Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Advice needed on very difficult teacher

Do make sure that your dd knows that she needs to tell you EVERYTHING now about this teacher. Teachers should not come between kids and parents.

Whoahhhhh-- yes, yes, yes.

NO secrets. Why shouldn't your child tell you about each and every thing that is going on in this class (or any other) anyway??

I suppose the implication is that she's lying, with this not-so-subtle message being intended for me. But as I said, it doesn't matter what DD tells me about her, because the homework comments speak for themselves.

I took it as an accusation of lying too, because in her eyes she's done nothing but great teaching practice, ergo your DD must be lying for you to be upset....

Yes, definitely-- but--

this is clearly retaliatory behavior on some level, whether it is that she thinks ill of YOU or of your child, she is definitely tweaking your child, who is a student in her class, and therefore there is an imbalance of power, which is being abused in the process. NOT. COOL.

Absolutely MoN and HK are correct in their concerns.

Yes, I agree completely. I suspect she isn't used to being questioned.

In keeping with what others have posted regarding encouraging your daughter to share what is going on at school, not letting teachers divide-and-conquer or come between parents and children, and also possible future impacts of a child feeling stuck to tough-it-out in an intimidating situation... you might wish to consider communicating the above not only to your daughter but also to the teacher and the principal, requesting (requiring) their future communication be solely with you as parents directly, without side comments to your daughter or using your daughter as a go-between.

Clearly setting forth that this is a matter on which the adults will communicate privately, demonstrates that you will not follow in the teacher's footsteps, essentially allowing her to lead and determine the course of the matter. It also avoids involving others (child or adult) who may be within earshot of the teacher's comments. Other children may easily pick up on a teacher's displeasure with a student, resulting in exclusion. Simply put, others will not want to risk being the object of the teacher's displeasure and suffer the consequences.

So many questions come to mind! Once your daughter is out of the situation, has this brought to the surface an opportunity for the school to improve it's educational delivery? Do parents typically have the ability to choose or request a teacher for their child? If so, the school may get an idea of how many parents prefer this teacher's style. Has this teacher enforced the same rules for all students? Are the rules posted proactively? For example, did the teacher send a note to parents discussing that she will be grading not only the demonstrated knowledge of the academic subject but also the adherence to a specific set of rules and conventions as parents have requested that students form these habits of attention to detail? Did parents have the ability to opt out? Is there positive reinforcement for following the rules (therefore could the negative reinforcement of impacting student grades be discontinued)?

Have you heard back from the school? Your poor dd!

Nope. Was just thinking I'll have to send an email this afternoon asking about it

She's crossed a line beyond teaching ineptitude into controlling and, potentially, abusive behaviour. To actively try to suppress your daughter's expression and insinuate herself into your family's affairs is beyond presumptuous and highly inappropriate for all the reasons the previous posters have mentioned. An attempt to create a communications barrier between parent and child is a classic sign of grooming children for abuse, especially when the groomer is in a position of authority over the child. The school should be just as concerned about psychological grooming as grooming for physical abuse.

If it were my son, I would remove him from Ms. T's classes immediately.

I would also want my husband with me at meetings, lest I feel inclined to throttle the witch.

Val, I'm so sorry you have to face this ordeal. FWIW, I think you've handled it well.

ETA: I would avoid the use of the word "bully" because that has connotations of impropriety between peers. Rather, I'd describe Ms. T's behaviour as predatory. She is deliberately behaving this way toward those under her power and influence. Big difference.