Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school PreK Social Issues

Hello. My DS4 attends PreK three days a week for 3 hours a day. His teacher had questions about social problems. Said he seems to want to engage the other kids, but doesn't know how. Social cues and whatnot. I wanted your advice.
I think it's b/c DS prefers adults and older kids to play with. He is an only child. He gets stuck in his head when he's absorbing new things, and may not want to run around. He also prefers 2 or 3 playmates at a time. He's says he is happy there but clearly bored. I'm more interested in him having fun and socializing then the educational.

Does anyone else have a gifted child(ren) that have social delays or, as I call them, quirks? Sometimes I wonder if the school tries to "fix" kids rather then work with the child as they come. Yes, My DS is quirky, a major introvert, and overwhelmed at times but he is loving, and caring, and enjoys his friends dearly.

Thanks.

Our DD is 3 and an only child -- she exhibits similar social "quirks." I get exhausted dealing with people who claim there's something wrong with her because she doesn't like children her own age. She gets along with older children and adults, but does better with small numbers of people and with people who will speak to her and respect her boundaries (physical space, in particular). Seems to me she's just an introvert with strong personal space boundaries -- nothing wrong with that, but not a typical 3 year old behavior.

She isn't in preschool yet, and I'm anticipating some of those same issues when she does start. I would trust your instincts. If he's warm and loving with other people (just not his classmates), it seems to me it's more of a classmate/school issue than something about him that needs to be "fixed."

Yes. As you describe it, to a T. The best thing you can hope for is acceptance, if that is asking too much, at least tolerance. They won't be able to change these kids, dearly as they would like to. They can help them learn better social skills, but they won't be able to turn them into "normal" kids. Well, thank god.
The good news is as PPs have pointed out, it does get better as they are older because they do learn to adapt to a point, and as soon as they are adults, it won't matter that they prefer adults to socialize with. It's the years from preschool through middle school that they have to get through.

This is one reason we homeschool. We didn't want schools telling our kids "stop being you".

Thank you everyone! I was sure this was a common theme among gifted kids.
Portia, yes. His teachers keeps calling it a problem. I am so tired of this word. Why can't it just be the way he is?

He does fine with older kids and adults. Especially if they get him to talk about things he likes. He just doesn't understand the 4 and 5 year olds. I think over time he will figure things out and learn to adapt. He's fine at the play ground or play places. Makes friends easily.

Thanks again everyone. I knew I couldn't be alone.

We received a call this year for DS7 (almost eight) re: social issues- quirks, not quite knowing how to engage other children, communicating, etc. He was a lot like how you describe your DC in preschool.
I would add to a category of things to be aware of- our DS has reached an age where he wants to have a "real friend." Having a "real friend" requires a skill set that he is lagging in. We didn't quite realize how far he was lagging until he reached the second grade and the other kids are buddying up and leaving him out.
At this age, we're addressing it by enrolling him in a group designed to build social skills. We're also visiting with a psychologist who specializes in gifted children to help with some of the other traits-- perfectionism, anxiety, sensitivity and intensity. All of these things can hinder social interactions and problem solving skills.
My point, is yes they are gifted and amazing, but at least in my son's case, social isolation makes him unhappy. What they want is preK isn't necessarily what they want when they are older.

How are his social skills when interacting in the small groups he prefers with age peers? When with adults? Older children?

My soon-to-be-3 son is similarly disenchanted by the chaotic ways of his age peers. Usually, within a few minutes of his attempting to engage them, they cross some physical boundary and then don't respect DS' requests for them to stop. Add to that a lack of common interests and DS has little use for most age-peers, with the exception of his best friend, an empathetic little boy who I strongly suspect is gifted

When we go to the park, my little extrovert will rally a bunch of 5 or 6 year olds and lead them in a game of his choosing. He's persuasive and I love that his experience building relationships with adults has given him the confidence to lead children twice his age. He's learned healthy social dynamics from adults and has a good sense of boundaries and reciprocity, in direct contrast to children who are not around adults all the time.

I have no problem with this social "isolation".

In retrospect, one of ours' preschool placement worked out really well in this respect, though inadvertently. Attending a lab school with both little students and big students provided a natural environment in which our child could fluidly move from social situations with age-peers to those with not-quite-adults without anyone remarking on it. To be fair, this one is pretty social across age ranges, and would not be described by anyone as having social delays. But I do think it helped, during the period when the more likely problem would have been a failure to treat adults with the deference they often expect from young children (not in a disrespectful way, just because they would be viewed as peers, just like the "other" kids).

Of course, we still ended up homeschooling eventually.

I feel for you. We are having issues in pre-K as well. The teachers are very accommodating as of now, though. Its hard not to see this as a window into their future education. I put a sticky note on my fridge with a note that says, "This doesn't mean his future is written", because when I get home from preschool drop off/pick up, I spend an hour worrying.

aquinas, with small groups of his own peers he does very well. Engages them in play. Talks and shares toys, ideas, etc. He seems very happy. Has two best friends, both age 4. With adults and older kids he does better. Even large groups. He loves parties at friends houses, even adult parties. He will engage them but not as much, since adults are not used to have detailed conversations with a 4 year old.
At the park he is drawn to the older kids. Though sometimes those older kids tease him and call him a baby. He has found a few old friends in our neighborhood that he talks about constantly.

This is what I see: He wants to be around kids his own age, enjoys the play and activity but doesn't want to participate. He likes to watch. He likes to see the kids happy and running around, more observing. He would rather sit in the sun and collect acorns. I call him my little Ferdinand.
His teacher sees: He stands on the side lines, smiling, wanting to play but not joining in. She decides he must lack social skills. Also he figites a lot in class. Can't sit still, needs to play with something. He's bored. His brain is bored and he's 4. I don't think it is right, teachers making 4 year olds sit in chairs for so long. It's hard.

Aeh, we looked into a Montessori school that had the same layout. It would have been nice but it was very expensive. I wish they had this format for the gifted classes in elementary schools.

My DS is already having trouble with bullying. I really dislike the anti bulling campaigns. The world has bullies and I think kids have to get used to it and find ways to handle it. (Please don't think I am anti helping kids, just an observation.) Now that my son is the one being picked on, it's hard. I know he's having some social delay issues, and this makes him stand out, so he's picked on. We are going to start martial arts classes with him to see if it boosts his self confidence.