Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Impulse control and the strong willed child

Yes. I have read this, too (I have read quite a bit, trying to figure out DD, actually). I tend to believe much of what I see is asynchrony and some its frustration, as well as giftedness. No, not ALL bright kiddos are exactly like this, either (DS is very bright, but seems wired differently - also, interestingly, has a much better WM, which I theorize could relate to EF/impulse control). This profile, though, does not seem uncommon in very bright kiddos, though. In no way do I EXCUSE DD's behavior, but I try to understand her and coach her towards better ways of dealing with her frustration.

DD8 has ADHD and I do attribute many of her outburts to that. So that makes it more difficult to deal with. She also reminds me of a mouthy 14 year old at times, accusing us of being stupid or unreasonable, or whatever. But it's hard to punish something that is the result of a disability or something that she has less control over than "normal" kids, although in most situations there still need to be consequences, or it needs to be turned into a learning experience. One thing that I do when things get out of hand is to tell her to cool off in her room and it's up to her when she is ready to come out. That way the situation is under her control...the second she gets control of herself life can go on as normal. We are not "forcing" a timeout or turning the timeout into a punishment. We tell her that it's not fair for the rest of us to listen to whining, screaming, etc, so it's something she needs to deal with away from other people. Usually when she's done with her fit she wants to talk about whatever made her mad, and this allows her to move on.

Just my experience...

Written schedules (added pictures when my kid was too young to read) that include tasks for morning routine and evening routine.

Place high preference activities after low preference activities (peas before ice cream, brush teeth before iPad gets moved from the charger, wash hands before lunch, etc.)

Then I totally had to make sure that my kid got enough...enough of exercise, food/water, sleep, and mental stimulation:

I totally had could tell if my boys had missed a window when a snack would have kept the grumpies/impulsive behavior away.

We started instituting an hour during the summer after lunch quiet time (could be spent sleeping, reading, playing with toys with no noise and not electronic) on bed in separate rooms. Saves my sanity and allows for everyone to regroup.

We go to the library about 3 times a week for constant book turnover. Plus math work book and various websites. My son voluntarily wrote a huge persuasive essay extolling the virtues of a Wii. He thinks he can convince me because his older brother did it over a year ago about a dog and we ended up getting one. He wrote a second essay about something else...completely on his own fiction topic.

Other tools I use are the kitchen timer and stopwatch...my kids see me use it for reminding me on things and I have them use it to self regulate too. Do these 3 chores, then 20 minutes (timer) on the iPad, take the dog on a nice long walk around the neighborhood, then read some (sometimes they set the timer sometimes they just read until they are tired), etc. Sometimes we use the timer as a "beat the timer" game. Or we stopwatch time how long does it take to unload and load the dishwasher as kind of a data gathering task.

I feel like I had to become a real good expert on my kids and just what set them off and then organize the environment to have the least number of set offs as possible. With one melt down a day...it is easy to work through it and use it as a teachable moment. With melt downs all day long...well it made for one long dang day and felt like I was just treading water. Now my kids get what they need and actually know what their need it and will tell me...I just need some (space, rest, food, etc.)

I know where you are coming from. I agree with many that this is a pretty common problem.

I tend to write out my expectations for morning routines, or a daily chore list, etc. If I write it out, DC is much less likely to talk back or try to negotiate every single thing and if one forgets, one can just consult the list. (When they are a bit older, better yet, have them write it out or type it up on the computer.)

I do take away screen time or devices as a consequence, but only for a day. I think kids need opportunities to succeed, and that typically starts new every day. We talk about consequences ahead of time too, so they aren't unexpected. Such as, if you ride your bike without a helmet, you may not ride again till tomorrow.

Not taking mouthy talk personally and not engaging in any arguing, back n forth, etc, until later when everyone is calm. Very important and it works! Don't let them push your buttons, they might do it on purpose to get you riled up for their own entertainment. If you need to step away, do so, because that is good role modeling for your child on how to deal with things.

Above all, the most important thing is Praise for good behavior, improvement or being seen working hard on something. Praising the child to your spouse within earshot of your child is awesome too.

I must have read at least 15 parenting books and tried charts and rewards etc to no avail. The praise and reasonable and immediate consequences work better and seem more respectful to the child and family. Can't remember what book that was in.

Good luck! It will get better.

PS, I also agree with those who are saying that you need to know your kids and maximize success by creating a good environment. By that, for me, it means making sure they are fed, well-rested, not too busy with activities, etc. We talk about that, too, and pause sometimes to make sure those needs are met if things are getting out of control.

THIS.

When my DD would get truly out of control, she was also sent "to sit on your bed" until she had regained control of herself. More often than not, she cried and sulked herself right into a NAP. Which was often exactly what she needed, though she would not have appreciated hearing so from anyone.

So many wonderful perspectives and tips! I do wonder what is age, what is giftedness, what is personality... at any rate, there are some really good suggestions here for us to try.

We don't spend a lot of time around other boys his age. There aren't any in our neighborhood and so we really only see them at camp/school. I suppose I should go look up normal 7-year-old boy behavior. I am pretty sure it includes thinking bodily functions are the funniest things ever.

And THIS too. Extreme rudeness (NOT the everyday variety) in my 14-year-old is typically a sign of "needs to sleep." He's been this way for a long time.

You've received great advice above - I have just one thing to add that I don't think has been mentioned - our very strong-willed dd becomes 10 times more strong-willed and unwilling to compromise when she's hungry - you might watch and see if there's any correlation with hunger for your ds. Our dd doesn't realize she's hungry when she's out of control, but if we are able to get her to even take a nibble of a granola bar etc she regains control and can calm down relatively quickly (quickly for her lol! - all relatively speaking :D).


The other thing is age-related and gifted-related behavior possibilities. It's just my take on this (parenting a strong-willed child) - but if you've had note made of this type of behavior outside of home, I'd be inclined to attribute it to something more than just age-related. While it's true that many children this age may still be working through how to control behaviors like this - most of them (out of the sample I've seen) are starting to work through it and make progress. If a school or camp staff person (especially if it's more than one setting or more than one person) is telling you there is a challenge, then I'd listen and not be quick to assume it's just age-related. There are, of course, 900 million other things it might be so I wouldn't over-think it either. Try to work through different strategies to see if anything helps (geez.. that sounds like totally lame advice, doesn't it?).

I share your frustration with counselors - we've had a few different situations with our kids where we've hoped to use a counselor and just haven't been able to find a situation where personality fit. It's really tough knowing where to invest your time/money.

Best wishes,

polarbear

The things that work(ed) for Aiden:
- Snacks; he always has access to healthy snacks and I refuse to even engage in a discussion/argument until he has eaten
- Water; when he starts acting up I immediately shove a glass of water at him
- removing him from around other kids before discussions/implementing calming techniques
- exercise; especially a longish bicycle ride, swimming, trampoline, playing with sand
- Tae Kwon Do; they have an ethos of self-control and the theory forms part of the gradings, they are always talking about it with the kids and giving practical examples. It's been a HUGE help
- firm and clear boundaries for all situations
- discussing things rationally once everyone is calm
- me learning to use communicative language instead of reactive language (book "how to listen so kids will talk" helped me figure this code out)
- Feed your brain"; Aiden needs at least 1 sit-down focused work session per day of at least 20 - 30 minutes. When he skips the things that really challenge him his intensity is so much worse. We noticed this from before he was 2. So now we have monitored it together to "prove" our theory. And so I just need to say "your brain is hungry" and he knows to go pick something challenging to do. To this end he has certain daily tasks that are a built in part of the day most days - violin practice, piano practice, Soroban maths practice all require daily practice as a part of the program.

Things that don't work:
- Timeouts
- Punishments
- Removing privileges
- Emotional blackmail/guilt
- Reverse Psychology
- long lectures
- holding up another child as the ideal example

Triggers and what works in immediate situations:

- Taking away from the situation when there is too much external noise; he is always loud, but also has auditory discrimination stuff so as soon as there are too many varied noises around him he starts to freak out
- red colourants, too much sugar; I know it will lead to issues within 10 minutes, so I flood with water and lots of distractibility
- Uncertainty/surprises; I just stay a bit closer - we have a code word he can use when he is not coping and it's a plea for me to get him out immediately. This works well for parties, new experiences, crowded events etc.

It is interesting to read about the hunger and sleep needs. DH and I have said since DS was about 2 that it was really easy to miss that he had not eaten (because he's not that kid that says he's hungry) and then realize later that was the reason for behavior problems. He did eat well before the first set of behavior issues yesterday, but it could have been the problem before dinner (which he missed having because he was in his room, reading, after a timeout, bad communication between DH and I, he won't be allowed to miss dinner w/us again). He slept nearly 12 hrs last night, which is about two hrs more than usual. He had slept well the prior night, so there's likely something else going on... growth spurt perhaps.

Weekends and breaks without camps are the worst times. Besides reading, he doesn't really care to do much play on his own (he will from time to time do so, if a flight of imagination catches him). His younger sibling is too "annoying" for consistent play and we can't play/do things with him the whole time. (Younger sibling, on the other hand, is a great one for solitary play.)

We have only really had two mentions of impulse issues outside of normal kid play (ex. throwing water back and forth at each other from water bottles) since we got him out of a bad school environment. One was yelling (full out screaming/meltdown) at a camp counselor who had changed a rule, thereby keeping him from scoring. He apologized then and the next day. The other time he darted across a dirt road at a park to see some animals.