Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums High School How to help a teenager's self esteem

My son made it through his finals. Got A's in all of his finals but the most critical (the algebra II) and it's now a new semester. The A's include a almost perfect score in his H. Biology final, but the overall grades aren't where either of us expect them to be. It's two weeks into the new semester, my son had to switch around 3 of his classes to a accommodate the level change in English and he isn't happy with the new placements. Math is now 1st period and a much bigger class, but with the same teacher. Marching Band has been over since Nov. and he dislikes his placement in concert band.

He told me yesterday that he didn't think it was worth trying to put in a lot of effort into things because he wasn't good at anything. The conversation started around how he needs to practice more if he expect to wow the band teacher. But ended with him telling me how sad & unmotivated he feels right now.

Now I intellectually know this is a common feeling for teenagers. But I don't think it should just ignore it and hope it will get better on his own. He really is a very bright gifted kid, but he doesn't put the effort into classwork that as many of his peers. Not sure how to best motivate him. I've been having people tell me he needs to fail to get motivated. But I'm not sure feeling like you aren't good enough is really much of a motivation for him.

Plus he had been slowing making friends in his english class and since the class change doesn't see these kids. He has always struggled making friends. He turns 15 this week and I honestly don't know how to best celebrate it with him as he doesn't really have any take home friends. I know what he wants is to hang out with other kids his age but doesn't feel close enough with anyone to ask them to do anything outside of school.

I can't fix things for him. But I know there must be advice I can give him. I remember being in this place mentally when I was this age and it isn't easy to pull out on ones own. I have suggested he joining Academic Decathlon (9/10 grade is in the spring), and/or to find at least one other school club or activity. This week is the club open house for spring. But I can't MAKE him do it..

Any other advice? Maybe books on the subject.

I feel for you, Bluemagic. There's nothing worse than watching your dc in pain or struggling.

I wonder why he thinks he's not good at anything? His marks tell a different story.

Is there anything he enjoys outside of school? If so, I'd encourage him or help him do more of it, if possible. Something I read recently suggested that having a passion or identity outside of school really helped kids deal with school.

Also I would point out his strengths and focus on those for a while to help his confidence and see a more true reality: everyone has things they need to work at, and other things that come easily. It's not supposed to all be easy.

I think one problem is his low grade/struggle with math this year, and that has previously been something he thinks he does well in. Another issue is he goes to school with a group of very high achievers. And when he compares himself to them he does fall short. One comment he made was that most of the kids who are doing well in his math class, took a prep class in the summer.

He does do Aikdo outside of school but his dojo is mostly adults. And he has music lessons. I am trying to push him to join some school clubs. Within the high school is really the best place to find extra activities for this age during the school year.

I don't want to have him to do much outside of school. He is an introvert and needs his down time, and homework takes up a lot of his "free" time.

What about a math tutor?

And I'm sooo with you on not overloading on outside activities.

The problem with this is he doesn't have any particular questions because he generally understands the material. I tried looking for a older student who had already taken this class by this teacher, but haven't found anyone. Both my husband & have have math degrees and can technically help him with the material. I am not sure exactly what a tutor is supposed to do. He mostly needs a new angle in how to "study" for his teachers tests.

I have been considering a local prep center that is mostly designed to prep kids for Math Olympiad. This seems like the best fit for what he needs, it would be with other kids, it's very local, and it would be working on the harder problems. But I haven't gotten the guts to go in and check out the program and see if really would help.

Thanks for sharing the good news that your son completed the semester with good grades. If I read your post correctly, it seems that despite the outward appearance of success, your son may feel on the verge of failure? Your mom intuition is sensing underachievement? In a previous post there was a request for resources... have you seen the article from the Davidson Database on Underachievement and the Quest for Dignity?

A web search on the key words "Delisle" and "underachievement" may yield other helpful information.

Does your son have ideas of what he'd like to do in the future, school-wise or career-wise? Finding something he is interested in and motivated by, and helping him connect the dots from where he is now to where he wants to be may help him find meaning and value in the effort and activities which compose a bridge to the future he envisions. It is possible that his journey may not include the typical path of 4 years of high school. Earlier posts have contemplated alternatives such as dual enrollment and early college... have you investigated these options as possibly providing a path for him?

For your son's upcoming birthday, have you asked him what he would like to do to celebrate? Maybe attend a sporting event or movie? With just a friend or two from band or the English class? Cousins? Parents? Possibly a family dinner? Choose a special gift? Each birthday may be celebrated differently, but all can be fun to look back on.

Good luck to your son on finding or forging a path.

Thanks I'll look at the article. And no he really had no idea what he wants to do when he gets older.

Most of the finals went well, the overall grades are still only OK. Math is still an issue. He tests well but tends to fall down in all the little details, like fully completing homework.

I have asked him about his birthday, multiple times. A constant frustrating in this household is that despite my asking directly everyone seems to want mom to be able to mindread. It doesn't work too well.

Most likely is I probably going to take him to an amusement park next weekend, probably just the two of us. He is not comfortable about asking any of the other teenagers, I can't MAKE him, and he is well past the age where I can or should be asking for him.

My kid got a big boost out of summer programs that challenged her and allowed her to meet other gifted teens. Don't know if he is still in the age group (but I think he is), has the stats, or the interest, but attending Davidson's THINK summer program was huge for my kid both in terms of motivation and making friends. She is a freshman in college, and still talks via phone with one of her THINK friends every couple of weeks, and is linked up with others online.

Or he might want to try to do something over the summer that he is interested in finding out more about (maybe asking local professors if they need research volunteers over the summer, or attending a summer program in something he is interested in like engineering).

The school club thing is a good idea. We asked our kids to participate in some kind of support and expected some kind of club participation as well -- just what we expected, and they did it. D2 did club fencing outside of school as her sport and met kids like herself. She also was in Quiz Bowl, another good activity for a gifted kid. And he school started a FIRST robotics team her junior year, which she also ended up enjoying after a couple of male friends talked her into joining.

bluemagic, I think your idea of taking your ds to an amusement park for his birthday is wonderful! The expectation that kids should spend their birthdays celebrating with friends is just a societal thing here in the US - think what a wonderful memory it can be for your ds to remember how his mom took him to the amusement park and he got to ride all the rides he wanted to, got to eat whatever he loves, and was just happy. It's 100% *a-ok* to do that without friends tagging along - in fact, think how nice it will be for *you* to have the day with your ds.

The other thing I'd do - *separate* from the birthday, is to start gently nudging him into inviting a friend here or there. Maybe start with a movie - those are the easiest thing (just my perspective, as the mom of a 14 year old ds who is still trying to navigate this same type of thing). Have him pick out a movie he wants to see, and then have him pick out a friend (or two friends if he wants) to ask, and have him ask. Offer up a reward if you need to, something to motivate him. Then take the kids and let him just do it and see that it will work out ok. I do believe that you can set something like this up and "make" him (in a gentle loving way) actually do it. It's not really any fundamentally different than the concept that you can tell him he has a chore to do - think of this as a chore that is building on a life skill.

One thing that's tough for my ds is actually asking kids - I don't know if this is tough for your ds, but fwiw I let my ds ask via email and that works ok.

Re family members expecting moms to be able to mindread - same thing happens here. I think part of the deal is - moms are more intuitive than men, so in a sense, we are the mindreaders. We're also the family members who typically have more of our heart and soul wrapped around the need for everyone's well-being. It's annoying and frustrating to have everyone expecting that you can read their minds, but otoh, it opens up an opportunity for you to plan and try to help by using your influence. The older our kids get, the less we're able to do that - so I'd not worry too much about how far past the age of whether or not you should be asking him what he wants to do etc, and just try to plan/do what you can.

Hope some of that makes sense!

polarbear

I will have to think about opportunities for this. Marching Band in the fall provided some social activities that were student run. He really enjoyed being part of that.

I'm not sure about movies.. he just started to become interesting in watching movies again. During his pre-teen years he rarely watched movies as he thought movies aimed at kids were boring, wasn't interested in the action superhero movies that most preteen boys like, and wasn't mature enough to appreciate the oddball quirky movies that we usually watch. The only exceptions were HP & Lord of the Rings.