Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Intro and a request for advice/support

So, first of all a brief intro (in bullet form):

* DH, just turned 11, PG, highly social, high-strung, perfectionist

* Tested at 7.5yo after a disastrous 1st grade year -
WISC IV, hit ceiling in several areas, decided against retesting with extended norms

* Attempted advocacy with neighborhood school ineffective. Got her into accelerated math and science magnet school (1 year advanced)

* Lasted two years, switched to brick and mortar homeschool school (real building with other students and teachers, but she's technically a homeschooler) where classes have broad age ranges

* Started midway through "4th" grade with mostly middle school academic classes (with age level fun classes). Currently in second year of middle school classes.

It's been a rocky road and I'm glad we're in a place that's good for her academically as well as emotionally. It's not perfect (she finds the atmosphere too relaxed and would like more rigor). The school doesn't give grades until high school, but we do in concert with teacher input, so she's held to standards -- which she likes. She's grown so much more comfortable with who she is (she used to hate it) and in being herself. And I see her more willing to work hard and actually working to learn stuff for the first time.

She's at the absolute low end of age bands for most of her core classes, but she's already been invited into a few out of band classes with special permission. I hope the school will remain flexible as she starts needing their high school level offerings. And the local community college will take students at 13 (with the expected hoops and bureaucracy) for joint high school / college. One of my colleagues' daughters did so, so I know it's possible.

Our biggest issue right now is us. We know it's better for her emotional and mental health to be able to work at her natural pace... not to be held back. But it's all coming at us really fast and I'm not sure how ready we all are. Can she take the workload? Is she mature enough?

She's expressed a strong interest (obsession?) in a particular early college program and we're supporting her dreams, even while we know that the program is only right for small number of kids. We never wanted to rush her. We always said it wasn't a race. But here we are, letting her set the pace, and it feels like racing.

Because at the same time she's just a little girl who has a hard time going to sleep and loves summer camp and gets so nervous about things. Who feels like she has to be extra mature in her classes because all the kids are older. Who asks us to push her in meeting her goals, but whom we don't want to push too much. Who still pouts at having to do chores or homework when her friends are calling.

I see a lot of posts here from folks with younger kids (and I wish I'd had that support then, when she was a baby we and we were at our wits end), but fewer from folks with older kids. So to those of you who do have preteens and young teens, can you offer any words of support or advice?

That would be a very young spouse! Based on the context of the message, I presume this was meant to be DD who is 11.

The social/emotional piece is important. There are other recent threads which discuss perfectionism and anxiety in case that may be of interest.

There is a possible red flag if a child "feels like she has to be extra mature in her classes because all the kids are older", as there is a difference between this and a child who naturally is more mature and on the wave length of the older students, finding herself to be more interested in the things which may be on their minds (world issues, careers, etc), and finding the older students to be a closer match intellectually.

You may wish to make a wishlist/checklist (for example a computer spreadsheet) for tracking the items your daughter believes she sees in the early college program she is interested in.

You may wish to make arrangements to visit the school whose early college program your daughter is interested in, asking questions and making observations about items on the wishlist. Receive the school literature, talk to other students, meet the professors, and arrange to have your daughter spend a night on campus if it is a residential (boarding) school.

You may also wish to make arrangements for visiting the local community college you mentioned. Tracking the answers/observations about each of these educational setting placement options (and any others which may arise) may provide for confident decision-making.

Hi Ivy!


I have a DD who is like yours-- just three years older than she is. My DD is finishing high school this year, and taking mostly dual enrollment classes this final year.

She went through a VERY rough patch at about 11yo-- if you hunt through my very first posts on the forum here, you'll see what I mean.

One thing that I'd consider as your DD moves into high school coursework (well, there are several, but this one stands out to me);

make sure that you have a way to keep an eye on perfectionism/anxiety as it relates to grades.

I think that letter grading and the pressure that it produces led my DD (in part) toward socially-prescribed perfectionism. Yes, she's always been a perfectionist, but this is a particularly virulent and toxic variety.

Honestly, being a parent to one of these kids, they do have to be "older" than they actually are to fit in with academic peers 3-7y older. That's okay as long as they have a way to be themselves (er, maybe just other ASPECTS of themselves?) in other domains.

I wouldn't want my DD to actually BE 18yo. I like that she's 14, and that she is (mostly) okay with being 14yo. She has learned which facets of herself are most appropriate in which settings-- and while it makes me a little wistful that she can't be her COMPLETE self anywhere... it doesn't necessarily bother HER.

Does that make sense?

If you're comfortable saying, there are parents who drive-by post and have older children... they might be able to offer insights into the specific EC program that your DD likes.

First of all look at the positives. There is a school she can work at her own pace in - they are open to here moving to higher classes. There is a college she can go to at 13. Both these things make my jaw drop in amazement.

And like a pp said - start a spread sheet, visit places, collect information and involve your daughter in tge planning (I assume you are already but just in case).

Ooops. Worst typo ever!


I understand what you mean. Though she's really inconsistent about it. Many of her friends are a couple of years older and in the classes where she's with more of her age range she complains that the other kids are immature. So I think it's more about finding her place and understanding who she is (the work of a lifetime I suppose). Her middle school classes have a few other younger kids too. There's a 6-year-old in her Biology class who also takes Algebra II.

It makes sense that a school that is that flexible will attract more gifted kids than a random population neighborhood school. The kids who's parent are willing/able to be flexible end up in the few corners where they can get what they need.

Thank you for all your other good suggestions as well. I think in our heads we still think we have many years to sort this stuff out, but we may not. There's a sort of inherited knowledge that you get as your child enters middle and then high school that I think we might be missing. I think we'll have to make a concerted effort in tracking more of that knowledge down.

This makes perfect sense. We try to always have activities where intellect doesn't make a difference and that are just for fun (summer camp -- which is pure old school outdoor camp, not academic camp, martial arts, swimming, etc.).


It's the Mary Baldwin PEG program (only the most extreme version of early college she could find, apparently). Even if she could get in (and competition is fierce) it may not be emotionally feasible to live across the country and dive headlong into full time university education. That said, we're not telling her that. We're letting her drive her interest in this area, supporting where we can (I called the admissions office at her request and passed along her questions had them send some material) but being realistic as well. And we've made it clear that the local community college is another way to wrap up high school and start college early if she needs to. That's pretty much the graduation path at her school for college bound kids, off to CC at 16 (or before).

Thank you so much for your feedback. I realize that there's a drop off in participation as these kids get older (I believe there's a thread on that topic here as well) so having someone who's ahead on the road is very valuable to me.

You are absolutely right. I realize my post was a bit hand-wringing. We are incredibly lucky that we've found the resources we have. My daughter hates learning alone and I've only just got her open to the idea of a skype class, maybe. I don't know what we'd do if we didn't have her school (and if any readers are in Portland OR or surrounding, PM me and I'll share information about the school).

We have been going through a bad patch where she was stressed and anxious herself over growing up and at the same time complaining most of her classes are still too easy (still?). So it's a process.

When we first had her tested, the educational consultant (who arranged the testing and helped us explore options based on the result) said that the trick with these kids is that even when you find a good solution, it doesn't necessarily stay a good solution forever. I smell change in the wind and sometimes it's scary.

Thanks for your input. As frustrated as we were just a few years ago with her schooling (OMG the stories I could tell), I still forget what it's like to come through the storm and land in a calm patch... at least momentarily.

Has she looked at some of the other (less far away) options for early college? There are actually quite a number of very prestigious and well-regarded programs specifically for very young college entrants--

Hint: UW has a program that we looked at-- HARD.

We're not that far from you.

Added:
Another path to consider is admission to a conventional college setting a year or three early, but within the confines of a specialty program, like an honors college.

That is the route that my DD ultimately settled upon. Our other realistic option was Reed, but that is not really a campus that I want my 15yo on.



If you think that the UW program is one to chase down, you might want to think about a jump over the river to establish residency about 2-3 years before she gets there. We hadn't quite anticipated JUST how bad the differential w.r.t. out-of-state-tuition would be-- it's a difference of +20K a year now.


One tip for your DD:

http://www.saturdayacademy.org/ase

This is the best program. It was an amazing experience for my DD when she participated.

The problem seems to be that everything seems fine and then it isn't and you are left thinking "what the %&£ do I do now?"

I know. I've been confining my anxiety to just how fast she's growing up and not even really focusing on how much sooner the big bills are going to come!


Oh you are very nearby aren't you! We did TAG camp there last summer (in addition to fun camp -- Namanu). It was a great program, but unfortunately not advanced enough (I tried to get her into the 6-8th grade session instead of the 3-5th, but they absolutely balked based on age -- sigh). The good news is that I buttonholed the director at and now she has a note in her file that she is allowed to take above level classes with them (with some restrictions). She's got a veterinary visit class next month that she's very excited about. If you have other recommendations for classes, that would be awesome. She hates to learn alone (we started out with ORVA and looked at Connections as well) so I'm always hunting for additional possibilities (we've been looking at the OMSI science classes for example).

Thanks again for all the great data.