Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school Lying & theory of mind

For the House MD fans, I feel a bit like Dr. House in the episode where Cutty's daughter lies about rehearsing preschool assessment activities to a preschool admissions officer. The episode ends with House mirthful at the thought that Cutty's daughter had the presence of mind to lie to get her (mother's) way.

Today at a well-child appointment, DS19mo was intent on exploring the examining rooms but was being stymied by yours truly. I had put him in a chair and was reading to him when he asked to get down to play with the doctor's mail delivery slot. I agreed. Once let down, he made a mad dash down the hall and into an examining room...the little sprite! I just hauled him back to the waiting room and explained why he needed to stay in the reception area. Cue twinkling, mischevious eyes.

He's been doing these sorts of bait-and-switch tactics since he was about 12 months old, albeit considerably more subtly. I'll admit I'm pleased at his developing theory of mind, but I want to ensure that I'm not reinforcing lying as acceptable. As a policy, lying never gets him what he wants, I have him apologize for lying when it happens, and we move on. DH and I also try to model total truthfness with one another and DS to maintain credibility (and just because it's the right thing to do). But, honestly, it's so hard not to laugh and encourage it tacitly.

What's your experience with this sort of behaviour? Do I sound like my approach is roughly on track to not raising a habitual manipulator?

I'm a bit envious you have a child that age that wasn't screaming in anticipation of the upcoming examination. (Read shots, ear-wax flush, etc.) DS' memory preceded him for every appointment and still does.

I'd say your DS is perceptive and knows you give permission for his forays into the unknown world...regardless of your VERBAL instruction otherwise. If you want to head off some of this, I'd suggest using physical restraint (e.g. you taking him around) in environments where his curiosity may possibly cause mayhem.

Has he noticed the blood pressure gauge yet?

So cute Aquinas! You bring back memories of sitting for hours and hours in a waiting room for my youngest to have a biopsy at a similar age. She was the only child in the room not quietly sitting and waiting. No she was alternating being curious about everything, or sitting on my knee bellowing about how thirsty and hungry she was and that she wanted a drink and food NOW (fasting for GA). I got a lot of looks.

Then she was absolutely delighted by all the pre op procedures and the operating theatre, climbed up on to the table herself (firmly in the "I do it myself" stage), ignored me in favour of following all doctors instructions, lay down, asked for a warm blanket and then turned her face into the gas mask to be put to sleep while they goggled at her quite amazed.

The waiting room experience was bizarrely reversed in recovery when all the other kids were distressed and freaked out and she was wheeled in to me, wide awake and calm, looked at me through the cot bars and hardly moving at all, said something like "Hi Mummy, have you got my lunch?". When I asked the nurses how she'd been waking up they looked at me strange and said "She woke up like this, she's been just like this..." She sat up and ate her lunch, chatting away with me, and went home...

Ametrine, every piece of equipment has been examined as much as possible.

I think you're astute to say he perceives my amusement, and I'll have to be vigilant about what I reveal of my inner thought process. I have a terrible poker face, though! My only real recourse today was restraint after he took off at Mach 1. I tend to reserve that as a last resort tactic because:

A) Where possible, I'd like to foster self-discipline and responsiveness to verbal guidance
B) The boy moves like a gyroscope!
C) He has a real independent streak and becomes quite pig-headed (that trait is X-linked in our family) when coerced.

DS loves his doctor and enjoys being a ham with her. He's never been one to balk too much at innoculations, though the 5-in-1 vaccines tend to upset him. He was in great spirits until I mentioned the injection rigt before it happened...

MumofThree, your daughter's a hoot! We were a total spectacle, too-- reading, making up games, and going on a scavenger hunt while we waited.

A mother of a 20-month old boy openly commented on how verbal DS is. I engaged her son, included him in our story telling, and he started chatting- she was flabbergasted! The poor boy was just bored stiff.

She's a funny girl. And she knows it too. Though oddly I always struggle to find appropriate moments to add to the threads about the things our kids do.

I'm glad you contributed your story here. Those kinds of moments are adorable and definitely worth sharing.

Mana, as always, thanks for your thoughts. The early years really do fly by, which is one of the (many) reasons I'm grateful to be a SAHM.

I'm generally of the mind that parents are facilitators between their children and the outside world, finding ways to creatively say yes. About 95% of the time we're in an environment that allows free exploration, so DS can have carte blanche. Another 4% of the time a simple redirection or gentle guidance does the trick to keep him behaving within the bounds of decorum. The other 1% of the time, I need to impose my will on him. In my mind, I'm trying to evaluate whether today's example, which I'd classify as a 4% moment, merits 1% moment intervention. I'm thinking probably not. Oh, asynchrony!

In hindsight, I believe I could have found a more creative solution that would have enabled some degree of controlled exploration before he fibbed, like holding his hand and going with him, or doing quick bursts of exploration of the open examining rooms between periods of waiting in the reception area.

I'm definitely prone to over-analysis, as you can see. Thanks, everyone, for being such excellent parenting consiglieres.

Aquinas I always found holding my middle child upside down by her ankles behind my back and pretending I'd lost her (prolonged conversations with DH about what he might have done wih her and how he could have lost her again already) quite effective at keeping her entertained and restrained in boring public places. I looked like a freak but she thought it was hilarious for at least a year.

She could tolerate prolonged periods upside down like that. And she loved the process of being tossed over my shoulder or swung back around under my armpit afterwards.