Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Extreme Anger

I'm wondering if anyone has ever dealt with extreme anger in their child, and especially would like to know if it turned out to be "something" (e.g. depression) or if there were particular techniques that you found effective in controlling it.

(I start by saying my son has been seeing a psychologist for about two months, so there is professional help involved.)

DS6 seems to have increasingly angry and violent behavior. A lot of it stems from not getting his way, but some is just sort of random and I can't find a major cause. It's almost always directed at me, though he'll have occasional stomping off type episodes for his father. With me, though, he'll physically act out, hitting, kicking, or throwing things at me. He recently pulled a knife (though I don't think he'd use it). He always begs me not to tell people about this behavior (especially his father or the psychologist).

Today, he got into a fight with a friend (the friend set him off by revealing his hiding location) and I heard him snarling, "I'll kill you." a few times. The friend choked him, and I'm not sure if that happened before or after the killing statement.

We homeschool, but he tends to be well-behaved in most other settings. The incident with the friend is the first time I think anything major has happened outside of our home. Most people are surprised when I mention these types of troubles.

I'm not a perfect parent by any means, but I don't think I'm the world's worst parent, either. I do think that this behavior goes beyond ineffective parenting, though.

His psychologist has had some suggestions, especially things about breathing and stuff that he's supposed to do when he's feeling angry. But my son seems to think those types of things are lame, or beneath him.

I'm just wondering if there are people on these boards who have dealt with anything similar. It's something that I really want to get under control now, before the teenage years. The psychologist seems to be understanding about gifted issues.

Ultimately, I know he must be hurting inside, but I don't know how to fix it...

I have a child with anger issues that we think are rooted in anxiety and depression. She is not physically aggressive, but can be extremely volatile emotionally with family. Her anger is restrained outside the home, but I sometimes see it slip out in her tone when other people annoy her.

We have a book she is working in called What to Do When Your Temper Flares. We have also had success with an herbal supplement called rhodiola, though of course I urge you to do your own research on any herbs.

How old is your son?

We have had good luck with the (oft-recommended) The Explosive Child.

Interestingly, I absolutely saw my child in that book but the methods just never worked for us.

For your son's well-being and your own safety, his father and the psychologist must be informed of these incidents as soon as possible.

The article "I am Adam Lanza's Mother" may be of interest.

Thanks ultramarina and ElizabethN. My son is 6. What to Do When Your Temper Flares looks good and I think I'll see if his psychologist has it when I go in to see her on Friday. If not, maybe the library or Amazon. I'd prefer to be able to see it before buying. To know if it's something he'd get into or something that would be totally uncool.
I wouldn't be completely opposed to herbs, but he's generally averse to new medicines (like if I get grape rather than cherry flavored) and has never swallowed a pill before. I will look into it more. Were effects immediate? I could use some for myself.
I thought I had read the Explosive Child book, but it was Raising Your High Spirited Child that I read awhile back. I'm going to put Explosive Child on my reading list. I also recently got The Manipulative Child, which I've read HK recommend on this forum (everyone says it's a great book with a poor title). That should come on Friday.

Yes, I have a parent meeting with the psychologist on Friday and plan to tell her then.

Just curious, how long did you try it? Because I would have said the same thing a month in, but by six months we saw a big difference.

No method works for everyone, though.

This is just a quick note to say I hope your meeting went well.

My brother had fits of temper when he was young. He'd lay down and scream until he was red in the face; all while kicking.
In other words, the "classic temper-tantrum".

He's very smart. I don't know how smart, but suffice to say, he was not receiving proper stimulation as a child. I believe this is what set him off.

Perhaps your child needs something not provided?

At our house anger usually equals anxiety.

Just a quick update saying that things have been slightly better. The psychologist wasn't phased by the more extreme things that have happened recently, saying that his behavior afterwards indicate that it isn't as psychotic as it sounds. She has a plan for him and wants to meet with me more often to discuss how things are at home and offer up more ideas.

I also started to read The Explosive Child, and while I haven't gotten to the specific sections, I think that the idea of his anger sort of being a skill deficit is changing how I react more. So that's a good thing.

Also trying to fix any underlying anxiety. Poor thing.