Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy The Overvalued Child

Yes that is pretty much the thought process we went through HK although we added a bit of inherent meaning in the name too. In the end we have her a foreign name, easy to say and spell but not common where we live. We also gave her the plainest middle name imaginable just in case she grew up with a staid personality.

It helps that NZ has 2 languages, we realised after she was born, the foreign name sounds very similar to a Maori name so unless people ask the spelling they assume we gave her a Te Reo name

Great one more thing I need to worry about... Am I over valuing my daughter? Am I not spending enough time with her? Am I spending too much time with her. Am I denying her educational opportunities? Am I hot housing her? Oh no.. Help, I am afraid I might break my daughter!

It appears the study that this article is based off is one that I would have to purchase which I do not intend to do. ( http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/2014-45055-001/ ) This article ( Not necessarily the study which I have not read. ) leaves a distinct lack of real useable information. Yes, I can buy that the worst offenders of this practice may cause undesirable consequences to happen to their children and other peoples children, however after having read this article I could not point to concrete evidence that this probably true thing is in fact true. This is often the case with articles like this one.

A bit of information regarding research methods and scales, including the child in the self, transferred ambitions, reflected glory, and enmeshment may be read at the last link on this page. In reading this information, two things came to mind:
1) parents stating "WE are looking at xyz college/university", which evidently is abhorrent to some schools but others may say is a legitimate phraseology as parents often assist with research, campus visits, evaluation of "fit" and scholarships.
2) sports fans stating, "WE won", when a favorite team has a victory. Some expressions are a figure of speech and a normal part of our culture.

Possibly some may say the research overclaimed knowledge and was overvalued?

Parent bashing, flavour of the week, article.
And I agree one may overestimate one's child, but can one overvalue it? I freely confess to valuing my own kids over pretty much everything else, including other kids, and think it is the right thing to do.
Heh heh, and I do think my kid is quit likely the smartest kid not just in his classroom, but his whole school, and I think he deserves special treatment, different work, SSA or a grade skip, in fact I have applied for it, and we are in the process of evaluation for it. Could be that others think so too, ya know. Somebody please write an article about me.
Oh, but I believe that my child does not deserve a single minute on the soccer field, in fact is much better off keeping out of everyone's way. Does that redeem my parenting?

If you give up something really important for a child, that can put a lot of pressure on him or her to meet your expectations. In general, if parents are greatly invested in the success of a child, that increases pressure. I've had wonderful parents, but in my 20s, when I was worrying about my career direction, a big part of the worry was how they would take things, because a temporary reverse would disturb them as much as me.

It may sound cold, but one thing you can do for your adult children is communicate that the happiness of you and your spouse does not depend entirely on how well they are doing.

Indeed. and I think you just hit on the meaning of "valued" in the title. For clarification, maybe the article should be renamed to "The Overinvested Parent." That's where the real problem is.

There is such a big difference between thinking your child deserves to get what they need and thinking your child needs something special.

Of course, parents all should think that their own child is the most special creature on earth. We're wired to love our babies. The real trick is to raise our children to be hard-working, empathetic, kind creatures.

I don't worry that my children are overvalued, I worry that they value themselves.

We'll try, but my impression from reading the book "The Nurture Assumption: Why Children Turn Out the Way They Do" by Judith Rich Harris is that parenting has little ability to change these character traits.

True dat, and I have felt that pressure myself, and have resented it, particularly from my SAH mom. Though the highly educated woman that does not have to give up something really important for her children is rather rare, maybe not in all parts of the world, but certainly in mine, especially if those children are high needs children, as a lot of gifties tend to be. With my third child born with a major disability, my career is essentially over - I am barely hanging on to my part time job, and barely find time for my hobbies. It is what it is, and was chosen freely. But this has nothing to do with how invested I am in my child's success! I want to them to be happy and find intellectual satisfaction. For my oldest, that will mean intense science, and I care about his achievement only insofar as he'll need the record to access educational and professional opportunities.
The article talks about parents who live vicariously through their children. I am sure they are around, always have been, but not sure whether the deserve a whole article!

Glad to meet another Harris fan!