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Today I met with DD7's teacher, asst principal and 2 guidance counselors. The teacher said she was having major issues with DD's behavior and staying on task. I thought it would be good bring a few people together as the teacher has been a bit condescending and unprofessional so far. She seems to see DD7 as a problem rather than trying to help DD and figure out what's going on.
From the start of the meeting she wasn't very nice. Didn't say hello and just asked me to follow her into the conference room. She asked that I start the meeting since it was my idea to have one. I discussed that DH and I were concerned about the teachers trouble with DD's behavior and I want to work as a team to try and figure out what might be going on and how we can help DD stay on task and not be talkative or disruptive. The 30m the teacher was in the room I felt like nothing was really accomplished. She said she was concerned with the level books DD chooses (K) vs. what they know she can read (2+). The counselor suggested narrowing DD's choices but the teacher seemed to reluctantly agree. I feel so confused and discouraged with that portion of the meeting. I'm not sure why this teacher appears to not want to help the situation and make suggestions as to what she feels is going.
Once the teacher left the tension was gone. We didn't really come to a solution as the teacher didn't have much to say in regards to the behavior. She wasn't sure if there was a pattern other than she feels it occurs most in the mornings.
She mentioned DD is careless about her work, is clearly capable but sometimes chooses not to do it, has poor hand writing, etc.
I brought up testing her to see exactly what she is capable of but other than the assessments already given which she scored really high on the school will only place her in a talent pool. I discussed how DH and I are having her privately evaluated and they thought it was a great idea. Even with the evaluation unless she reaches the ceiling on the test there isn't much they will change as far as curriculum goes. The teacher said she is already giving her differential work and some DD is doing very poorly on.

Other than getting the private eval done I feel so lost. The counselors were great and it went well with them, not so much with the teacher. I feel like nothing was really accomplished though. No brainstorming on why she is disruptive, not on task, doing poorly. We are not seeing these behaviors at home. I know home is different but if she had poor behavior then why only at school?
This is my first time advocating with the school system. It feels tough and a little lonely. It doesn't help that I have nothing to back me up but my mom radar.

Sounds like the teacher is very negative and unhelpful. She is probably a big part of the problem. Would she be willing to let you observe the class or could one of the guidance counselors? Is there a school psych? When I had concerns about DD, the school psych went in and observed her, then gave me a report.

In terms of behavior, she should put together some sort of positive behavior plan, like a reward or sticker chart. You will probably need the help of the guidance counselors to put something in place.

My thought reading your post is that your DD has the same problem as you do... a inflexible, teacher who has made some negative assumptions about her.

Testing and observation give you a place to start.

I don't have a daughter but I frequently hear of girls underperforming to "fit in". Is it possible your daughter is feeling too different from her classmates because of how the differentiation given is offered to her. She may be doing the "dumbing down" thing many of the girls struggle with.

I'm not much help but don't discount your mommy sense... use it to motivate you to each step as it comes. You are already doing this.

I would agree that she definitely comes off as negative and unhelpful. Even at open house when she was talking to the parents as a group about curriculum and what not, she was negative and up in arms is the impression I got. IT has been no different when she discusses DD. Being that she seems to have a blah attitude, I do feel she is more of the problem. Although DD is only in 1st grade, this is the first teacher to have "major issues." DD can be difficult, demanding, intense etc no doubt. I guess I expected to come to the table and not have to make all the suggestions and figure this out on my own so to speak. I'm not sure if they have a school psych. I know that I can visit DD's classroom and it's a simple set up. I will definitely have to observe to get a clear picture of the classroom setting.

They have a clip up/down color chart. They mentioned that it is not typical for a K or 1st grader to clip down as often as DD does. The suggestion for that was setting up a reward system at home based off the days she has at school. I'm nt sure I agree with this though. For 2 reasons, a) i do not get a progress report from the teacher daily (she is 1 out of 5 that don't do daily reports) so I am relying on DD to tell me. Which has been going well so far b) when DD has a bad day at school she doesn't usually have a bad day at home. I don't want to punish her for being bored or behavior that is a reaction to her environment. Does that make sense?

It is definitely possibly she is "dumbing down." The teacher stated in not so many words that she isn't sure what is going on as far as DD's work because DD will do great on one assignment and then when given another one very similar will do poorly. When I spoke of DD mentioned many times that the work she does is baby work or she is bored the teacher was not hearing it. She said she doesn't understand how DD could be bored especially when she does poorly on some of her work.
I have know for many years something is off with DD and could never put my finger on it. I could see that she was different than her peers and didn't quite fit in or the mold. Years 3-6 were exhausting. She was intense, demanding and so active. She was insatiable most of the time and complained of boredom or misbehaved. I don't have any assessments other than the schools to "back me." Which the teacher so nicely pointed out that not all DD's scores are high. I addressed the possibility that DD is underachieving (maybe I was using the wrong term...oops)and the teacher changed her tune some and said DD is capable of the work and choosing not to do it sometimes. I'm just lost and confused.

It would not surprise me if she was underperforming because I did. I don't remember doing it earlier than 6th grade. It was easier to conform and not be teased.

Another possibility is an undiagnosed learning disability or other exceptionality. Our school problems began when written output increased. My well behaved child was suddenly a "behavior problem". All that followed this development eventually that led us to testing and a new understanding of the disabilities and the inappropriate demands he had been laboring under. I never would have guessed my son would have a LD although in looking back the signs have been there consistently since beginning preschool.

I say all that to say keep collecting data, read some books and posts on 2e kids and maybe things will start to come into better focus for you. There are many posts here that are infinitely enlightening and you may begin to find what that "something is off" feeling is about.

I agree. Until you are comfortable with the situation, I would avoid any sort of set up where she either gets a reward or punishment at home based on what happened at school.

I spent a week at a conference and DS came with me. From birth he has been an intense and demanding little guy. No naps or much sleep.The something is off with DD feeling made so much sense when someone commented to me that my 3m old may be gifted. Her children are 2e and she had worked with GT children for many years. I laughed it off because he was so little but she insisted that I look it up. I love to research stuff so I looked into it and realized that so much about DD made sense. DS1 is just like DD7 except more intense at an earlier age. When I began reading more and more, it made sense as DH and I have so many of the HG traits. DH was a "problem child" and his abilities were definitely overlooked as he scored perfect scores on aptitude tests. I was teased a lot for being smart and had my mom pull me from AP courses. It almost feels relieving to read articles and come on here. I feel like DD is normal (I say normal loosely :)) when for so many years I was frustrated with her and didn't understand her.

There could definitely be a LD there as well. She has expressed sensitivity to sound and is very easily distracted by it. She has had awful ear infections since 6m, had tubes, and now has a hole in one ear causing a hearing loss. She had hearing loss prior to tubes as well. I'm new to all this and don't know if this is accurate but there may be an auditory disability?

Until the testing is done, it's going to drive me crazy about what exactly is happening.

It's probably actually really good she has behavior issues. Something is not right and if she were holding it together just a tiny bit better the teacher would have no incentive to make any changes. And you might not realize. I am seeing with my DS that the squeaky wheel is a good thing in the very long run.

At least this is the way I am trying to look at things with DS6.

In comparison to yours, DSs teacher is sweet and helpful seeming and has made some helpful changes for him to address his writing problems. She is kind and nice to him. On the other hand she is controlling and all ideas apparently have to come from her. She is also very strict, caring about their facial expressions or manner of sitting.

DS was originally exhibiting some meltdowns and outright oppositional and rude behavior. He is still crying some and looks on the brink of meltdown apparently quite often. We have been frequently not sending him to school on days where it seems inevitable he would lose it. At first I was worried about seeming like we weren't taking school seriously but in the end it is good, it is something we can point to to say look DS really needs accommodations or further differentiation of some sort because at the moment he's not even able to go to school full time.

As it turns out attendance is a huge motivator for schools because if their average daily attendance drops too low their funding suffers. So in a roundabout way not going to school makes a problem more likely to be worked on.

Even if the teacher is not being communicative you can be communicative with them. We have been increasingly making statements over email labelled update, to back up our future attempts at change, just communicating that DS is still struggling with being unhappy or anxious about school or whatever. If it's not in writing it's not an issue.

I hope to observe soon also.

We spoke to a psychologist with a teaching background. They recommended to simultaneously:
1. look at alternate schools.
2. consider homeschooling type options.
3. request evaluations based on the behavior issues and unhappiness and anxiety as well as any remotely possible learning issues. Just because a child is performing on grade level in all areas does not mean evaluations shouldn't be done. When requesting or doing evaluations it is not the step of assessing eligibility for services, it is merely saying "hey there is a problem and we need to get to the root of it". Requesting evaluations in writing also formalizes that the parent really feels there is a problem.
4. Do your own evaluations to the extent possible.
5. Contact the district (yes go above the school without asking them first) and say something such as "We are exploring all the options for our child and are interested to find out what would be the district's response if we wanted to X" X being partial days at home or hire an in school tutor or any other unusual arrangement that you personally think might help. Do not ask to do the thing. You are interested in precedent and their policies and exceptions, generally speaking. IF you just ask for something unusual the response would be more likely to be no unless you have approached in a way in which they can think to themselves about it. Don't ask the principal or teacher first as they will just say no. Later this gives you the ability to go to the teacher or principal and say, "We would like to request such and such. We have inquired as to district policy and understand they would support this option".

My suggestion is that you need to get your DD tested so that if there is an exceptionality 'going on' remediation can begin as early as possible.

Nothing beats hard, empirical data at these sorts of meetings.

Also, gird yourself for a hard slog as these 'meetings' will in all likelihood be a perennial event in your life from now on.

Also, try enriching/engaging at home if possible so that your DD can spread her wings somewhere.

Good luck