Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school Please Help - very strong headed

It's important for children to know that their parents aren't perfect and model life skills and what it means to have high emotional intelligence but with when DD is having her moments or moments that go on for the whole day, she is mostly testing me to see if she can affect me in any way. When she sees that it's not working, she stops eventually. When I am less than perfectly calm, she keeps on pushing. If I tell her gently that I am beginning to feel frustrated because she is doing x instead of doing y, she goes and does x 10 times or if she knows she couldn't do it 10 more times then she does it 10 times worse) just to see what I'd do or say. If I start explaining then she starts arguing. If I tell her I need a few minutes to gather my thoughts, she sees it as a rejection then starts really misbehaving.

Raising a child who is highly manipulative and defiant by nature has seriously tested my limits and skills.

As a last resort, I checked out a book on applying DBT to parenting a child with intense emotions. Will report back on how that goes.

It is a challenge when the payoff for the child is recognizing that her actions are impacting you in that way, so really the conflict itself is the reward. No advice, just support. ...So hard with the asynchronous development. As you said, 3 and 13 years old at the same time...

SAHM, thank you for your support. We had a horrible day two days ago but things are perfectly calm again. I know I shouldn't complain since it'd be much harder if DD was difficult everyday instead of once in a blue moon but knowing that I am most likely the trigger makes me feel 100 times worse.

I had an interesting discussion with two friends over the latest episodes; one friend thought that DD is entitled to have one or two bad days a month and I need to just let them slide. The other friend thought it's all the sugar I feed her (frozen yogurt, smoothies, muffins, cupcakes, etc). I think they both are right. I don't believe sugar causes hyperactivity generally but I know I get really irritable when my sugar high starts coming down.

DD has been a master puppeteer since she was 10 months old. She was at a birthday party and she had two boys (3 & 4) competing for her attention and waiting on her hand and foot when they had so many fun activities to do instead. Everyone thought it was the cutest thing they've ever seen except I knew then I was heading into a real trouble. If she was this skillful with non-verbal clues, how bad is it going to be when she starts talking? Raising a child who can read people's emotions as open books and knows exactly what to do and say to get what she wants out of people and situations is really, really scary.

She has very advanced empathy skills and the ability to manipulate is also the ability to lead. She is still trying to figure these new skills out, but at least you know she has great leadership potential! Not trying to minimize the struggle at all, just looking for the silver lining.

My DD has some of the same willful qualities and there are times that I just want to crawl into a fetal position and retreat from the situation. I have found that keeping track of good versus bad days has helped me put things into perspective. Generally speaking, I have found that the good days far outweigh the bad; however, when we're in the middle of a bad cycle it's hard to remember that.

Also, it's helped to look at patterns in her behavior. She usually becomes more stubborn and intractable when going through a major change or milestone (e.g., potty training, moving to a big girl bed, starting a new preschool). Furthermore, I have noticed that it takes her about 8-10 weeks to adjust to a change. Knowing this approximate amount of time, allows me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Finally, realizing these two things has helped me to have more empathy for her behavior and to look at it as her way of coping rather than a personal affront.

Lastly, if you are able to find a good preschool for her (even just a half day), it will certainly give you some breathing room and time away from her. My DD has gone to a Montessori Preschool since she turned 2 and the half day that we are apart allows me to replenish the emotional reserves needed to deal with her "bad days".

Good Luck!