Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy How Would You Handle This?

DS7 is a DYS and globally gifted. He announced to a pediatric specialist, the physician assistant, four nurses, and the receptionist that the visit "was a waste because it cost about 50 bucks and all we did was have a 10 minute conversation." I apologized to the doctor and told him that he was very much appreciated and I didn't share my son's point of view. I could not get my son to stop at the time; he repeated the comment when the doctor said, "what" because he didn't quite understand him at first. Much later, I discussed why I valued the physician, how much he's helped us, and why sometimes just checking in with this specialist when well is necessary to ensure everything is indeed okay and to be able to access him when necessary. My son understood, but also asked if I didn't think it was a little bit funny, too. (Yes. in 20 years after I finished dying of mortification.)

This isn't the only time my son has done such a thing. He recently told his speech therapist that she wasn't doing a very good job with an infant she sees right before him because the barely toddling infant could only say hi "after all this time she has worked with him."

How do you handle these types of comments? What would you do?

Listen to him. Maybe he has a point.

Um-- I'd tell him that it is rude/presumptuous, and why. Who HASN'T thought something along those lines? The difference is that most people have the social grace not to SAY it.

If he insists that he should not need to regulate his speech so that he doesn't SAY all of the things that he THINKS, he is going to be treated accordingly by people who have witnessed the behavior. That's the consequence of not keeping your mouth shut, basically, when you don't have anything nice-- or at least USEFUL-- to say. It's also a consequence of not respecting (or at least being wary if you don't understand) the social constraints that govern particular relationships. (Doctor-patient, Parent-child, Teacher-student, Boss-subordinate.) There is a reason why Confucianism had pretty rigid expectations there.

What does he feel that his commentary accomplished? He is basically thinking that he knows well enough to critique the job performance of professional adults, correct? In other words, at 7, all he knows is that he is smarter than most people, and he has (wrongly, as it happens) concluded that it means he knows more about pretty much everything than most people.

Those people work pretty hard to be hearing it from a 7yo who-- no matter how intelligent-- lacks germane life experience. His cognitive abilities do NOT render him judge and jury of all humanity. He doesn't know the full picture because of that lack of life experience as an adult; smarter not to make snap judgments on the basis of data he doesn't possess. I might even point out that a truly WISE person knows enough to know that there are things that they don't know-- and that some of those things probably matter. That's why it's often better to bite one's tongue when a flippant or arrogant remark comes to mind. (Not that I know about that... )

The sooner he learns that lesson, the better off he'll be. I think that it sounds (judging from his responses to your very gentle redirection thus far) as though it is time to be a little more blunt about that point.



My answer to this kind of thing with my own child-- at ages younger than yours, btw:

Why? Do you think that {person targeted by comments} found it amusing? How do you think you would have felt if you had been him/her?

Validate his grievance privately. Foster appreciation for grace and discretion in public. Waiting extended periods for scheduled appointments is unacceptable, though symptomatic of systemic shortfalls. Without advanced medical degrees and practice experience it is necessary sometimes to seek out and wait for professional guidance. Inconvenience can be weighed against the benefits. Also, maybe a conversation about expectations and differences in peoples' progress and response to therapies being similar to peoples' progress and response to [schooling, socializing..].
I believe strongly in having a "safe complaining zone," whether it be the car or a room in the house for these comments. Sometimes we all need to express our negativity to get through it - though I agree that it not be encouraged within inappropriate settings.
Do you believe that he is staging through recognizing and crusading cultural/ systemic "injustices"? seeking attention? parroting aspects of observed young middle school humor (rousing authority)?

Oh MoN, your response is brilliant, but I have to say it brought to mind my youngest, as an 18 month old or so, firmly saying "Goodbye!" or "You go home now!" and turning her back on people she had previously been willing to communicate with....

Unfortunately, through a series of bad experiences with pediatricians and family doctors, I have lost a lot of respect for these folks. All five of us have had instances where conditions went undiagnosed or untreated even when we specifically pointed out exactly what the ailment was. Eventually, many visits later, the doctors agreed that treatment was needed. (These are physical ailments with obvious symptoms - not therapy where it may take more time to see results.)

Yes, he needs to learn that you can't say stuff like this, especially when you are young and don't have the life experience to make judgments. However, if any other profession made clients wait for hours, spend a couple of minutes with them, charge large amounts, and frequently fail to use common sense, they would be out of business. We have seen some great specialists though, and I understand that part of the general practitioner issue is following the generally accepted guidelines to avoid legal action. End of rant (maybe). I understand where the kid is coming from though.

I don't think he understands BEFORE he speaks that what he is saying is really inappropriate and rude. I think he understands it afterwards. I love the idea of asking him to re-phrase it as a question.

Why is he making these comments? He has started wanting to converse, and is conversing with many adults. Many of these conversations are admirable. I'm impressed by his confident, long, "mature" conversation with adults, many times, ones he doesn't even know. I think his comments to the doctor/staff and speech therapist were partly outgrowths of this, just instances where he grossly missed the mark on appropriateness.

He also does have an older kids sense of humor, so the references to "middle school" humor may be part of it, where he thought he was being funny.

I have no problem with him sharing these thoughts and speaking his mind with me alone, and welcome that. We do talk frequently about people's judgments/perceptions if we use swear words (at least here.)

I don't view his intent as being more malicious than, at worse, "middle school humor."

That definitely sounds like something my DS would say, or would have said at that age, at the very least! He didn't come with filters, and installing them after-market takes years and years.

We have had many conversations about thinking before you speak, and how it's not necessary to say everything that pops into your head. We're still working on that one at 10, actually -- he goes off on a rant about something, and when I tell him it's not necessary to say something just because you think it, he says, in all beguiling innocence, "you don't want me to LIE, do you?" No, I want you to not say anything at all, kid! Or I want you to find something truthful that you CAN say. And yes, if you want to rant about it in private to me, please feel free.

My now 3.3 years old DS on a very consistent basis greeted his Early Intervention specialist with the words "Bye Bye! Go away!" every single week ever since he learned to say them.

Also, DS4.10, while being a very polite child overall tends to be very "honest" and respects people to act correctly so when an unknown man held the door for us (while I was pushing a stroller through with the younger one), I in the end said to him "thank you!" ... DS4.10 called after the poor man "Now you're supposed to say YOU'RE WELCOME!" I felt like burying my head into the sand! lol It DS's personality 100%. He understands the concept of politeness and rudeness but he is also very big into fairness, honesty and things making sense. So I could very well see him in a few years saying that something was a waste of time straight into the person's face. The problem is, people laugh when it comes from the mouth of a 4 year old, not so much when it's an older child.

I have this issue with DS3.5. He is very concerned about people following the rules and will state loudly "You are not allowed to...." Insert many different scenarios. He does this to children and adults. Embarrassing to say the least even though he is usually correct.

I would for sure talk to your DS about thinking before he talks and let him know that whatever the situation he is free to express his thoughts and dislikes when you are alone in the car.

I really feel the importance to instill respect for people in my kids even though sometimes the adult deserves what he is getting..:-)

It's a fine line though, isn't it - obviously we want politeness and respect for elders but we also want our kids to be able to speak up when they're in a situation where things aren't right. It comes down to life experience for them to be able to tell which 'wrong' situations are to be protested and which you just let slide. While DS figures it out himself you're just going to have to keep telling him each time.
Surely if you any confidence in yourself as a professional you can handle the critique of a smartypants 8 year old - I would have been embarrassed too but slightly interested in their reaction as well to be honest

AvoCado, true. It is a fine line. But I think naturally, the ability to speak up will fall into place at an age when the "filters" are a bit more in place. I think we need to teach respect, especially with our very strong minded and a lot of times, "know it all" gifted kids.

Teaching the child right from wrong along with providing the opportunity to express their concerns to us. That way they can feel heard but also letting us use the momen as a teaching opportunity.

I love this line. I can't wait to try it out with my mother-in-law.

DS7 is 2E with Aspergers and completely lacks any registering of social hierarchy. He will correct ANYONE not because he is being mean or disrespectful but because, in his mind, if something is wrong it should be corrected. He will also states things similar to what your son did because he sees them as just a fact. With DS we work on an ongoing basis to explain social hierarchies to him and to explain why some things are best left unsaid or uncorrected.

I don't know what your son's background is but I would see this more as his limited understanding of the world than an outright show of disrespect. If you think about his perspective, it probably seems to him that the baby isn't getting much use out of the speech therapy-if she was then why wasn't she talking yet? And, as for the doctor's visit, I have certainly left doctor's appointments wondering if the visit had truly been worth my time and money so I wouldn't be surprised if my son wondered that at some point as well. The only difference is an understanding of what are largely unspoken rules of social order. These rules don't come naturally for some kids and that's where we have to step in and explain them.