Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school Please Help - very strong headed

My 3yo DD is so strong headed we literally can't do anything. If I ask her to eat she will scream on the floor. Yesterday she refused to eat the whole day & I let her skip the meals she refused (thinking eventually she WILL eat. And she didn't, just to prove a point. She was sick & tired by the end of the day). She wants to make a "compromise" for everything. Literally everything. I think the only thing without argument I could get her to do would be to eat candy or watch TV (she gets VERY little of either - but I think those are the only thing she wants to do).
It gets so so bad & she will make up thinks like "It's December, so it's my birthday". She knows very well it is August but then will throw a fit when I say "no we can't have your birthday party now... ect."

If I try to get her to do something, anything, she will say, "lets compromise... I will _____ (fill in eat 3 bites, put on my shoes, go get dressed, brush my teeth, pick up that paper I dropped, get in my chair, brush my hair, walk to the door, ect) if you let me watch a DVD (or something else she wants). I am going CRAZY.

She wants to win every argument no matter what it is. I tried to get her out of the bath yesterday and she insisted on staying in to the point where she was freezing in an empty bath then half jokingly my husband said "if you don't get out I'll turn on the cold water..." she said "TURN IT ON! I am NOT getting out" After trying for a few more minutes to get her out he turned it on and she sat in the COLD water & still didn't get out. She was SO pleased with herself. After a while she strolled out & got her towel (with a smirk on her face). Anything we ask/tell her to do it is like this. I have no clue what to do. I feel like surely there is something we could do to help but I ask everyone & no one has a clue or they suggest things we've been trying. She reads on a 1st+ grade level but if I ask her to read to me or her sister she throws a fit & refuses. She will read to her self, on her own schedule. She will really do anything if it's on her schedule... but life is not like that & we do HAVE to do some things/go places and it is MISERABLE trying to get her to do anything. Please please help!!!!

She's three and a half, isn't she? Those six months almost killed us. I recommend reading Your Three Year Old: Friend or Enemy. Some of the advice is very dated, but child development doesn't change.

Good luck. You will survive, I promise.

Yikes, sounds fun.

DS went though something like this and for him it seemed to be about his lack of control. What worked with him was that I gave him 2-3 options rather than telling him what to do directly when I could. So if we were going out instead of telling him to go get ready I started saying things like "do you want to put your shoes on first or your jacket". Meal times I gave him control over parts of it "do you want an apple or banana with breakfast". Bath battle time we used "it's time to get out, do you want Daddy to help you or Mommy".

YMMV but it often worked for us and then at least I was less worn down for the remaining battles

Yes, 3 1/2. Will try Your Three Year Old: Friend or Enemy... any cliff notes? I don't have time for reading these days .

We have tried the choices that still get us to where I need us to go but she says things like, "I don't want to do either, or no one can help me out.. ect" She is in Montessori and has had those choices for years so I don't think it has the novelty of getting a "choice" anymore

Honestly, it's old advice, but the best of all is--

so don't argue.

Just endure the screaming fit without comment, or-- if you must-- point out that the behavior is rude and socially unacceptable, though you understand that she is upset... it's not really fair to make HER problems everyone ELSE's problems.

Then stop. Walk away if she's safe (deprive her of an audience), and gently/quietly/placidly keep her safe if you can't.

Then go on about your day.

DO NOT be manipulated by her. It will only get worse and she will graduate to more elaborate means of manipulating you if you do.

As others have said-- it's a rough stage to live through. Think of it as training for the stage I'm in-- mine is 14, and has regained many of the same (less-savory) qualities that she did at this age. "It's normal" isn't a lot of consolation when you're living through it. How about-- it's temporary instead?

I like the "temporary". I have heard more than once, "just wait until she is a teenager" that scares me. It really really does

In retrospect, when my DD did this (at about 3-3.5) it was because she was TESTING the adults around her to find out whether she could control us with her behavior.

Honestly, the 'choice' thing seemed to make it worse, because it offered the tantalizing reward of... engagement with her competitor. En garde, if you will. Only I didn't recognize it.

When she COULD rope me in, it invariably escalated things over a period of days/weeks. Because she was looking for a boundary condition-- a hard wall to keep her (emotionally) safe, sort of.

It was a great relief to her to be told "NO" without further discussion by an authority figure that was not going to budge no matter what she tried. It was comforting to know that SHE was not in control of the adults in her life. At 3, how terrifying is it to know that YOU are the one driving the bus?? Pretty scary if you're smart enough to also know that there is a lot that is scary and confusing about the world, and that you lack the tools to deal with it effectively. Better to have someone more experienced/mature in control.

Some things can be a matter for choice, others not so much. "No, this isn't open for discussion" is a completely valid response to a 3yo. In some instances, it's also valid with my 14yo, in spite of what she thinks.

Developmentally normal, yes, but the lengths to which HG+ kids are capable of elevating this game are downright disturbing. DD was very wily at 3, and even moreso now at 14. It stopped when I stopped actively feeding the process. A good reminder to me about not feeding the cycle, though. I've needed this lately with her.

To clarify my earlier post - giving choices helped us because it lowered the number of battles we had to go through in a day and let me pick the ones that mattered and had real lines I didn't want crossed. I don't care if he eats and apple or a banana so I gave him the choice and let him feel like he had some control for parts of his life which in turn made him less confrontational about the parts of his life he had no control over. When we did have battles then I fully agree with the above posts (not engaging, strict boundaries, extremely consistent rules). Once he did dig then there was no negotiating or options because as pointed out they will find new ways to push the boundaries.

Right-- and knowing which is which with a particular child is really key.

Mine was the same model as Portia's-- the conflict WAS the point. Not the autonomy, but the manipulation of other people (namely-- me).

First of all, it's a stage that'll be over pretty soon. Second, she does sound like a wonderful, creative kid who can be a bit of a challenge!

One of my 3 earned the nickname "The Loop-Holer" when he was about 3, because he couldn't just accept rules at face value either. He was always trying to compromise or would find a loophole in a rule. It was equally funny and annoying.

My advice would be to let her make decisions whenever she can. And if her compromise could work, listen to her and let her win.

But when you need her to do something, just don't compromise. Tell her, "sorry, not tonight." It's OK to be firm, as long as you don't change your mind once you've said "no." And yes, that can make a kid like her mad. Too bad.

In the case of bath time, the problem with threatening to turn on the cold water is that she still won't get out and you want her out, right? So that's not solving the problem.

I might have agreed to 5 more minutes, but once that was over, it's over. I would have given a warning that if she didn't get out of the tub by the count of 3, she would lose bed time stories (or whatever the consequence). And then I would have calmly lifted her out of the tub kicking and screaming if necessary if she still refused to get out. When she screams and yells at the loss of stories, I would calmly say, "You had a choice to get out and you didn't. I think that's really sad, too. Next time, I hope you do what I ask so you can have stories."

I think it's important to stay calm and not let her get you mad. I really liked the advice in 1-2-3 Magic when my kids were that age, plus I used a little bit of Love and Logic.