Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy How did giftedness affect your family planning?

Are you overcomplicating things? It cannot be proved whether the companionship of a sibling outweighs getting less parental attention, but my opinion is that having siblings is overall a good thing for the first child. What I can say more confidently is that it's good to be alive, and therefore that it's good to bring a few people into the world if possible and if you can afford to.

We had two children and were thinking of whether to have a third, at a time when my wife and I were working in different cities and seeing each other only once every few weeks. Well, we had a third. One of my wife's sisters repeatedly called her early in the pregnancy, asking how we were going to manage three children. I think she was indirectly suggesting an abortion. Nuts to that! Our dear daughter is now seven years old, and we and her brother all love her and are glad she is in our lives. Our three children, spanning an age range of 3.5 years, having so much fun together and will always be there for each other, I hope.

Having a sister makes you happier and more optimistic, say psychologists.
By Kate Devlin 7:00AM BST
The Telegraph
02 Apr 2009

To raise to 50% the chance that each child will have a sister (or in other words, to have two daughters), you need to have three children .

I like the juxtaposition of an endorsement of giving DS a sister with your story about your wife's sister urging you indirectly to abort your third child. (Who does that?! Wow. No words.)

On a less sarcastic note, I appreciate that your family has managed to grow and flourish even when you and your wife were apart for long periods. That's wonderful.

I have to infer that we either have different parenting philosophies, children with different needs, or some combination therein if your wife had 3 children in 3.5 years while working outside the home, with you in another city; à chacun son goût.

Perhaps a little stats illustrates my point better than the verbiage in my earlier post. If my children hypothetically require my 24/7 attention for x years, x ~ (3, 1), it's a dramatically different story than if x ~ (3, 2) or x ~ (3, 0.5). I've drawn what looks like an x>=3 child, but which distribution properly models DH's and my genetic potential? I have too small an n to even hazard a guess, which has large repercussions for my career, our family finances, and how DH and I parent. This is the story of every parent...so perhaps I am overcomplicating this and just have the luxury to vacillate.

Every time a parent tells me they're going to have another child because they always wanted to have a [gender], I always get this image of them standing at a craps table, shaking the dice fiercely, and saying, "Come on, [gender]." Usually, followed by, "Doh!"

To extend that further, I have no preference. We didn't find out DS' gender until he was born because we wanted to bond with our baby as a human, not as a gendered individual.

It drove people crazy when they asked, "What are you having?" and I replied, "A baby."

I did not go around telling people I wanted a boy or a girl. The last part of my earlier post was partly in jest. But giving your child a lifelong friend is a good thing to do if possible. My parents are getting old, and they don't want to leave the city where they have lived for decades and accumulated many friends and join us. They recently bought a condo in the same building as my mother's younger sister, and having her and her husband around really boosts my parents' spirits.

Ditto. To answer your original post, giftedness didn't affect our family planning at all, because DW had a medical consideration which trumped all others. We're quite fortunate to have the one, and DW had to pay a significant physical cost.

DD occasionally asks me if I wish she'd been a boy, because she's picking up from subtle social cues that dads are supposed to prefer sons. Luckily, I can set her fears to rest with complete honesty.


Alternatively, DW and I wanted to know ASAP, so we could see her as an individual. The first thing we did when we got home from that doctor's visit is give DD her proper name. Naming her made her feel so much more real.

Same goal, two different approaches.

I'm not saying you did, and my post in response is entirely in jest.


Sounds like that's more of a benefit for your parents than for you as a sibling... not that there's anything wrong with that.

An earlier poster's comments about siblings not getting along well into adult life jibe with things I've seen, too. Similar genes and background are no guarantee of friendship. Sometimes it blossoms into lifelong hatred instead.

I remember when I got pregnant the second time, we were wondering how we would survive two kids... but children do change so much in those first 2-3 years, that by the time his sister came, he was very different than when I first knew I was pregnant 8 months earlier. And because they are in different phases of development now, it does not seem as daunting as it did before.

Some things are easier the second time around just from having some experience - like we already knew how to diaper (the amount of mishaps from poor diaper changes dropped dramatically the second time, and I don't think we called the on call doctor for the same set of issues as much the second time around when something freaked us out).

There are definitely no guarantees that siblings will be friends (I have a sister with such intense sibling rivalry to the point that she went ballistic when my mother accidentally mentioned my daughter's name to her - so we don't have any contact) but right now, our kids squabble over the usual stuff, and like to play with the same toys (luckily for DS, DD does like trains and trucks along with dolls and butterflies).

It is reassuring to me to know that others with gifted kids do co-sleep and nurse until later since it seems like everyone else around us have kids sleeping through the night in separate rooms by 6-9 months and weaned at a year (DS cut off nursing himself by 16 months and he switched to playing with my then-growing belly but DD is 23 months and shows no sign of wanting to stop - in fact, she uses it to claim her time with me and works very hard at times to kick DS away while she nurses).

Aquinas, some of your previous post reminded me strongly of our discussions about this when DD was 4-8yo.

We had tried to have another-- but, well, long sad story there.


I was very lonely as an only child. I did not want that for my own daughter. But she isn't lonely, most of the time.

The only time when I've had real regrets at the way that things have turned out (like Dude's family) is when my surviving parent died, leaving me "alone" in the world. It's a strange feeling.

On the other hand, when my FIL recently died, I suddenly had cause to be very grateful, as my poor DH dealt with a sibling who could only very charitably be described as "difficult" (or, um-- well-balanced, I suppose, though I shouldn't say so).

We also considered adoption extensively... but realized that DD's need for (expensive) education, enrichment, and medical care would inevitably suffer if she had a sibling. Our home isn't really a good one for two children of widely separated ages due to the bedroom configuration.

It was complicated, but our decision was ultimately made FOR us on the one hand, but also we didn't feel the need to go to extreme lengths to make it happen. We did think about that, but realized that our family already felt "good" to us the way that it was. The pull has existed at times anyway, of course. I think that most people who are loving parents feel that. It's balanced by a sense that our family is "right" as it is, however.

Our home is very QUIET. With 2/3rd introverts, this is an important consideration, quite frankly. Adding an extroverted/loud child to this mix would increase stress levels substantially in DD and myself both.

We've had the extremely asynchronous non stop talking co-sleeper (or rather co-waker) up till four, the one with feeding/issues (not entirely resolved yet but infinitely better after 18 months incredibly hard work) and the extended nurser with major medical issues. The feeding issues I'd say were the most frustrating.
I can imagine that having all three rolled into one is exhausting to a point that others experiences cannot compare.
I usually go to bed with my children around eight because I have usually been completely wiped by late afternoon. I LOVE LOVE LOVE it when for some reason I get to have an afternoon nap with DS 1. Bliss.

You say you are young enough to wait and see and having them close enough for them to be playmates (I'd say between 4 and 5 is probably the outer limit for that) is not a concern for you. So, wait and see! It may all suddenly fall into place,
I cannot recall whether your little one is reading yet? If he is, he surely hasn't got the stamina for the kind of reading yet that fills his need for mental stimulation without constant interaction with a receptive grown up. I recall DH saying what an eye opener it was when our oldest had actually shut up for almost half an hour for the first time ever because he was making his way through his first chapter books "I realized just how exhausting the last five years have been and why, and realized that things will get better...".

Now some of that uncontrollable mental energy goes into picking on his little sister, I'm sorry to say...but never forget that parents do have some control over how well siblings get along (siblings without rivalry, while rather dated, had helpful ideas for me, and made me realize how parents can actually create the rivalry).

I sometimes feel a bit sorry for my DD, sandwiched between her two brothers (I read the same article Bostonian read, but somehow the two daughters thing didn't work out for us either, some glitch in the ordering of the universe I expect) but on the other hand, you've never seen such a tough little girl!