Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy The Overvalued Child

I got ahold of the original research article. Here is their test of overvaluation (responses are on a scale of 0-3):

They compared the results against personality measures of the parents, and, crucially, an objective measure of the parents "overclaiming" about their kid's knowledge. (This last was a pretty clever test. They asked the parents to rate their child's familiarity with various items from history, geography, and literature. Included on the list were some fake items. The extent to which the parent rates their kid as highly familiar with the fake items is the measure of "overclaiming.")

It's pretty clear that the research is not about parents who accurately evaluate their kids' unusual abilities, but rather, parents who want to believe that their kid is unusual, and are caught up in a narcissistic viewpoint of being "special" and more "deserving."

(Personally, the only item I would score high on is #3. I'll cop to a slight needle-twitch on #4, but that's because I love it that my child is weird like me. Still, that only gives me a score of 4 out of a possible 21.)

As usual, the popular press has missed the point. This isn't about, "bad parents, you're all over-evaluating your kids!" There's really no news here -- we all know that there are a few parents who are "like that." This research article is actually a fairly dry technical piece introducing a new measure for identifying parents who are "like that," and validating it (showing that it actually tracks what it is supposed to be measuring).

Yes, indeed-- which is ultimately why we opted not to pursue the two 'best fit' options for DD for undergrad. It would have meant moving-- or parents living apart for our DD. Too much pressure on her to "make good on" our investment there, both financial (of which she was keenly aware) and also by way of parental sacrifice (of which she is, if anything, even more keenly aware).

She already feels like she "owes" us because I had to walk away from my career path for her (disability-related, though, not GT related)-- no need to add to that.

I've seen research finding that people tend to overestimate themselves, and I think it's likely that that they overestimate their children, too. Almost all parents think their children should go to college, which is not realistic considering the distribution of IQ and academic motivation:

Is College Worth It?
Pew Research
May 5, 2011

Bostonian: Not sure how that relates to parents overestimating their children's abilities, because this was the very next sentence: "The main barrier is financial."

Many excellent points were brought up. Everyone clearly have their own worldviews and react accordingly. Often I find value in articles not so much in their truths but rather in their tendencies to provoke/challenge thoughts/beliefs. I think that unproductive pressure is an important consideration and to be avoided.

I believe that American society (not just individual parents of their own kids) in general overpraise and over-estimate children's abilities. I don't believe that was the case decades ago. I have also observed many children hold an inflated sense of self, which may actually be healthy at very young ages but potentially detrimental by late elementary. There is also the additional issue that a giant fish in a little pond may be no more than a little fish in a slightly larger pond.

HK,

I hope that you have made it clear to her that you needed to walk away from your career path because of you, not because of her. If she were my daughter, I'd want her to know that many parents are capable of having a career even with a seriously disabled child. However, under the circumstances, you felt like you couldn't do it. It has more to do with you than with her needs, so she shouldn't feel guilty at all. Does that make sense?

Yeah, it's more a matter of "this is what we chose because we felt that it was the best decision as parents, and that alternatives were not something that we felt WE could live with."

Nobody knows, when they become parents, what their future holds. That's simply fact. So that is how we frame it.

It wasn't really a "choice;" we did try for me to work for a time, but we had zero safe childcare, and placing my career over her safety was unacceptable. It felt morally repugnant to me.

I think that what we've emphasized to our DD is that this is not about "her" at all-- but about the VERY heavy responsibility that comes with being a parent. It can come with some deep sacrifices and choices that are pretty unthinkable until you've been there.

Many parents are capable of having a career with a child. Some of those children are disabled. But nobody gets a guarantee that if they try hard enough, it will be possible. Not all careers and all disabilities are amenable to it; it requires respite care and reliable childcare, deep financial resources, fortuitous geographical location, or extremely flexible employment-- or all of those things.

If she has her own children, that is a choice she will be walking into with her eyes wide open-- because her situation is about 85% genetic, at a guess (this is still being unraveled via research). The level of severity is the only real wild card. In her case, she turned out to be an outlier. We thought that we understood what was possible there (since we both live with the same condition). We didn't have a clue how life-altering that diagnosis could be until we were living it with our toddler, however. "Management" is more like living your life on the edge of disaster all the time, and scrambling to keep up.

So no, we didn't feel that varnishing this with something less than the truth was wise. She may have to choose to walk away from a carefully constructed professional life if she chooses to have children. She should choose wisely and consider what matters to her.

I have repeatedly told her that I don't regret my decisions for an instant. If I could take away her disability, of course I would do that-- but for HER sake, because it makes her life so hard. Not for mine. I don't regret a thing, because it has made me the person that I am today, and I like who I've become as a result of the experience-- I just wish that it didn't come with such a high cost for her.

It's a hard thing to put into words.

Well done and well said, HK.

Thank you HK, being on a similar path. I feel very similar about things. Only I could never have expressed it so well.

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HK,

I hope that you have made it clear to her that you needed to walk away from your career path because of you, not because of her. If she were my daughter, I'd want her to know that many parents are capable of having a career even with a seriously disabled child. However, under the circumstances, you felt like you couldn't do it. It has more to do with you than with her needs, so she shouldn't feel guilty at all. Does that make sense? [/quote]

I have to healthy kids so I can't comment on that - and I won't.

I have to say though that the thinking that you can have it all - especially towards women is one of the worst forms of pressure we place on kids. Children these days expect to grow up being good at EVERYTHING. They need to be good at sport, art, academics, socialising, parenting, wealth creation etc. We keep telling them they can do this - and when it turns out they can't without extreme internal pressure they start to feel they are inadequate.

I think it's time we start telling kids that they can be good at one thing or many things, maybe not the best but with effort they can achieve mastery over the things they are passionate about. I think this type of pressure does contribute to the attitudes focused on in the article.

FWIW I gave up my career to parent my kids until they start school - then I'll be going into a diff field that allows me many more options to work around them. Yes I have been fortunate to financially achieve this (although we planned for many years to make it possible. There was no way I could do my work to 100% and parent the way I wanted at the same time. I can do it all, and do it well - just not at the same time.