Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Learning Environments How to deal with a kid who blends in?

My DS is 6 and he is a master at blending. I can see him watch the kids in a new environment and literally morph into one of those kids. This is causing problems because the teachers usually don't recognize a student's potential when this happens. I have tried a few different strategies to tackle it - from telling him to be happy with who he is to setting up a reward system for not displaying mannerisms that are not natural to him to talking to his teachers and even setting up playdates and field trips with other gifted kids in his age group.
He is just a little kid who is ultra social and does not want to be rejected for being any different from other kids.
How do I deal with this?

Sounds like my oldest Aiden. For us, unfrotunately the desire to blend in "broke" him and we had to remove him from school to eventually homeschool. This was after 2 and a bit years in a formalised pre school environment.

The only way we found around this was to mix him with loads of different age and different ability kids all the time - to actively encourage him to ignore age and grade levels on all products and games.

I also did a lot of talking and showing about things that are all different (like leaves and bananas and fingerprints etc). It's a lot better now after nearly 2 years out of that environment - he still will try blend in at cubs (but thats okay cause he is the youngest for now) and at church (again okay cause it's a couple of hours once a week and I can cope with the fallout)

It's hard but definitely something you need to try help him with.

best of luck!

Honestly?


I don't.

My DD is an ace at this-- and always has been. She just makes other people comfortable around her.

I don't see this kind of social adaptability as inherently bad-- it's actually a huge positive down the road for kids who are unlikely to ever find many true peers as they go through life.

Better to be themselves and also be well liked and able to just roll with what goes on around them, IMO. It's a social skill set that serves them better as teens and adults if they are able to give others what they need/want socially. It results in better communication with others,and also in better opportunities as they begin to have to INTERVIEW for things, YK?

On the other hand, when it becomes a matter of HIDING who you are instead of deciding which facets are most appropriate for the moment, then that is something to address.

Different behavior for different settings, right? THAT part is okay. Like using a "quiet voice" for the library or movie theater, or church. Being non-fidgety and completely quiet during a concert or play. Playing age-appropriate games with agemates seems fine in that context, even if it isn't your normal method of enjoying yourself.

Being someone that has no remote relationship to who you really are, not so much.

That's a tough one. I see this emerging with DS5. He just wants to be "one of the boys." While I agree with HK, that this isn't inherently bad, DS DOES pretend to like things that I know he doesn't and he DOES act very differently around his peers. I don't have any suggestions, but I do have similar concerns, so I am lending support (and also appreciating the wisdom of others here!).

I am much more concerned about the teacher in this scenario not knowing your child (regardless of his behaviour his capabilities don't change), than I am with your child... I tend to agree with HK.

Most of my son's (8) school friends are sport related not academic. This has been the case since K, where at first he seemed to have no friends or academic peers than he got involved in sport after a couple months and made heaps of friends (the cool kids no less).

I mostly agree with HK. That's an outstanding social ability, so long as it doesn't come across as fake or forced. One concern I'd have would be if the child is pretending to like things you know they don't, or the opposite. Being able to relate to people like you're one of them is fine, but pretending to be someone you're not is harmful in the long run.

Likewise, I'd be very, very, very worried if this child displays a tendency to follow the crowd into things they know are a bad idea. Pliability to peer pressure early on just leads to getting in trouble, but that's the time to head it off, because it leads to really bad places in the teen years.

As for teachers... get him tested, and present the data.

Dude and HK, we are seeing both the positive and the negative aspects of blending in. He is able to quickly adapt and transition to a new environment and also able to put people at ease, take newcomers under his wing and be the class clown and provide a few laughs every day. He was privately tested and the school acted on those results and provides acceleration, but that is contributing to him feeling "left out of the cool crowd" because he is in a pull out. He does have a few friends in the pullout class, but not "cool" kids - those that watch the cool cartoon shows, play the cool iphone games etc (which DS is not!).

And then comes the bad part - him trying to pretend to be someone that he is not in order to impress and gain friends. And doing things that he should never be doing because some of his peers encouraged him to do so - that pliability to peer pressure that Dude talks about. Granted, these kids are only 6 and cannot do much mischief with a strict teacher watching them, but I am worried about the teen years and beyond.

He went through a phase of saying that "studying is boring, school is for nerds, math sucks" etc. Which was what confused the teacher. Later it came out that he was mocked by some kids for saying he loved school and wanted to go to school even on weekends. That problem has been set straight now - he has understood that different kids have different attitudes to school and that it is OK to love school.

We have talked about bullying, being an upstander, not giving in to peer pressure, we have gone to his classroom and had him apologize that one time he did something wrong due to peer pressure, talked to the teacher about how he is gullible and easily influenced by peers and asked the teacher to talk to him about being true to himself etc. etc.

We are constantly asserting and educating him on how to use his own judgement and discretion when faced with peer pressure. For us, it is a long and ongoing process.

I'm not sure if you need to deal with it. My older child is 13 now. So we have long stopped trying to let school teachers see what our children are capable of. We are one of the families who have lost faith in "the system". When my kids were little, I did have thoughts similar to yours, that they needed to show what they are capable of, so that the teachers/the schools will give them what they needed. But I've give up, a lot of the teachers don't recognize how truly capable some kids are, and even if they do, they don't necessarily have the will or the means to support them. In some cases, the teachers may actually act in negative ways toward these kids. Now my philosophy is simply that my kids should have a great time at school with friends and we will make sure they learn what they need to learn at home.

Now if you are not worried about academics but about things like leadership skills or going against his best judgment in order to fit in, I think you can keep watch. I'd worry if "blending in" is painful to him, if it's something that he doesn't want to do but he feels that he has to do it in order to have friends. If it's just natural to him, I'd just keep an eye and see how it goes. Things got really bad for my DS13 in middle school, he felt miserable trying to be someone he was not in order to fit in. This, plus issues in academics, made us finally put him in a private, gifted school. The social situation improved a lot, but academics is still very bad.

He has to find out himself (with a bit of help) that the kids in the pull out are the cool kids.
Sometimes you have to let them take it a bit to far so they understand why you are reeling them in. Like you said he is 6.

If you put limits on my ds when he was 6 he would take it right to the edge, every time. If he could have 5 slips for being talkie in class he would get 4, maybe all 4 on the first day and then be good the rest of the week. I let the teacher handle that stuff.

I dont see it as such a bad thing either.

I emphatically agree with the above.