Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy How did giftedness affect your family planning?

I have 2, I expected intelligent so it never occurred to me they were anything other than bright kids until the older was about to school by which time they were nearly 5 and nearly 3. I would have had a third if I hadn't been 40 when my youngest was born.

If i had only had one it would be easier to meet his needs but i think his brother meets his needs more.

I have one 2e/pg ds8.5. It's plenty. I didn't plan on have an only. I didn't plan on ds being born with special needs. I didn't plan on him being pg either.

We tried for a second child when ds was about 18 mos - 2 yrs. It didn't happen. I don't regret it now, but it took me some time to come to peace with it. I'm a middle of three and for a long time had always wanted two kids. However, I had ds as an 35+-yr-old mother. So I always knew it was pushing my fertility possibilities.

To be honest, the whole giftedness wasn't as much a factor as the other potential genetic stuff (autism, ADHD, PTSD, etc.) that scared the pants off me having kids earlier or more of them. I thought, "god, what if they turn out like___. Ugh." It was a pretty good disincentive to reproduce an offspring. And when you've got siblings that aren't exactly socially/emotionally switched on then you're a bit reluctant as well.

Giftedness did not affect our plans... We had always envisioned 2 children but not more unless we run into unplanned surprise. Age was a big driver for us since we are on the older side and I definitely felt the second pregnancy was harder on me physically and especially mentally (nothing like having security at my work place asking me if I can just park in the visitors parking so that they did not worry if I will make it to the building). DS is one day shy of being 2 years older than DD and he was born one day shy of my birthday. He was very sensitive but fairly easy baby (calm, loves new experiences and laughed a lot as a baby). If we had DD first, I think we would have been too tired to have a second until another year or so later.

I like having two because I feel like it stops us from hovering over one child since we are the type to get obsessive about minor details. But I know I don't want to deal with a third pregnancy since I am older and just don't bounce back from physical stress that easily - heck, every time I get a bug, it takes me longer to get over it. Forget the 9 months of pregnancy. If I were 10 years younger, I would probably consider another - but I may also regret not having done all that I did before having kids, so I have no regrets on having them at this point in my life.

Giftedness never affected our family plans, but I can see how having four gifties has both positively and negatively affected us as a family when I listen to parents of only one or two on this board. Our spacing (now ages 23, 21, 14, 12) also affect things. With one SAHP, we don't have money to do some of the enrichment we'd like, and of course, we don't have the time with each individual child. I've been a SAHM approximately forever and so my career will probably never return. All that said, I wouldn't trade it for the world. My kids enjoy each other's company immensely and always have. They like having smart friends and siblings (the only one tested is PG, but they all seem about the same level, albeit with some differing interests). They cheer each other on, expose each other to different interests, and help each other. I grew up one of five and dh one of three, barely middle class, so maybe we are just used to it. No matter how smart one of my kids turned out to be, I can't imagine moving across the country for school, taking a second job to pay for enrichment, etc... we grew up knowing that we were gifted, but that didn't make us more deserving/special, if that makes sense. My kids probably won't reach their maximum intellectual potential (but at the same time, they're not doing poorly-both younger ones have been invited to NUMATS grand ceremony, both older ones are pursuing graduate education and were very successful in school), but I feel like they have gotten a lot of other things in life through having a big family. It would be fun to have an only and see what would result from devoting all our parental energies to him/her, but I do think it's been good for them and for me to be part of a big family-as a parent, I don't take as much credit or as much blame, lol.

I had no clue about giftedness when we started, so it didn't enter our planning at all until number 2 was on his way. By then we knew number 1 was and were wondering if it would be the same for his brother.

We decided to wait and discuss more a bit later, but Dylan wasn't waiting for us to decide anything and surprised us.

The age spread is just under 2 years with the first two and just over 2 years with the middle and youngest child.

I'd love more and DH is afraid to have more. I don't think the giftedness is affecting the decision here - for DH, he wants to start travelling and is concerned that if we have more babies we never will. Also, being the primary breadwinner I think he feels the stress of providing for all of us - esp since I am rather entrepreneurial and keep expanding my business, which often chews a not-insubstantial portion of our monthly income.

Giftedness was not known to me when we were contemplating #2, but his intense personality and energy were.

I would have been happy to have 1. He is a lot of work still at 7. My dh believed we should have more.

Thus far, I am soo glad we were able to have ds2 who is now 4. Having a sibling has taught my 1st son many important things, including being less self absorbed. It also has taken some load off me (in a way), because though my younger has different strengths, they play beautifully together. They stimulate each other in play and discussion.

Also ds2 is somewhat more easy going and funny. He is still intense. I am still exhausted every evening, but happy.

In saying the above, we are done. I could not handle more. I take my hat off to those who can!

We had our first boy then just about 5 years later our second one. At the time we knew our first was a smart cookie but had developmental delays...we never thought he was gifted. So giftedness didn't play into trying for a second.

The third child never happened because of our age, difficulties getting pregnant, miscarriages, and ultimately financial considerations. Although my magic number was three and could have entertained a fourth, I am thrilled with how our family turned out with just two.

Thank you everyone for posting such personal thoughts. It's been reassuring and informative to hear your thought processes.

In terms of my "ideal" number of children, I've never really had one. There are days where 1 feels perfect, and others where I have a longing to share my love. DH and I have talked about the possibility of adopting a special needs child, of having a small family, or having a large one, of having nondescript careers, of having a highly public life, etc. The only definite feeling I have is that I don't want a large family--say, 5 or 6 children. To me, that's too chaotic for my taste, no matter how symbiotic the relationships might be.

For me, it's not so much about achieving the right headcout as feeling that a sense of family equilibrium has been achieved--one that allows me to pay a lot of individual attention to my child(ren) and respects the child(ren)'s need for close attachment, particularly in the early years. DH and I started our family sufficiently early that, fertility willing, we could have 3 or 4 children with moderate to large gaps between them with fertility room to spare (the minimum possible gap between DS and a prospective sibling is just shy of 4 years.)

DS has been higher needs than almost any ND child I know of. He requires more, more, more of everything-- one-on-one attention for most of his waking hours, physical contact to sleep (he is almost 3 and cosleeping, though we're going to gently test his spending half the night independently), constant conversation, frequent breastfeeding, resistance to eating (he only really began eating a meal a day around 2.5) and remedies and workarounds for SPD.

DS is an extrovert par excellence. He's a delight, but an exhausting one. By the end of the day, and sometimes by mid-day, I'm wiped. By noon, I've probably heard about 10,000 words and fielded dozens of intricate questions. I would be lying if I said DH's and my relationship hasn't suffered at least a little due to DS' strong needs. DH, while supportive, has not been involved in DS' upbringing to the extent I'd have liked, and I will need more contribution to childcare from him if we expand our family. I would be strained to have a second equally intense child without more support.

If a second child were to match DS' intensity, I would need to have another year or two of interim buffer to adjust and gird myself mentally. (I say this not as an emotionally flaccid person, but rather as a tough-as-nails former consultant used to 80+ hour work weeks and dealing with travel, the media, and challenging personalities. We have been staying with my parents on vacation and they have remarked that DS' ideal adult to child ratio is 3:1 or 4:1. No joke.) DS is at an age where he is highly portable, mixes well with adults. I feel like I have some adult life back and enjoy the balance we're starting to achieve.

Where we live currently, we're surrounded by professional friends who work long hours, but we lack a family support network. (DH's family are an hour away and about as useful as a superfluous nipple.) We're contemplating a move to my hometown, for a number of quality of life reasons, one of which is a high touch relationship with my parents. We currently live in an urban loft in the heart of a cultural Mecca, which worked great when DH and I would rendezvous for a 10pm dinner at a French restaurant around the corner after I flew back from meeting clients, but it's a less than ideal environment for young children. Fantastic for raging cocktail parties, God awful for trying to keep the house quiet for an uber sensitive child to sleep. Note to all: lofts and kids don't mix!

As to reasons for having another child, I have no expectations that a sibling will be a natural companion for DS, particularly with a 4+ year spread--that would just be gravy. DH is the eldest of 5, my mother is the 4th of 6, DH's mother is the oldest of 7, etc. There is nary a friendship in the bunch, save for my Mum and her sister, who is one year younger than her.

For DH and I, it's a question of love. How much love do we have to give? Can we give another child the love, attention, and resources to optimize that child's future? I want to do my best with every child. With DS, we felt an overwhelming, burning need to have an outlet for our love. It sounds corny, but there was too much love in our life for just two people--we HAD fo share it. Enter DS. If I'm honest with myself, I need some time for DS to mature before I feel confident that I'm not robbing him of support he needs. It's possible that I might never feel that same burning again. There are some hot embers kindling now; I suppose patience is required.

For me, giftedness/intensity is a central part of this thought process.

That and we both almost died in labour, after a flawless pregnancy, so there's that.

Not much I can say to the almost dying in labor part...

But I do have to say--and I think other parents of multiple children will agree--should you have another child, you will discover that you absolutely have enough love and to spare for every one of your children. An additional child does not mean that you now have to divide your love between them--your attention, yes, but not your love--your love will expand to fill the space available.

I can see family support as a factor, though. Our children do not have any grandparents closer than 1000s of miles, or even aunts/uncles closer than an hour's drive. It was much harder to get through the early years than if we had had more family support, but we did.

And I know what you mean about delightfully exhausting children. All of ours have co-slept until age 4, nursed until 2.5 or older, glued themselves to mom practically 24/7, not slept through the night until at least age 5. One talks, sings, and dances non-stop. Blessedly, we haven't had to deal with eating issues. (Which makes an amazing difference, from what I've seen with families who have had struggles with eating.)

aeh, you have no idea how helpful your post was. Truly. Simply the fact that you have survived multiple children like mine (including the verbose-wiggler model we both have!), flourished, and maintained a professional career gives me hope.

I'm sure you and others detected a strain of desperate perfectionism in my posts. It runs deep in my veins. I know cerebrally that I'm not seeing the forest for the trees on this matter. I lack a mental model for how functional multi-child gifted families look and am trying to force my only-child concept on it clumsily.

Polarbear's post gave some excellent perspective about how giftedness evolves within the same child over time. It made me realize that there are probably more moving variables and unknowns involved in this decision process than I'd realized, or can even be expected to account for.