Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Elementary School When they pretend like they can't

I am really struggling with teaching DD how to assess her abilities accurately. She is way off, most of the time. It's either she thinks she knows it all when she only knows little or she thinks she is going to fail for sure when the task is really not even all that challenging to her except that they require her to learn a new skill or two. I fear this combination is going to lead to many issues.

This is very tricky. My older daughter (who is 20 in college) is terrible about this and always was. She has language processing LD's. When she was in early elementary she would happily do an entire worksheet wrong. Over the years she did learn when to go and ask for help. She is better about being able to assess her ability but this still doesn't come instinctively. I try modeling this behavior for her and talk through my thought process. You could have her practice this at a time that isn't stressful like homework. For example if she does a page of math, ask her how she thought it went and write her feelings down, then grade it and talk over what was different and what was the same. Practice, over and over..

My DS15 on the other hand is instinctively very good at it. If he tells me he did well on an assessment he is almost always right. I didn't teach him this skill, he just had a much better grasp on when he understands something and when he doesn't.

HowlerKarma, I did something somewhat similar in college (I negotiated my way into a second semester German course despite never having had any previous German). It really wasn't difficult (despite the college being quite selective) and I'm glad I did it. From my perspective now as a professor, though, I see a lot of students who try to take things without prerequisites and then don't succeed. It can be a very difficult judgment call and I think it helps to illustrate why being able to realistically assess one's own abilities is so important.

My daughter is currently working on math with a tutor and it has been wonderful for her. She gets really intimidated and doesn't want to try the work because she is used to basically just doing calculations in school and these problems require her to think. Despite her reluctance to do the problems, though, she loves working with the tutor and it is her decision to continue. I'm very grateful the opportunity came along.

Bluemagic,

I've been thinking about your reply and I think I am or was very much like your DS. I almost always knew how I did on assessments because I knew what the question was asking and I knew if I could or couldn't generate the right answer.

I am hoping that a lot of DD's "I know it all and can do it" attitude comes from not knowing the big picture and as she matures, she will become aware of how learning works.

I do wonder if her false sense of accomplishment contributes to her frustration when she faces unfamiliar tasks and then she starts sulking that she can't do it or doesn't want to do it. It's a complicated mixture of immaturity, perfectionism, and over-confidence.

DD is going to go through testing soon. I am glad that she doesn't mind performing on demand if she is properly motivated. I was afraid she'd ask for something outrageous expensive and she did; she wants to go back to a sushi restaurant where the cheapest roll costs $8.

$8 seems expensive when a kid is 4 years old...wait and see what she asks for when she is a teen. I am afraid that DD17 will break her softball bat this morning since it is cold. That's $300 for another composite bat. Or crash my car since she took it to the game.

I know that DD17 had troubles with perfectionism when she was little. She still has those tendencies, but it got a lot better by age 7 or 8. She typically has a good sense for how she did on a test. On the other hand, DD19 is not like this at all, and she always thinks she did a fabulous job on every test (but we know to wait for the results). DD10 is somewhere in between, but probably closer to DD17 in terms of test predictions, perfectionism and ability.

All I can say is it got better for DD17. All her weird quirks with clothing seams and food texture got better too. She still sort of has them, but they have lessened and she knows when it is not socially acceptable to bring up that stuff.

My youngest is a bit like that. I mostly don't see him practicing anything. Last week at gym was a classic example. He couldn't do it, the more he was helped the more hopeless and giggly he became. The next time round there was no instructor at that station so he just breezed up and did it perfectly. I think he mostly co-operates with the teacher for assessment but I don't think he does as well as he van because he doesn't take risks.

yep dd4 just like this - mostly I go round thinking she doesn't know anything! Then for eg, at music the other day after not practising (another battle) she plays everything perfectly, when they learnt a new song, she played it once quietly before they were supposed to. OF course when the whole class played she literally couldn't play it - I quizzed her on it after and she said, well I can't play it that slow.....


She also had a meltdown at a new chess club when instead of saying she knew something to the instructor she sat there taking all the old info in - being 4 I though maybe she didn't really know it all and good for her for listening again. Well she cried all the way home because it was not very exciting to practise stuff she already knew and not play any games.

$8+ (average dish was $12) x 5 orders = over $50 for lunch. That to me is outrageously expensive for a 4 year old...or even for a grown up. I think I will just watch her eat and order a drink for myself.

Anyhow, yes, I am already dreading the teenage years when she is going to act entitled to the latest cell phone and designer shoes and handbags. Of course, I hope she doesn't turn out that way and those are not values we're trying to instill in her but at some points, we won't be able to choose her friends for her and they'll have more influences than we would.

My DD still has issue with seams and she is still rather quirky but slowly but surely, it is becoming easier to parent her. She seems less defiant but more determined - what I mean is, she isn't as rebellious anymore but she is more resourceful about getting what she wants and she definitely knows what she wants now. Anyhow, I'm glad that she isn't 3 anymore. I loved every second I spent with her of course but there were moments when I desperately needed a 24 hour break for my mental health.

My stock response to requests for expensive treats is that it will use up the treats budget for the month/week and do they really want to use it up on one thing?

I just want to assure you that, at no point will her friends likely have more influence than you will. There will certainly be periods when it -looks- that way, but that's mostly a facade. And, of course, like we all did, she will make some decisions that you would prefer she not. There's no guarantee that they will -do- what we ask, but--my work population has been focused on adolescents for well over a decade, and I can tell you that I have not interviewed one single adolescent who truly did not care what the parent figures thought. They just choose a rather opaque way of showing it!