocate for himself but the teacher got mad at him because he kept calling the math "baby math"...so that kind of backfired. The teacher is convinced that she is differentiating because she was giving him "logic sheets" maybe 1 time per week.

Is it possible that some of the sadness is just from being seven and not wanting to go back to school after a fun winter break? One of my seven year old twins was also very sad, in fact he had trouble sleeping the night before school started and kept crying. It was awful, really- I felt so bad for him. But for him it was about wanting to stay home and play. He doesn't like school either, anytime, because he wants to be in charge of his time.