Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy how do you deal with the constant knocking down?

Hi,

So, our saga continues. Just looking for how you cope with something that I keep encountering. The school continually "knocks down" DS6 ability and talent. I know that it's done as a part of an effort to not accommodate him. If they point out that he doesn't have special needs and that there are other children just like him, then they don't have to do anything! Do I just keep restating, "my son has very special needs. Here is the documentation. Please stop ignoring this."

Can you be more specific about what's happening? Are they artificially evaluating him low (as in, reducing his score despite his performance), or are they failing to evaluate him up to his ability?

What is your documentation?

We have gotten this quite a bit over the years. As in, "we have a lot of bright students" or "there are a lot of kids who are doing very well in math" or "she's not getting 100% right on everything so there are still things for her to work on." What's frustrating about it is when you have documentation that your child is in the 99.9th percentile - just statistically you're not going to have several kids in the class performing at that level in a normal classroom. I think the problem comes in, though, because of two things: 1) teachers, for the most part, don't understand testing, and 2) teachers are looking at grade-level measures and never even look at how far beyond the curriculum any given student is (e.g., several students may be getting 99 percent correct on grade level material, but only two of those are performing a grade level above, and of those two, only one - your child - is two to three years above).

Unfortunately, we haven't had much luck in convincing many people that our child is not merely one of many, but that doesn't mean that we haven't been able to advocate successfully. Above level testing helps, as does just ignoring their comparisons of your child to others and focusing on getting your child's needs met. I certainly empathize, and wish I could offer more advice.

Another strategy that I have found helpful (besides MoN's very good advice);

stop making STATEMENTS to those you are advocating with. Start asking questions, instead.


What do I mean by this? Let me add a few key samples of questions that I've actually used successfully, and then I'll explain why I think this strategy works.

• What do you mean by that?
• Can you explain _______?
• I'd like to know why you feel that way-- can you tell me what led to that conclusion?
• Why not? (as a genuine question, seeking an explanation-- not as a challenge)

This puts the burden of proof on the other person to prove that THEY are correct. Also, if you can school yourself emotionally to be polite but only professionally interested, as it were (and yes, this is VERY challenging), you can continue pressing with questions until the person realizes that their logic doesn't apply, or that their assumptions are incorrect. Only offer information as it is asked for. So instead of OFFERING "my child's FSIQ is..." wait until you have heard a set of explanations, press gently with "What range of abilities would you say that you've seen?" and maybe even, "Can you be specific so that I understand better?" before placing your child's data into THEIR context-- rather than yours.

Secondarily, from a communications standpoint, it is 'softer' as an approach, and few authority figures like being "told" anything. Let them discover it instead-- you just have to ask the right questions to get them there.

I agree with mon. Instead of saying "my son has special needs," I would be as specific as possible with what you think the needs are that are not being met and with suggestions for what things you think would go towards meeting those needs. For instance, you could say that you have ability and achievemnt testing that says he is quite a bit above grade level and request that he be given end-of-year testing for the next few grades up. Then, have a plan as to what you want them to do. Different materials in the regular classroom? Subject acceleration in x,y,z subjects? Whole grade acceleration? IOW, focus them on your DS's needs and give them solutions so they don't have to think too much.

And, like mon says, it's always helpful to direct the school personnel to your child's emotional reactions to schoolilng and what your DS says to you about what he's feeling about school. Schools, in general, are all about your child's emotional well-being (usually much more than his academic needs) and if you can provide reports that your DS himself is asking for more then you come off less like a pushy parent and more like a parent merely trying to advocate.

ITA with mnmom23's post (as well as the other posts above). I also find it helpful to respond to comments such as "we have several children who are (whatever)" with "I'm not here to talk about the other children, I am here to discuss my ds' needs."

The other thing I'll add - you've been advocating for subject acceleration etc at this school for quite awhile and seem to continually run up against brick walls. When this happens it's possible that changing up your advocacy approach could help, but it's also possible you've hit THE brick wall and the school isn't going to flex no matter how you approach advocacy. When we were in the situation you are in now, we eventually switched schools - and after making that switch I *really* wished I'd spent less time trying to make the first school work. I don't know if that's the point you're truly at yet, but if you are feeling like you are spending tons of effort advocating and getting nowhere, that's a sign that maybe it's time to look into alternative school options.

Best wishes,

polarbear

sad, but totally true.

for a long time, i couldn't understand how the teachers/ administration at DD5's old school couldn't recognize the problems (depression/wanting to quit school) but eventually i clued in: they couldn't afford to even admit there was a problem because they might have to do something. so yeah - i heard a lot of "oh, don't worry, we have a lot of kids who are way ahead of their grade," and "oh, well, school is hard, you know? it's not reasonable to expect her to be happy here all the time."

uhhhh, how about SOME of the time, then? can we aim for that? (apparently not.)

so i have all the empathy in the world for you, somewhereonearth - that stuff starts to make you feel crazy after a while.

As usual, you have all offered such great advice! What would I do without you all?!

I have gotten a couple of phone calls from the administration just in the last few days as they are "working" on our situation. They have all sorts of promises for September. I will see what they really can produce for September. In the meantime, I am checking out other schools FOR this fall.

I DO feel crazy sometimes! They keep knocking him down and telling me now, "we have LOTS of kids at his level".

I do wish we could make it work at this school. It's rather small and nurturing and has a lot of great qualities. But, I doesn't look promising.

HowlerKarma, EXCELLENT idea! To ask questions instead of making statements. I will bring that with me into the coming school year!