Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Sibling Trouble

I know we've talked about difficult sibling issues, but I thought I'd ask for advice again.

DS11 will be an 8th grader at small charter school. He took Alg 1 this year and they don't offer Alg 2, but are planning to offer a statistics course for mathy kids (since statistics won't conflict/duplicate anything they'll do in High School). DS9 will be a 6th grader next year at the school and placed out of Alg 1, so he'd be in the same statistics class.

DS11 burst into tears yesterday saying he was afraid his little brother would get better grades in the class and he would be teased by all his friends (DS11 is very sensitive). Now I don't know what to do--I wish there were more options at the school so they didn't have to be together. I probably should figure out two different online courses they could work on (preferably at school, but I don't see the school venturing into that yet). I hate seeing my sweet DS11 so upset.

You and Dottie need to put your heads together, I think...

Oh Cym,
this is a tough one, but perhaps one of those 'blessings of a skinned knee' moments?

What, indeed if the DS9 does do better? In some families that would happen. Would the true friends tease, or stand by DS11? What does it mean about the friends? Do they ever tease about other things?

I wouldn't run for the online class yet, although you could consider it aloud with DS11, so he can see the downsides to quiting before he's even tried.

Funny story - in 6th grade DB came home bragging that he was the second funniest boy in the grade.

"who is the funniest?"
It turned out that his twin brother held that honor.

Seems to me that boys are always talking (and thinking) about who is strongest, fastest, smartest...etc.

When DS11, finally started to talk I was so excited. (I had the uncanny feeling that he understand what we said at 6 weeks.) One of his first complicated sentences, to another 3 year old boy, was:
"My stick is bigger than yours."

So I try to put my 'boy glasses' on when listening to DS11, or should I say 'boy ears?'

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Maybe the prospect of being in the same class has just brought out feelings that he has had for a while--fears that his younger brother is smarter than he is. Even if you arrange it so that they are not in the same class, ultimately the issue will come up again. My guess is that is why he is so upset. It's not just about this one class.

GT or not, siblings always have these fears--do my parents love my brother more than me because he is (fill in the blank)? And no, I don't think it's really about the possible teasing. That scenario is just how he envisions humiliation.

As a kid I didn't really understand parental love. I don't think I understood until I became a parent...

I think it does help to have kids of different genders. One thing that worries me about my two is that I see DD shying away from areas where she has talent (e.g. math) that she sees as DS' talent domain. Maybe he is more "mathy" than she is, but she is still quite talented! I'd hate for her to stop developing a talent area just because of him. What I see is that they are sort of claiming different areas: DD declares her interests to be literature, art, athletics and DS is interested in math, science, music. Maybe that's just how they work this kind of thing out. Maybe by claiming different areas they avoid comparisons. Or maybe they really do have affinities for different things regardless of talent.

If it helps, my two gifted brothers have remained very close. Even though one is PG and globally gifted and the other is MG/HG with a narrower talent set. There was a period when they were in jr. high and high school when the younger one suffered and felt he could never live up to his older brother's accomplishments. It has not harmed their relationship in the long term.

Cathy

I think it is important to note that this sort of jostling for position happens in EVERY sibling relationship, GT or no, accelerated or no.

I think it is possible to worry too much about that sibling relationship or attribute too much of what trouble occurs to acceleration, when some of that would be going on anyway, even if everyone in the family were ND.

As an older sibling, I guess I don't feel like the older sibling's position should be sacrosanct. As Cathy notes, little siblings have to wrestle with insecurities every day. I don't think it's necessarily bad for an older sibling to have to deal with being less good at something, too.

Of course, that's easy for me to say, since it's not likely to be a problem we'll ever experience...

Very true. In some ways, acceleration creates issues similar to having twins. A friend with twins has been wrestling with whether to keep them together or not. The school recommends not.

I just checked back and found you all have been having a great conversation while I was away. I think the big conclusion is that I can't have them in the same class. I knew that intuitively, but I thought it might work...kinda. But, I really have to explore other possibilities; maybe the community college down the block from the school (gotta go talk to them--I've been putting it off), maybe the nearby alternative high school (it's reputation is that it's for pregnant girls), or maybe the further away traditional high school. Get DS11 taking an outside class somewhere and DS9 take AoPS in the evening, I suppose. I'm not so thrilled with any of the possibilities and wish there were more than one math teacher at the little school.

The rivalry has been going on for yrs now and abated for the last 2 yrs while they've been at different schools. I wish I could make DS11 not feel threatened, because he's so talented himself and his insecurity is such a self-defeating thing. I have talked to him about it many times--but it doesn't seem to do any good, and I worry that their relationship will never be very strong (DS9 used to be destroyed by it--why is E so mean to me? He used to be the best brother).

Luckily for us, that is not our situation right now. But if I did have to make that decision today, I wouldn't do it. I think girls can be just as competitive as boys, at least, mine appear to be! The two girls that are intellectually matched and in class with DD8 are EXTREMELY competitive. Not sure where it comes from, but the three are friends and seem to naturally balance their personal need to be the best and the fastest! Not so with DD8 and DD5. My goodness, they will actually hip check each other running upstairs to the bathroom at night to get there first. We absolutely are not encouraging this.
We are in a large school district, there are 4 or 5 junior highs and 2 high schools so perhaps someone in this situation could send the child to another school in the district. That might solve the problem. I do know that younger daughter is more interpersonally talented than big sis. Moving her into the same grade in the same school would be a nightmare for big sis.
Maybe my view would be different, though, if I were actually in this situation.