Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy DS's School Called Me Today

Hey Gang!

I received a call from DS2�s (turns 3 in Nov) school today. I was told that DS is increasingly more aggressive with the other kids, and they�re not sure why. Specifically, this morning DS pushed, hit and kicked the other kids. After he hit one child, DS went over to his teacher � wagged his index finger at her and said �No hitting. We don�t hit our friends.� DS�s teacher said that he obviously knows what he�s doing is wrong since he used the same words she uses to scold naughty behavior. She also said that she doesn�t think DS is bored.

I took DS to the doctor yesterday to see if he was sick. DS�s health is fine. Our home-life is okay (i.e., emotionally stable and peaceful). You should know that DS hits DH and me too. DS hits/kicks me more, but I think that�s just b/c I spend the most quality time with him. DS is our only child.

How do you know when your child�s behavior is purely age-appropriate or something else (i.e., more or different)? I�ve read �1-2-3 Magic� and �The Happiest Toddler on the Block� without much improvement in DS�s behavior. DS�s grandma, DH and I have all made sure we�re disciplining the same.

Have any of you used a child psychologist? I�m not sure what else to do, and I thought an *expert* may be able to help. I would like it if someone who knows/understands children could spend time with DS and tell me what they think. I�m not sure what type of qualifications this person would have. Any ideas?

I hope all of you are doing well.

Ann

Ann - i'm sorry you got that call. I'm not going to be much help because I don't have much personal experience with hitting, except I know when we went to early childhood classes, this was very normal behavior, and the following book was recommended:
Hands Are Not For Hitting Book

DS4 did hit a couple times when he was really frustrated with something, and we gave him immediate consequences (no warning) that could not be earned back (loss of bedtime books). That worked for us. Good luck!

I think this is a common phase. DD went through a hitting phase when she was about 3. We also used immediate consequences to good effect.

My dd went thru a phase as well. You need to have consistent and immediate consequences. At that age, I would not try to reason with him and give a big lecture of why hitting is wrong. Simply give him a consequence immediately after he hits. He will soon learn that this is not acceptable behavior. It will soon pass...

What immediate consequences worked for your child? When DS hits me he gets an immediate time out. I'll stand him up against something (wall, bush, car - wherever we are). Usually DS will throw his head backward into my pelvis and/or slink to the ground and try to scoot away. DS's nurse told me that I should put him in a time out and sit six feet away from him while giving him the evil eye should he move. However, the evil eye doesn't work on DS - he gets up and leaves. If I sit him back down the process repeats itself.

When DS hit me this evening I tried something different. I acted dramatic and wounded (insert somewhat rampant emotionalism). DS told me that I was okay - stopped acting out physically, but still didn't go in the house like I'd asked him to. His anger with me is always b/c he doesn't get to do what he wants when he wants. I'm not sure if this is the same situation at school. In the morning DS tells me that he doesn�t want to go to school and that he wants to stay home with me. However, that�s not an option for us.

The trick is to find out something that your ds will really be unhappy about. For my DS, timeouts didn't matter, and at the age he was hitting, taking away books really mattered. Another phase, taking away anything with sugar in it for the day really got to him. Now, it would be taking away computer time. Maybe taking away a favorite stuffed animal? For me, it was just figuring out what that thing was that will really work as a consequence, instead of getting an "i don't mind" sort of response.

Thanks! I hadn't thought about that. If I took away anything with wheels DS would be mad. I think he'd also be upset if I took away his stickers. I'll try it out tomorrow and let you know how it goes.

Oh - one more thing that worked. We would put the favorite toy or thing in a timeout (out of reach for the child). He hated that. this works especially well if 2 kids are fighting over a toy...

Dr. Phil calls it currency! Yes, it's probably a phase. Yes, it's appropriate to let them know there will be consequence to behavior. Time outs don't work for all kids.
As long as you are calm and don't have anger in your voice you can mandate any consequence you think will have impact.
We took minutes away from bedtime. Meaning, each time the behavior was not okay, they were given a warning: If you continue, you will lose 15 minutes of bedtime.
That seems to be the precious commodity for them.
Consistency is the most important thing.
All kids go through this and for some kids it's just more extreme, no you are not imagining this!
I agree that you don't really need professional help yet.
Just be firm and consistent. Try for awhile. You can be the judge if it isn't working and you want a little help.

Wishing you the best,
Neato

The only time outs that work with DD are when we sit calmly together and I nurse her and then I explain to her why her behavior is inapropriate.

With DS I tried before 18m to put him in the 'box' (Dutch word for playpen) but this was making him even more angry, so his behavior was getting worse and then he would get more box time and so on. We removed the box and his behavior improved dramatically.

Maybe your son needs some physical outlet. An old matress to jump upon or a trampoline, or something like that.