Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums GT Research Opinion, nature or nuture

Whoa, I agree, Kriston!
I care for my kids, and work.
On top of all the other things to worry about, I worry about my working being a negative instead of a positive in our lives. Maybe this is just a rationalization, but I do think that the person who said 'A child's needs can never be met by an adult whose needs are not met' was RIGHT ON TARGET.

I actually love my work, so that is a bonus, but it helps me do a better job with the kids when I'm not constantly worried about money, for one thing.
Also, I always knew that I'd have to work even before having kids, but I figured I would rather have a couple of awesome kids and work, then just skip it altogether.

Another GUILT ridden scenario for the 'rents: taking care of yourself...
I just started tae kwon do lessons, again with more guilt about not spending those 3 hours a week with my youngest child, but I NEED to exercise and it's a chance to spend high-qual. time with my older child so...I go. (How long did I put off getting back in shape? Too long!)
Hope this is not too rambling!

I agree Kriston & chris. We moms are humans, too, and pursuing our interests is allowable and should not be viewed as neglectful. I admire the women I know who have strong interests and who enjoy their careers. Especially those with daughters, so they can role-model. In the 21st century, I don't believe we have to lose all sense of self to be good mothers.

That said, I'm a stay-at-home mom (after a 15 yr career). I do have trouble finding my personal passions to pursue, but DH has MANY. He loves skiing, surfing, bicycling, gardening, riflery, and about a dozen other things. Some of these I like, but the only thing I love pertains to my kids & education. Maybe art, too. While some people view this as me being a devoted mother, I don't--I think I'd be more well-balanced and interesting if I had other strong interests. If I had a daughter, I'd want her to find her passions/strong interests and pursue them.

For me, I love being involved in my kids education. I didn't have no where near the resources we have now. I love learning robotics, REALLY learning math (not just rote arithmetic), I hated history way back then but am now fascinated by it, love learning about art history, music etc...... my kids give me the avenue to pursue these interests that I might not have thought about it otherwise. Otherwise, I'd be spending my days in a research lab somewhere...but now, I'm enjoying passing on my passion for science to my kids and learning so many new things!

I think this is a pretty interesting statement. I agree wholeheartedly with the assertion that negative/positive feedback shapes us, particularly when we are young.
But not just parental feedback. Teachers, friends, neighbors, distant relatives even strangers.
Highly perceptive kids are even that much more succeptable to even the most subtle feedback. As a parent, it's a good thing to be aware of.
That being said, I'm guessing it's impossible to control for all situations and make sure all feedback is constructive and positive; from us or anyone else.
I'm really trying to promote good self esteem and a stong sense of self for them. Hopefully they will be able to better sort said feedback and figure out what to accept and what to throw out.
As a mom, I sometimes feel guilty that I don't work outside the home. I had a part time job and was very happy at the time. I felt like I had the best of both worlds and took some pride in feeling like I was setting a good example for my daughters. Unfortunately, the job moved into the city and I couldn't justify the cost(commute time and $) for the part time postition so it came to an end.
Hopefully they will understand that the feminist movement provides for options and choices, that they should not be told what they cannot do based on their gender. They should not be told that they cannot stay home with their children, or they set the women's movement back 100 years. That they should not be told they cannot balance a professional schedule, or either the job or the child will suffer. These proposed outcomes don't have anything to do with straight gender. It's all about their personal decisions and then, how they indvidually carry out those decisions.

Hi Austin,
Welcome.
Thanks for posting over the last few days - I think it helps us Moms who think we 'must' be crazy to fight so hard over 'nothing' remember that this isn't 'nothing.'

Kriston, Chris, and Cym - please don't turn this into a 'is anything less than a person doing the primary parenting turning their entire lives over to parenting equal to neglect?' argument. I'm sure no one is suggesting thata female parent 'having outside interests' is neglect. Afterall, there are many neglectful parents who don't have any outside interests - they just stare at the TV while neglecting their children.

My guess is that raising a PGlet is going to be challenging to any single adult or group of adults. Some of us rise to the challenge, and some done. Sometimes we do a lot and find that it still isn't enough. Thoughfully raising any child is a really big challenge, and depending on the personality of the kid in question, a HG or PG kid can be extra tough to raise. And we all know that lots of needs that ND children get met through teachers and agemates become thrown back to Mom or Dad when the child is gifted. Also, I can report that no matter how much one gives of themselves, there will be at least some moments when a child feels misunderstood and alone if that is their character.

Will we be able to raise our Gifted Daughters to negotiate the balancing act? Will we be able to raise our Gifted Sons to be active and thoughtful Fathers and Husbands? Will we be able to change society enought to allow our children to grow into the people they were meant to be? We will have to wait and see, won't we?

My wish for all of us is to 'play the hand we were dealt' with kindness and joy. We won't all make the same decisions as each other, we won't all fail or suceed at the same challenges, but if we keep each other close I think we will all do a better job than if we hide out alone.

Great Big Smiles,
Grinity

Well said! Good to see you around!

Grinity: YES!!!!! What she said!

Grinity, I love the way you look at things - you always make me think. Glad to see you back too!!!

Balancing childrens' and one's own needs is a topic in itself.

Ironically, from a Feminist perspective, my DM's ( and MGM) bad judgements had nothing to do with being independent or being smart or being a woman or her ideals, but with who she was. In the end she dealt with problems at home by avoiding them and focusing on other things where she had more control and could measure the results. It was not a choice at all. I sometimes think their success in some areas was related to avoiding it in others.

This is a fault and a trap that is very human. Neglect has many causes. Burying oneself in work is just one.

Men are mostly exempt from the innate emotional sensitivity to there being a conflict. I know that it does not bother me that I have a career and a son. I just give him 100% attention when I am home. My DW, OTOH, feels guilty that she is not there all the time. (Maybe I am just avoiding worrying about it!!)

You are welcome. So many memories are flooding back now that I have my son.

Though I do not dwell on it, there were times that I wondered what I would have been had things been different. I see that its a tradeoff.

Although my mom neglected me, she did recognize and nuture my mind. My DF's side of the family did not. The latter was MUCH worse than the former. For me, neglect with some guidance, was less stifling and more powerful than being loved, but controlled.

That book, Emergence, by David Palmer, touched on this briefly. The adopted parents would (deliberately) hide books from the protagonist. She had to struggle to seek things out. This feedback made the difference.