Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Acceleration/tiny child/sibling issue?

I had a successful meeting with our daughter's 3rd grade teacher! We discussed what levels of work our daughter is doing and how to deal with some of her issues in class. There is a child in her class who moved up from 2nd grade so grade skipping does happen at the school. The teacher and I discussed moving my daughter to a 4th grade class for some work if it could work logistically. I wonder about a couple things. 1) Our younger daughter is physically small. She gets very annoyed when people assume she is younger. How would older kids deal with her if she goes to their class? 2). She might end up in class with her older sister (or older sister's friends). Older sister already expressed surprise that younger one is doing the same math work (and older sister is in AG math). My 2 get along most of the time, but they definitely deal with sibling rivalry. How do siblings handle their kid sisters or brothers moving into their grade? Or I should ask, how do parents help their kids handle this?

Glad to hear your meeting went well. It is wonderful that your school has a precedent for a grade skip and is open to being flexible. A few thoughts about your questions:

If she gets annoyed when people think she is younger it may be that she feels uncomfortable with her size. Is possible to talk it up? Becoming comfortable with being petite may be important for her self-confidence. "Good things come in small packages." The older kids will most likely wonder if she is younger, and if she reacts emotionally or negatively she may experience difficulty in being accepted as a classmate and peer. If she learns in advance from you how to answer questions about her age and/or stature with grace and aplomb, she may win many friends.

Sibling rivalry is a form of competition and when in the same grade, may extend to friendships. Younger sister's friendship skills may begin to impact older sister's friendships and may even begin to reflect on the older sister. You may wish to think ahead to how you'd handle situations such as one daughter being invited to a birthday party if the other is not. Ultimately each daughter needs to feel secure in the knowledge that they are loved, equally, are unique individuals, and have different needs. Encouraging them to talk openly about their feelings with you and with each other, rather than acting out, may be helpful. Many girls and moms have enjoyed The Feelings Book by American Girl. Other titles include A Smart Girl's Guide to Liking Herself, and several books about friends and friendship.

Just so you know, one categorical "don't do it" question on the Iowa Acceleration Scale is, "Would the skip put the child into a sibling's grade?" At the very least, it would weigh heavily against such a skip, unless the sibling skips, too. And that could make for a pretty chaotic household for the first few months? They suggest doing in-place accommodations instead of skipping if the skip would move the child into the same grade as a sibling.

It seems unfair to deny the skip because it may upset the older child but I can see the problem. Could the younger do most of her stuff in the higher grade but stay in her current grade for art, music, PE etc? It will probably come up again though.

Ds6 used to get upset last year when he was in a composite class and the kids told him he must be a year 1 because of his age. The fact he was one of the tallest in the class didn't seem to make much difference. Kids know how old the kids in their class are even if size doesn't tip them off.

My DD9 is tiny as well. She skipped a year too and she is the youngest and smallest in the class. She does not like being small but she is OK with it. Sometimes, she even jokes about it. Our family talk about how God made everyone different: some taller, some shorter, some smarter, etc... and she is chosen as a smarter but smaller one... probably helps too.

My DD 12 is MG and DD9 is PG. Last year, they took EXPLORE as 6th and 4th grader respectively and they got the same score. Last month, they took the 8th grade Math test (in prep for CBE) and my DD9 got higher score than her big sister. My older DD is OK with it. She accepted long ago that her younger sister is smarter than her. My DD9 is going to be in 6th grade next year but will do Algebra for Math. (It's like in grade accleration which is easier to do in middle school) My DD 12 is in 7th now and doing Algebra right now. So, there is going to be a small gap between them. I would be real hesitant to make them in the same class. But I wouldn't rule it out totally.

I think you have to consider case by case. Rules may not fit for everyone. I wouldn't sacrifice the accleration of the younger sibling for the sake of older one (that wouldn't be fair especially the younger kid is PG and older kid is in grade). But at the same time, you have to look at the family dynamics, psyche of both kids, etc....

I am fortunate that my older DD is quite forgiving and she loves her sister so much and she wouldn't let sibling rivalry get in the way. I keep my fingers crossed that they stay that way for a long long time.

Agreed!

Here is the commentary shared on Hoagies Gifted Education Page.

The IAS states, in part: This is just one of 15 issues with case vignettes in the book. Parents may wish to also consider the other factors in weighing their decision.

For example: If the older sibling has a misfortune (medical issue, accident, etc) which may preclude their completion of a grade level one year, would the parents also have the younger sibling held back that year to prevent the two from being in the same grade level the following year?

Parents may also wish to consider whether the younger sibling may need and/or benefit from multiple grade skips, in which case the move to the older sibling's grade level (and social circle) may be viewed as temporary with plans in place for rapid transitioning to the next grade level up.

Oh, she definitely is not comfortable with her size. She hates that she is short. It doesn't help that her sister is taller than average!! We work hard with both about the fact that kids have different gifts. Unfortunately, the younger one feels very inferior to the big one because older sister is very outgoing, has loads of friends, etc. Finding out that peer relationships may be affected when a child is gifted has helped us to understand some of the little one's issues with friendships!! I hadn't thought about the fact that younger sister might impact older one's social life. Something to think about for sure.

And some tall girls/women may wish to be petite... there are advantages/disadvantages to everything... making lists of pros and cons may help a young kiddo to see that...

"Could the younger do most of her stuff in the higher grade but stay in her current grade for art, music, PE etc?"

Right - and at this point I don't think that we are talking about total grade skip, just math (although, like I said, she is advanced over all so how does that play out?). I like the idea of her sticking with classmates for all her other classes. She told me that she doesn't like to do the "different work" (advanced work from the teacher) in her class because it's not the same as her classmates so I know that she wants to be part of that group.


"I wouldn't sacrifice the acceleration of the younger sibling for the sake of older one (that wouldn't be fair especially the younger kid is PG and older kid is in grade). But at the same time, you have to look at the family dynamics, psyche of both kids, etc.... "

It is tricky! Her poor teacher really really works hard to provide her with challenging work, but it is hard to meet the needs of so many kids. Our state is cutting funds for schools so the teachers are having a heck of a time. If our daughter could move up it would be easier for everyone all around at school. We definitely need to look at all the aspects of placing a child ahead. I can't wait for the meeting with the AIG teacher. I am dragging my husband to it so the woman takes us VERY seriously.

I am not sure how unhappy she is about her height and how you feel about it but sometimes there are medical treatments that can help. Not recommending this as a course of action but it may be worth at least considering.

My oldest son is on a campus with kids from grade 5 - 12. When we started there last year, I was shocked at the variety of sizes in the kids. Boys smaller than my year 2 and boys much bigger than me (in height and weight). There is a boy a year up from him who clearly has a medical condition impacting is size. He is a popular boy, and on the basketball team, despite being very small with not growth in sight. I can think of another boy who is 2 years ahead in school from my oldest and he has been accelerated, my guess would be small kid even if he wasn't. Her size isn't her destiny :-)