Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy How did giftedness affect your family planning?

...or did it, even?

A highly sensitive, idiosyncratic, and personal topic, I know. To what extent did your first child's giftedness/OEs influence your decision to add (or not add) to your family, as well as impact decisions about child spacing?

DH and I feel DS2.9 is the crown jewel of our marriage. We've both begun to contemplate what life would be like with a DS-sibling, be a new arrival a year or four away, if ever. For the life of me--as an only child myself and a (dare I say it) uber/over involved mother--I draw a blank at formulating a mental model for parenthood with >1 gifted child. DS is a tornado; an affectionate, nursing, wonderful whirlwind of smiling, giggling toddlerhood, but a maelstrom of inquisitiveness and activity nonetheless.

I am only just now truly emerging from the caul of new parenthood and tackling some entrepreneurial ventures as a Serious Adult again. Part of me feels invincible for having successfully shepherded DS--admittedly a child on the far right tail for energy and activity, with a side order of SPD--to this point. Am I insane to envision a fourth family member?

(I should add that if DH and I were somehow unable to have another child, we would both still be thrilled to parent DS-the-only-child.)

Public comments and PMs welcome on both sides of the discussion!

We wanted as many as possible as quickly as possible. It was not easy and we were very lucky to have three. Nothing would have made us choose to delay or forgo having another.

I have two, I did not know they were both HG until recently. They are both a handful (or maybe that's an understatement and they are forces of nature).

I would still have more if I could. That said my mom used to say deciding to have a second child was like standing in front of the truck that just hit you and waiting for it to hit you again.

Someone once told me to picture how many people you want to have sitting around your dinner table at Thanksgiving. If it's just you, your DH and your child, that's totally fine. If you imagine more, then don't let the fact that your child is a friendly tornado dissuade you.

That's wonderful! Thanks for sharing so frankly, 22B. I am in awe.

I find myself questioning the statute of limitations on exhaustion being my personal barrier to expanding our family. It's legitimate but, as you well know, it passes (or, rather, we evolve and adapt) so quickly.

I should add that we are fortunate to be quite young, to have the flexibility afforded by good health, and the luxury of one of us being a SAH-parent.

Your whole post oozes reassurance, LAF, and I can't help but nod at your mum's aphorism.

Do you mind my asking what the age spread is between your children?

I have two who are now DS7 and DD4. My son sounds similar to yours in that he was super active, intense and ate up every bit of my world outside of work. He was a high need baby and didn't sleep all night until he was 2. He always needed attention and was strong-willed. He was difficult to potty train and just as he was starting to get the hang of it, his baby sister came along. I fully expected to lose my sanity if the second one was as difficult and challenging as the first. I was naive about his giftedness though, so it wasn't a factor in family planning. His behavior was a struggle, so I expected the worst with doubling it. I now know this is classic behavior for gifted kids.

Then little sister was calm, easy and slept through the night at 2 weeks. She has been so easy to raise in comparison. Now they keep each other company and they always have someone to play with. It has been excellent for social skills. I don't think my daughter is PG like my son, but she is way more independent and has a much higher social emotional IQ.

I won't have any more kids. I'm happy with the 2 I have. I wouldn't risk having another PG kid. They are not the easiest kids to raise - lol! (Actually it's because I have terrible morning sickness and don't want to volunteer another 3-4 months of laying on the couch with nausea).

Giftedness didn't enter into it. Yes, DD was intense, but parenting was intense and exhausting for other reasons that had nothing to do with her LOG, and in fact, her LOG may have actually made those other factors better, all in all.

By the time we were ready, it couldn't happen-- and really, when we began to consider methods to make it possible... we realized that our family was complete as it was, and that we were already well beyond the limits of "complicated" that we could manage. We didn't really feel the pull to have another. Not enough to make it happen. I'm glad now, though it's not without some wistfulness as my child's firsts are also our 'lasts' in each instance, which is harder as a parent than most people understand.

Still-- our life with DD has been quite a juggling act, and the strain has been extreme at several points. I cannot fathom how much more complex our college considerations would have been for our 15yo had we been considering the needs of a 6-7yo as well, for example.

I would not have chosen to have an only, being one myself. Then again, DH feels very strongly that there are definitely worse things. And he's not an only. {ahem}

We have stopped at 2. Partly I feel too old at nearing 40, partly I hated being pregnant and mostly because I haven't had a full nights sleep in 5 years and I have a mood to match it. I think HG dd and perhaps HG ds would have slept better if they were normal on the curve, I think they might have been less demanding, who knows but I guess the intensity means I can parent 2 kids well any more I'd be making compromises I'm not happy with. I guess that calls in the giftedness...
I would say though that I did resent ds for a while taking me away from dd, then dd for a while for not letting me get to know him. It took a while for me to get the balancing act right but now I would have our circus any different ( besides which eventually they distract each other!!! Bonus)

You could look at it this way: letting your child be an only, you are depriving him of one of the few chances of a HG+ playmate!
At the time, we were fairly sure DS7 was gifted, but we did not understand just how high, in comparison with typical kids, his needs Actually were, not even with the issues that came with him being a preemie. I mean, it just takes you a while to realize not all kids need two hours of attention to go to sleep at night, kWIM? But his difficult birth and infancy caused major health issues of mine (spine surgery for a slipped disk) and when he was 2, I just wasn't ready for another baby and felt I needed to get ahead a bit professionally as well. By the time he was 3, our family was way ready for another, but it took another 9 months to produce one, which is a time lag you have to keep in mind. Um, I mean, I'm sure you knew that, but I have so often since wished I'd started sooner or could speed up the process that I just want to throw this out there: you do have to take it on faith sometimes that you will be ready by the time the child is actually there, and if not, things will work out somehow anyway. DD3 (4 in a couple days) is almost four years younger than DS7, and while they can play together and enjoy one another (that she is socio-emotionally way ahead for her age while he is behind, clearly helps), I think they'd enjoy one another much more if they were closer in age. I have the direct comparison with the relationship between DD3 and DS1 who are just best friends, and it is lovely to watch.
Some of it I am sure is birth order ( all parents of three tell me that the rivalry is most intense between the oldest two), some of it is individual temperament and some must be girls just being more likely to be caring older siblings (DD3 loves helping DS1 bathe, dry, dress, feed etc and is put out if he does not want to be helped, while DS7 can be caring but needs to be specifically asked and reminded) but of course some of it is being just over two years apart. If one can swing it (I was way not ready to be pregnant with DS1 which wasn't so easy when it turned he was going to be born with major special needs) it is probably an ideal spacing.
I wish I could, one of these days, sleep longer than 5 hours at a stretch. I have kinda forgotten what that's like. I also regret knowing I have missed career opportunities that will never come again now. But once you have those kids I cannot imagine you will regret having them, though I am sure the other way around is much more common.
DH actually always wanted four, but with DS1 we have found that some kids needs actually are compelling reasons not to have another. He's got the kind of May end up in hospital for brain surgery at a moments notice-needs and we feel it would not be fair to him, nor to the baby and his (as I now know, also high needs) older sibs.
Also, he profits even more from extended breast feeing than typical kids do and every day I am wiped as it is and that more than five hours of uninterrupted sleep night I am still dreaming of is not yet on the horizon and our historic little two bedroom cottage is so crowded and our logistics so overwhelming....adding pregnancy to the mix...ugh. It would frankly be irresponsible.

It did not, at all. But I grew up in a family of multiple HG+ kids, and my partner is an only, so I think our expectations for parenting were either that this is just how kids are, or none at all (in the case of the spouse!).

From the perspective of being a sibling, I would say quite seriously that Tigerle brings up a valuable consideration, as my siblings have been my most important and most enduring peer relationships, not only for the usual sibling reasons, but as intellectual peers.

OTOH, my partner, who is at least HG, has created a network of satisfying relationships out of non-related peers, partly by having focal interests in common, and partly by being a generally very nice person. =)