Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy How do you do it? Overwhelmed...

I know this is going to sound weird. But the way I brace myself when I have to go to a meeting is that I know both of my gifted kids test well. On the FCAT tests there are levels 1 to 5. Both of my kids test at 5 (occasional 4s)...3 is proficient and where we live they don't get many 5 scores. So knowing that, I go in with the mindset that they don't want to make me mad because we will take our 5s and go somewhere else...homeschool, private school, charter school, a different public school (we are out of zone right now and can always leave). I have never said it out loud (although I would if I had too). I don't have an attitude. But I am the consumer and they are the provider. My particular customers are prime commodities that they need to provide good customer service to. I meet until I am satisfied and I also move up food chains if I don't like answers (all maintaining politeness). But the knowledge that they don't want to lose my kids, calms me down.

Understandably! Nobody likes to be caught off-guard.

It's all about finding an approach that makes you feel empowered and relaxed (as much as can be expected.) This is what works for me.

You may wish to consider whether The Gifted Kids' Survival Guide may be helpful for your child; Just as parents benefit from knowing they are not alone in the situations faced (such as advocacy), gifted kids need to know they are not alone, too!

Loy58, the reason you feel overwhelmed is because you care. If you didn't then you wouldn't be here. And caring is exhausting because we want to get everything right.....and we can't. We want what is best for our children but we don't want to put people out or upset the system. We don't want to appear pushy, or invite confrontation, so we are wary of asking for what is needed. We don't want to stand out to other parents so we find ourselves feeling alone and lonely. And it's really hard because where ever we are there are very few like us and the ones with similar issues may not be enough like us to become friends.

But here's the thing. You are so definitely not alone as all the people who have responded let you know, we sooooooo get it. We know those fears and sleepless nights. We know the embarrassment and anguish of not knowing what to say and being put on the back foot by seasoned professionals used to denying parents. MON explained all of that so clearly.

So, what to do next. First up......don't be so hard on yourself. You were caught on the hop....happened to me too. I wasn't fast enough to think of Polar Bear's suggestion to put off the discussion. I did follow it up with an email and a meeting. Strangely, that person is one who professes to understand and says she will do things and nothing happens. She obviously has her "putting parents off skills" down to a fine art.

Second.....focus. Small steps. Gather info. Identify objective, doesn't have to be main goal but a step on the way, make a plan.

I always feel better doing something than lying awake worrying or imagining what I should have done. Write down who your child is. What do you know about them. What do you see as their strengths. What do they need to be happy. Start with a little life story of how how you came to realise they were different. Put in things that have worked to help them and things that haven't. It's just for you to be very clear about what it is you are fighting for.

Now identify what things have to change, what things would be good to change, what doesn't have to change. Forms the basis of your plan.

Sit down with a hot cuppa, glass of wine or block of chocolate, on a bad day all three, hug your DC (s) and enjoy. Say we are ok because I care.

You've received great summaries above. I'll just add that the steps are described in more detail in published advocacy materials.

Some parents find it helpful to build a team, possibly including the tester/psychologist/neuropsych, pediatrician, and others familiar with the unique development of a particular child, as compared with typical development at a given age.

Yes it is time. I have been holding out until he realised there was a difference. He is not the most aware child so it took longer than I expected.

Thank you, everyone! I so appreciate your comments and hearing about your experiences! I really feel like you understand EXACTLY where I am coming from - and I am grateful. I really do feel so much better to know that there are others out there going through the same thing or who have been there and understand.

I have been reading about everything advocacy/IAS/gifted education options for weeks...that's why I was surprised I didn't feel like it went well. Also, there is the daily "kid carnival" called summer (children's friends, chaos, etc.) parading through my house on any given day (and this day was no exception), and my thoughts just did not come out right. I did for a split second think of suggesting we speak at another time, but it has literally taken YEARS to even get a dialogue started with the school about DD, and the school staff seems so darn busy. Also, I usually think of myself as thinking pretty quickly on my feet, so to speak. Yes, I followed up after the call with a clarifying e-mail, but I was left with the uneasy feeling that I had no idea what the school staff was planning (some big scary meeting and why we need so many people, I have no idea) and that they thought I had some rigid list of demands (I do not). This isn't over, and for DD's sake, I hope that I did not make anything worse (and that is why THIS. IS. SO. HARD.).

Oh, and I just got back from another teacher meeting about the other child. I think I'm going to get that glass of wine now, ndw.

It's cruel that the circus of life rarely stops to allow us to catch our breath. Feet up and a glass of wine and congratulate self for getting through the day and yet another meeting. I totally get how you feel after sending the email. There is no way of knowing how it will be read and what will happen next. More anxiety. Say stop to the brain and sip that drink.

I dislike it as well. I've been told I need to let my kids be kids and that I push them too hard when the reality is that I don't push them at all. I've been told, "we have many bright kids." I've been told, "well, third grade is harder anyway, so she won't need anything more." I've tried the argument about kids being as different when above 100 as kids who are an equal distance below 100. They always look at me like I'm delusional (in a generally polite way). The only person at the school who didn't was the gifted specialist who actually tested my daughter. My daughter is at a charter school now where she can work at her own pace and it helps because the difference is more dramatic than when all of the kids are doing the same work.

It's a little funny, though. I argued and argued for my daughter; she was deeply unhappy in kindergarten and it had to be done. When she started kindergarten, she was reading books like The Trumpet of the Swan and was clearly academically advanced. I had a hard time getting anything for her except when we switched schools (people seem to get much more helpful at that point). My son used to have serious developmental delays and is less obviously academically advanced. When he started kindergarten, he was reading only simple books and I thought he probably wasn't far from average. Maybe it's because he's at a different school, but people at the school keep telling me how advanced he is. It's a little bizarre because that didn't happen with my daughter and she was much farther ahead. They spontaneously accelerated my son a grade in reading and brought in the gifted specialist to consult even though they don't start identifying kids for the gifted program until third grade.

I'm not sure if it's just that he has different teachers, if they have heard about his sister, or if maybe he's more in line with their experience of gifted kids (or was before he started having behavioral issues because he was bullied and because he has trouble sitting quietly when he is bored). I'm grateful they have offered him these things, though. He will have some options for acceleration whether at the public school or at the charter school, while my daughter when through three schools before finally getting accelerated at the charter school (she did get a grade skip midway through kindergarten, but that was only because we switched schools and they immediately tried to reverse it once she was at the new school).

It sounds like you are doing all the right things. I hope it gets easier for you.

I have always found that it's ok for the kids the school has identified as gifted, less so if we as parents bring it up first. I can understand the emotional mechanics of that from the school's perspective. They don't like to be told something they don't already know, they like the satisfaction of being right etc. it is awfully frustrating though and hard if they don't actually get it right.

Systems make me tired even when I can see how they work. It's just so hard to figure out which bit to grease, or which bit to tweak to make it run more smoothly for my child.

Apm221, I read your first paragraph saying yes....yes....yes, I have been told all of that too! Do the schools circulate these arguments among themselves, across international borders?