Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Learning Environments Being the only girl in class

Point taken. The example given by Pemberley was that she'd been upset by something surrounding not understanding the rules of basketball. Not really knowing what happened, here, I'd suggest instead coaching her to respond clearly with what she needs, which could ranges from
"Explain the rules, and we can play."
to
"Don't treat me like that."

Thanks everyone - the Jane Goodall idea is brilliant. And Dude your explanation of the dynamics was as spot on as if you had been there. The boys wanted to play basketball and everyone agreed on the rules. Then after a basket DD failed to "check it" or some such thing and the boys started screaming at her, calling her names, etc. Apparently DD stood her ground (and held onto the ball) as she told them they hadn't said anything about this when explaining the rules. She was taken totally off guard that these boys - who are genuine friends - treated her this way. She had flashbacks to her awful kindergarten experiences where she was regularly hit, kicked, pinched, scratched, etc. Then she panicked and ran out of the gym - not sure if she was crying but clearly *very* upset. The SW spoke to the boys who were, just as Dude said, completely mystified by her reaction. She remained upset the rest of the day and each boy made it a point to apologize to her but the damage was done. That night she said "I just wouldn't feel safe having those boys at my birthday party." That was Friday. On Monday she was informed the other girl was leaving. The next day her pet Beta fish died. Bad, bad timing...

She has been in dance classes for 7 years and also does musical theater in an almost all girl class so has girl time outside of school. She also has a lot of girl friends outside of school. The day before the other girl left I took both of them to lunch at a "tea party restaurant" and for some shopping - a real "girl day". I have also planned a surprise pre-birthday slumber party for next weekend figuring she need some serious "girl time" and I don't know what she will eventually decide about her birthday party in January.

I have discussed the situation with the school and they have told her "She is free to 'take some space' whenever she needs it." We brought in a small sewing machine so DD and one of the teachers can make doll clothes, etc during recess. I also asked that they speak to the boys about trying to understand DD's perspective on what it must feel like to be the only girl when they treat her like that. The SW is supposed to do that one-on-one with each next week. Apparently the other day during gym they were playing football (really? Is that necessary?) and DD got frustrated that the boys who knew the rules were being dismissive of those that didn't and told them to knock it off. According to the teacher they had a class meeting afterwards and DD was quite eloquent in explaining how they need to be more respectful in those situations. Teacher was "so proud of her" but I am concerned about her taking on this role. I guess it's better than feeling like a victim but still not what I would have wanted for her in 4th grade...

Interestingly she has bought a whole bunch of "Be the teacher for a half hour" cards from the reward store. Actually she bought every one that they had. I think this means that she is aligning herself emotionally more with the teachers than with the other kids. I don't know - self defense or just for fun?

I told her she needs to just take care of her own work and not lose sight of the fact that these boys are her friends. These are the same boys they have always been - they are not mean boys, they're just boys. This is where I can add Dude's approach of treating it like an anthropological experience. I also pointed out that if she were in a larger school it is highly unlikely she would spend recess playing basketball with a group of boys but at a small school there has to be a lot more flexibility.

Really though last year one of these boys taught DD how to shoot a basket (and then made it a point to come meet me and said "I was just SO proud of her when she made that first basket!") and another actually noticed she had a migraine at her birthday party last year and sat with her wiping her face with a cool cloth until her meds kicked in (Yeah the parents of her 'home friends' just about melted when they saw this and started asking what they would have to do to get their kids placed at the spec Ed school...) So they really are nice boys but I guess any group of males this age will eventually create a frat house environment huh?

High school girl on her bus transferred out, middle school girl from her 8th grade reading group transferred out and the other girl for last year's class transferred to the "alternative program" designed for kids with ED so not much room for contact there. So yes, DD is basically in an all boy environment. At least until someone finds a way to pull more girls out of a magic hat. But yes, valuable lessons to be learned about operating in a male dominated environment. Thanks for all the input.

I am only usually a lurker on this site, but as the mother of two boys (ages 11 and 13), I felt I had to say something here.

Boys are fully functional beings and are just as capable of being kind and caring as are girls. They do not have to yell, taunt, insult, or do any of the other things mentioned in this thread. Saying that they should be observed like chimps seems to further the notion that there is something not quite human about boys.

If the boys in class are not being kind, they should be called on it. It drives me crazy when people excuse bad behavior by saying boys are "just being boys."

I agree in part with what Jeni says.
At first I thought "brilliant!", too, when I read the Jane Goodall suggestion. Then I thought about how I would explain it to my kid. Observing the other kids as if they were chimpanzees? Sorry, can't imagine. Not on. Try anthropologist, maybe.
But even then, the experience you described is a sign of classroom dynamics out of control. I get that these boys are mostly ADHD, but screaming and calling names about a rule infraction, agreed upon or not? So not on, boys or not. Someone should have stepped in immediately, what's the point of the special ed program with the tiny classrooms otherwise? Gym class or recess, especially recess, the supervision needs to be closer.
I do think that if the program is otherwise right for her, I would not take her out. Yet. But have a come to Jesus meeting about those classroom dynamics and about gym time - sorry, unless it is usual to play football in mixed elementary gym classes, football can't happen. Play softball or do athletics. And keep up the girlfriend stuff.
I'd give her some time about her birthday. I can imagine her to be somewhat shell shocked by this experience. After a few weeks and some time off for Christmas, she may feel safe again about having them at her house - and you'll be there and can promise her to step in immediately, if necessary throw about anyone if they misbehave.

Never happened in this thread. Please try reading before you post.

Tip: An explanation is different from an excuse.

Wow, nice to meet you too, Dude.

I did read the thread. In the OP's original post, she described behavior that was not kind. I was stating my opinion that the boys should be called on that behavior.

Having an opinion different from yours does not mean that I lack reading comprehension skills.

BUT-- attribution and understanding (that boys often use different relational/communication strategies, and that those boys who are in the educational placement described may, in fact, have additional challenges which make more, um, girl-friendly interactions difficult) isn't necessarily the same thing as saying "boys will be boys."

At all.

I understand where you are coming from, Jeni, and I think that Dude does as well. BUT, at the possible risk of offending you both, perhaps-- this is a classic example of the communication differences which often persist into adulthood between persons of different genders. Dude's response clearly read as "brusque" to you, and I suspect that to him, it was just "direct" or maybe "no-nonsense," rather than abrasive. Had it been directed at me, however, I'd have responded much as you did.

He very probably saw your statement (which was also completely understandable in terms of the content of the thread, fwiw) as emotionally-driven and overly reliant upon connotative reading of the statements made. Which is also somewhat valid.


The suggestion was not so much about saying that the behavior itself is okay-- but to note that escalating in response to it isn't a good idea, and that the Jane Goodall approach is a more reasonable and less volatile coping method. IMO, of course. It also isn't my daughter's job to "civilize" her male peers by telling them precisely what she thinks of such antics, if you see what I mean.


I certainly hope that nobody who has posted within this thread actually assumes that all boys behave the way that the OP described!! I know a number of BOYS who would have been just as appalled by that behavior as the OP's daughter was, in fact. I'm assuming that Jeni's sons are probably in that group, too, going by her reaction.

This is just a reminder to be respectful of each other. Verbiage is not something to get all riled up about.

Please, if you have something to say, think of a respectful way to say it.

Thank you.

In regards to your bolded statement, I made it quite clear that the boys are in the wrong, and that they need to know it:






There is no difference of opinion.

A bit of an update:

DD and her teacher have been sewing during recess and all the female staff has been rallying around her to provide "girl time" so things are going better than I had expected. Unfortunately the really (and I do mean REALLY) good SW had some kind of accident the weekend after the basketball incident and has been out of school ever since so hasn't been there to help DD through any of this transition. Hopefully she will be back soon...

At our PT conference the teachers mentioned that they expected things to calm down soon as some of the students were in the process of changes with meds. Apparently the two days this week have been totally calm and quiet so I guess the new meds are working. I asked DD how long the boys have to behave well before she will let herself trust them again and she said a month. So after the holiday break she will go back to the way things used to be. Crossing my fingers and grateful we will be traveling 2 of those weeks.

Over the weekend we went to the theater. Another family sat next to us and the boy (maybe a year or so younger than DD) sat next to DD. Normally she would have been thrilled to have a kid to sit with and would have started chatting with him. This time though she panicked and asked to change seats with me saying "I'm just not comfortable being around a boy."

Yesterday I used a trick I read on another thread and asked DD if anything made her laugh at school that day. No not really. They had music that day and 2 boys (the primary rowdy and his sidekick) were acting up a bit. "I almost laughed once but I suppressed it. After all I don't want to encourage that behavior do I?" I figure that's progress. I'm not really sure in which direction but progress nonetheless.