Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Wow, great argument, not all children are gifted

I understand where you are coming from, but here are a few points to consider:

First, advocacy and the willingness to communicate publicly about a situation sort of implies that something went wrong... that there was a struggle. If DD's grade school had just said "sure, let's skip her a grade and talk about enriching her language arts... " I may never have started looking for help and, well, griping about how terrible things were. So blogs and lists like this kind of self select for people who have to fight the system or are dealing with issues.

Second, there seems to be an arc where the disconnect is greater when the kids are younger. They are more asynchronous in grade school. Their tiny bodies, motor skills development, and lack of life experience, make dealing with a powerful intellect more challenging. This is stressful for them and others around them. Often by the time kids get into middle / high school things are going more smoothly (or the kid has completely checked out, in which case the parents are dealing with different issues). There's a thread on this very board someplace about where all the parents of older kids go. So again you may not hear about success stories.

Third, being different from other people can cause social disconnect. But being different is also not a one-way ticket to "miserable outcast"-ville. Many people with learning or physical disabilities would argue strenuously against this position. I don't want my child defined by how other people relate to her. Sure, there are people who don't get her and react in ways that aren't kind or helpful. But many more are willing to relate to her in a positive way. The happier she is with who she is and where she's at, the better the social situation gets.

Here's a story for you: DD11 was unhappy and stressed out by first grade. So we advocated. But when we couldn't change the system, we left it. And now she's both intellectually stimulated and socially connected. Her issues are of normal scope and intensity for her age (hormones, motivation, friend drama). She's generally a happy well-adjusted girl.

Mahagogo, I think there are far more positive stories than negative outcomes - the thing is, you most likely find more of the negative-sounding stories online because for the most part, families and children who are doing well are simply out in the world doing well, enjoying life, not needing support. I can tell you that I've never once thought of anything close to doom and gloom as related to my children's intellectual gifts. And my kids have challenges too (2e) - yet even with that, I've never felt "doom and gloom" loomed anywhere in their lives. They've had a great childhood so far and I have every reason to believe they will go forward to have happy adult lives, spending them in a way that they want and choose to.

I quoted SFrog too because my older ds just had the same experience with a summer CTY camp - he's 14, and it was his first. Part of the reason we sent him was reading the reviews of students who'd attended in the past, plus one personal parent first-hand account locally who said her dd found friends-for-life there. DS loved it. That doesn't mean CTY is for everyone, or that any other program is for everyone - I just offered that up as one example of what we *have* found - there actually is a *lot* out there for children who are high ability. And it's not all labelled "high ability" or limited to high ability kids. One of my ds' favorite activities is helping students with Special Olympics. He's also had classes with kids who were nowhere near gifted but still enjoyed them because the subject matter was interesting or the teacher was amazing or whatever. He has friends. People meet him and like him. He's pretty danged normal and not-so-noticable in a crowd. He's been blessed with an amazingly capable brain, but he's also been blessed with a wonderfully empathetic personality and I think that in the long run that will mean more in his life than the high-power brain cells.

I'll also add that, maybe I'm just persnickety about this, but fwiw I personally feel that it's lame to complain about being a high ability intellectual. There are things in life that present true challenges that can be extremely difficult to cope with, depending upon a person's circumstance - health issues, mental health issues, physical disabilities, poverty, lack of access to education etc. Those are things that a person might truly struggle with or need to worry about in a big way or might be huge hurdles to overcome. High IQ is an asset - and what a person does with it is what counts.

As a parent you may have to advocate harder than you'd anticipated or think outside the box for schooling etc - and you might not find the ideal answers or situation - but your child is still going to be ok and most likely be happy. And that's something to be optimistic about - not doom and gloom!

polarbear, stepping off my soapbox

In addition to what's already been mentioned about self-selection, one should also remember the old adages about tragedy selling newspapers. When we were children, my parents actually fielded inquiries from some news organizations hoping to put out stories on one of us. When it became clear that this child was rather normal overall (other than intellectual giftedness) and probably more psychologically-stable than average, the interview interest cooled quickly.

I will say that there has been some progress in this area, in the decades since.

As to this type of blog: those who ascribe their suffering to giftedness will feel validated, those who feel negatively about giftedness will feel the kind of comfort that comes from the downfall of the wealthy or famous, and those who are happy and contented probably won't pay any attention to them.

This.We did this. We advocated to the hilt, even hired an advocate, and tried our best. But our public school just is not set up to accommodate kids who are " ahead" of the others in early elementary, even though they try to differentiate. Not that they don't try - they just can't do it.


Now they are in a private school which they LOVE. I have great hopes that it will work out. ( It sounds like it should, anyway.) Right now I'm happy because my twins are happy about going to school, which is a big improvement from this point in first grade.


Edited to add - In preschool they were happy. And they loved the "specials" in their old school, and recess. They had friends, and were not "maladjusted" socially. It was purely academics that caused problems for us.

edited again because there was too much detail!

This (right back at you). And while the mismatch for us was academic, it started to make DD feel like a misfit and wrong and different in a bad way. And that was starting to affect her socially, when she has always been extremely socially skilled and happy, with lots of healthy friendships and interests.

Now she's happy academically and all the social stuff fell back into place. Our biggest worry now is that all the chatting and texting with her friends will distract her too much from homework -- a perfectly normal worry that we are happy to have.

wow - I feel I really touched a nerve with my comments. Please know I wasn't trying to minimise anyone's experience, or be especially dim (although I am often commenting at 2am after waking for the wee one). Personally I had a horrible experience with school I have never recovered from and I have already withdrawn DD from preschool because of gifted issues, I'm also really struggling with navigating the starting school process.

I did type out a very long response to explain where I was coming from but it wasn't in any way eloquent.

I just want to say I get it - I understand the self selection etc, I feel like a pregnant woman who keeps coming across every hideous birth story around and then later on hears all the positive ones no one bothered sharing.

Thanks in particular to aeh and polar bear - I appreciate your perspectives

I always love reading polar bears post.

Like others have said out local elementary school did what they could, and did a good job. They were just not able to accommodate. We ended up in a gifted private middle school 45th thru 8th grade.

Our son was happy and might have stayed happy breezing through but we knew he needed some challenge along with instruction.