Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy When meetings become HOSTILE - What to do??

Another meeting.... another opportunity to be snapped at, interrupted, ignored, talked at with hostility and basically told we won't do whatever it is that I'm suggesting.

So how do I change the emotional tone of the meeting while still staying true to what our DS needs?

Get the book From Emotions to Advocacy. Pete Wright also suggested the Matlock approach. I have seen it work well. Sorry you are having a hard time--I bet if you shared more details you might get some better advice from people with similar situations.

Wow. You have my sympathies. Generally speaking, at least in my career, when meetings go that way, there's not a lot one can do, unfortunately. Techniques that have worked include trying to pleasantly recap any points upon which all agree, refocusing on options (good/bad/neutral) and documenting key agreements, however small.

Of course, that all requires having some areas of agreement. I don't recall the details of your situation, beyond the math posts. Is there anything useful in what they want to do?

This may not be an option, but after a year like that (although in our case, it was masked with private school politeness for the most part), we got the heck out of the school.

I (fortunately!) have no experience of hostile meetings about DS, but just to start you off and based on tricky meetings about other things:

- Separate identifying the problem from planning to solve it. Commonest reason for rejecting a solution is non-agreement that the precise problem it's addressing exists.

- So maybe start by asking them what problems they see DS having. Cut them off if they move to discussing solutions, or causes. If they identify the same things you see, good. If not, add in what you see, with evidence ("the other day he said to me...").

- Sum up the consensus of what the problems are; get agreement, or if there's disagreement, make it explicit.

- Then turn to solutions. Analyse them by relevance to the agreed problems. If anyone proposes something that addresses a problem not everyone agrees exists, make that explicit.

- End up with a plan whose items are justified by reference to agreed problems. Identify any problems that don't have solutions addressing them; they may need further attention.

Good luck.

I don't know the details of your specific situation, so I am not sure how helpful my advice will be, but fwiw, here it is:

1) Do your best to remain calm no matter what happens at the meeting.

2) Go into your meeting beyond well-prepared. Have a brief summary in writing of what you want to present as ideas/suggestions and a list of all the questions you can think of ahead of time. You don't have to give anyone the written summary or the list, but you'll have it to refer to so you can do your best to keep the meeting on track.

3) Be sure (as best you can) that solutions you are suggesting are workable, that accommodations you are requesting are reasonable and/or typical, etc.

4) Take notes.

5) If you are getting push-back from anyone at the meeting, try first to simply listen, then politely restate your concern or request. If that doesn't work, negotiate if you can. If negotiating isn't going to work for you, simply and calmly state that you will not be able to come to a mutually agreeable solution at this meeting, and either move on to the next item on the agenda or politely let everyone know the meeting is over and leave.

6) Send everyone who was at the meeting a brief email stating your summary of what was discussed and decided upon at the meeting, and what (if anything) was tabled for a future discussion. Keep all emotion out of this email, and give the other folks an opportunity to reply with their perception of what happened at the meeting if they recall things differently.

7) If you feel the school team has told you anything or acted in anyway that is against school district policy or violates your child's rights under IDEA or Section 504, send a followup email outlining your concern. At this point, I'd consult with an advocate first. NOTE - I don't think this applies to your situation (?) because I think you are advocating for differentiation or acceleration or possibly high school credit, not for accommodations etc. (not sure?)

8) Accept the fact that you can't change the school staff and that all the advocating in the world might not get you what you want. We hit that brick wall and for us, it was *the single best thing* I've done in advocating to acknowledge it wasn't ever going to work. We left that school - I realize not everyone can leave or should give up, but if you can, that may very well be your best route to take.

Hope some of that helps,

polarbear

Thanks all!!!! deacongirl - great book, I've read it and planning on skimming it over before the next meeting.

Polarbear - wish another school was an option, but for us it's not. The issues are so easily fixable, won't cost them any money or resources at all. They just don't want to deviate from their plan because it's their plan. I think I just need to go with #8 accept they won't change and stop trying to help them see my point of view.

Thankfully I live in a protected state so I have some due process. In the meantime, I've taken to doing what so many others have done; teach DS the subject at home so at least I know he's getting something he needs.

One last question... Does anyone know where I can find an article on regression? I can't remember which site it was on but it talks about when progress is actually regression.
Thanks.

polarbear has an excellent outline. I do pretty much as she outlined, but for #3, I actually don't go in with solutions. I go in with issues and concerns and I go in prepared to accept or reject their proposed solutions. I then ask how their solution meets the needs of the child. I do this because I do not have as clear a sense of the scope of potential solutions, nor can I see the whole picture for the school (mid-year subject accelerations, for instance, might simply be near impossible for certain classrooms).

I'd also add that I refuse to surprise the school team with outside evidence, so I disclose it before the meeting. I then turn around and ask for their evidence ahead of the meeting as well. I've had a 50% success rate at this. When I get the evidence in the meeting, I take it very slowly as I go through it myself.

I also work to prevent the conflicts in the first place, by doing groundwork and homework first. I meet with the classroom teacher and the key intervention people first to outline the status of things. They rarely will tell me much (this is a "team" decision, they'll say), but I can generally feel out what the sentiment and concerns are ahead of time, to help me prepare.

This is very dependent on the particular players, though. When we encountered hostility in the school (we had a truly toxic principal) we hired a consultant who started working with our district's Director of Special Services. He was open and cooperative. He would speak with me on the phone and/or meet with our consultant with or without us included in the meeting. We had a very solid working relationship and he generally found solutions in advance so meetings were smooth, cooperative and uneventful. Once he left the district everything changed. Blindsiding us was a matter of course.

We would provide all of our information in advance but the district would not. New Director of Pupil Personnel Services (DPPS) does not return phone calls (even at one point sending an email to confirm receipt of the voice message but not calling back). She will not communicate with our consultant. Yeah it's so much more efficient for us to have to take time out of the superintendent's schedule to discuss concerns than for her to return his phone call - that makes so much more sense.

In meetings they do not answer questions until she gets to the point where she chooses to share the information. There is always a stack of papers near her on the table from some evaluation or other that she will not distribute until she has presented her position on the information. They come in with a prepared script and she poses "a question" and various members of the district team "respond" with their prepared lines. So in other words we no longer get any information in advance. We also rarely got to make "team decisions" as required by federal law. It became a series of school decisions that we were being put on the spot to accept. Any response along the lines of "We will need to discuss this with DD's psychologist. We will let you know next week" would lead to DPPS stating something along the line of "Let the record reflect that the district has offered/requested [item} and the parents have refused."

Now we go into meetings and keep things closer to the vest, revealing and requesting items on the spot. Much to my surprise we have had good results. Things we request information about in advance seem to become more difficult. A reasonable request made on the spot is almost always agreed to. Of course we are now armed with well respected education consultant and child psychologist and represented by the best special ed attorney in the state.

Gee, I wonder just why our relationship with the district may have broken down...

What happens if you state "we need to run that past our lawyer" ? Maybe that would make them more careful about noting refusal when they blindside you an expect an immediate answer. Mind you I am an awful advocate. My current plan is to get a teacher for my son next year who doesn't intimadate me.