Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy How to Hothouse Your Kid

There always seems to be a certain level of uncertainty and stress in these hothousing threads. Personally, I don't like the term "hothouse." A hothouse is a warm nurturing environment for plants that keeps them safe from the weather outside. Why is that bad? I get the impression from some of the messages here that parents who teach stuff to their kids in the absence of the kid begging are somehow doing something bad. This leads to the idea that only gifted kids should be taught by mom and dad.

It seems perfectly reasonable (to me at least) for any parent to teach stuff to his/her child. There are loads of perfectly valid reasons for teaching math or music or reading to a child outside of school. As has been pointed out, there are times when, as a parent, you have to teach your child the importance of doing something or following through on something even when you'd rather be doing something else.

Obviously, there are parents out there who live vicariously through their kids and end up treating them in unhealthy ways. Amy Chua's thing with not letting her kid pee or eat until she got some chord just right is a perfect example of that. Parents who consider an A- to be a bad grade are another example of that. Parents who use their kids as status symbols are a third example.

I'm not going to say that forcing your kid to do something when he's miserable is one of those things. Sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn't. It's easy to identify the extremes but not so easy to identify the stuff in the middle. I expect we all make mistakes in that regard.

Again, this all goes to how you define "hothousing."

I did not miss out on some of the gallows humor she used, particularly in that anecdote about the piano lesson, because obviously she made a bunch of threats she never intended to carry out (and Lulu called her on it).

But reading between the lines, it's not at all clear that Lulu "loves" the piano, nor the three hours' worth of daily practice it takes up. Furthermore, the ability to play a very difficult piece on the piano at a 7yo's recital would be significantly outside of age-appropriate expectations, so why is she forcing her child to spend so much of her time at it, displacing other activities which are VITAL for healthy child development, when she clearly doesn't want to do it?

What's wrong with developing the skill at the piano to play that piece at age ten?

To me, that's a classic case of hothousing. And if a reading of her complete works leads you to conclude that she's not hothousing, then that tells me that that's what she's thinking, too.

So yeah, she's totally unaware.

Of course, the fact that her child played at Carnegie Hall will be used as a justification, but the research says tiger moms are mostly devouring their cubs.

A hothouse is a controlled artificial environment that forces plants to fruit and flower against their natural inclination.

Not necessarily. Zen Scanner made a point about an effort spectrum earlier that I agree with. A gifted hothoused child might still learn a skill more easily than a NT talented child [ETA: or another gifted child, even]. It can be tricky to disentangle the fast learning and intrinsic motivation of giftedness from hothousing on the output side of the equation. To my thinking, the relevant comparator is the child's ability to learn relative to his own best performance when not pushed, not an external comparator.

Or aware and self-deluded. Repeat an untruth often enough to yourself and it starts to seem true.

"I am not a hothousing mother...I am not a hothousing mother..."

Yup.

And look, even refusing to accept an A- may not be bad... it's situational. For DD this year-- it would be really bad news. But we didn't even blink at a B when she was a freshman.

As I understand it (and I may be wrong) the analogy developed due to the gardening practices of "forcing" a bloom when a bulb is kept warm to flower early or out-of-season. Authors have discussed "hot house tomatoes" as being bland and flavorless, as compared with those from plants which are "hardened off" as seedlings after the first frost and grow their fruits outside. Teachers have complained that "hothoused" kids are similarly sheltered from real life and unable to survive when not catered to.

Some believe in hot-housing, others believe it is detrimental.

Begging was not mentioned... just child-led or child-chosen or child-requested, supporting the child's interest in learning at their preferred, comfortable depth and pace.

Most posters tried to maintain neutrality, not judging the practice or the parents who may hot-house, but rather focusing on:
- whether it works,
- whether some practices work,
- whether it provides a temporary boost before a child's achievement/performance evens out,
- whether it may be detrimental.

Au contraire, children of all abilities may benefit from an enriched, positive environment with books, in which they are encouraged and supported to explore, inquire, and learn. Active, engaged parents who answer a child's questions may often be surprised where a conversation/exploration may lead.

Absolutely! Parents are their child/ren's first teachers. Parents know their children best.

Agreed! What a humorous bunch... as evidenced by posts upthread on "hot-housing" the teaching of dish-washing, animal husbandry, yard cleanup skills, no biting, not throwing your cup on the floor, and leaving the poor dog alone... when the children have no interest in learning these life skills or manners.

While most of us would not choose to parent that way ourselves, we may walk a fine line in trying to maintain a relationship with those who are at that point... if only so that we may gently persuade them of another way of looking at the situation from perhaps their child's view.

Growth mindset... we all learn as we go.

I think it's more of a perspective thing... see CM's irregular verbs (one of my favorite games ever):

I - am an involved parent
YOU - are kinda pushy
THEY - are hothousing to the point of child abuse

That one was a gem. You're right...the deluded hothouser pushes judgment outward, not inward per first person singular.

Dude, I so agree with you. Yet I see that Amy Chua describes her book as an exaggerated vent... or at least presents it that way now in retrospect. In the end, what we take away from this is... dark humor or abusive truth... would we choose to parent our child that way?