Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy How to stop comparisons to pg by other g parents?

I had a couple of parents ask how I got my son reading at age 2-1/2. I did a couple of things that are nice for kids of any ability. I created a print-rich environment and got a copy of Jim Trelease's Read-Aloud Handbook and did what it said.

But in the end, with my son, he just started reading when I started reading and I didn't make it happen any sooner than it was going to. I remember one brief moment of feeling sad (?) when I knew he could decode whole sentences without help from me and he wouldn't need phonics help.

I volunteer in son's first grade class during reading and writing. I am quietly amazed by all the different reading levels and the kids who need sound by sound support for the same words one or two pages later.

Yes, I did the same thing - have a print-rich environment.

My ds7 is 2e and was born with some severe special needs. I've actually had the child with global developmental delays (feeding, fine, gross, speech, vision, etc). I know how mothers feel with a child who can't do something 90%+ children can do.

He was in special needs for 5 years until I withdrew him and put him in a private gifted school. Within 2 1/2 months, I was told my ds7 was possibly pg and the gifted school could no longer accommodate him (no one mentioned that part about the gifted schools...sigh). Next gifted school said something similar and ds lasted a little over a year. I'm homeschooling/unschooling this year as a result.

I'm in the middle of reading Teach Your Children Well. I like the term cruise or camp director for the parents who want to provide umpteen extracurricular activities. These parents follow a calendar of activities that would challenge a cruise director. They tend to have a pervasive sense that one is not doing enough unless they are scheduled up the kazoo with activities (usually adult-directed) and enough academic rigor.

Every grade, every interest, every activity, every pursuit is a step toward or away from academic success, it seems with the cruise directors. Everything is externally driven and externally motivated.

What's ironic (and interesting) is that internal motivation is highly correlated with higher academic success and lower levels of emotional distress. The driver of lifelong learning, curiosity, persistence, and engagement with material stems from internal motivation as well. Unstructured play provides the greatest opportunities for kids to be curious, creative, and spontaneous - not the life created by the cruise director or adult-directions.

My ds7 like many pg kids is motivated more by an internal mechanism than an external one. And yet, he is born with hypotonia (low muscle tone) and dyspraxia (motor planning) and does not know how to tie shoes, for instance. Too many steps for him.

Next time I run into this cruise director mother or another parent, I'll have some questions and comments for the ready:

1) My son struggles with effort and persistence at times. How do you address it? Does your son/daughter know how to tie their shoes, swim, or ride a bike without training wheels (all of which involve motor planning!)?
2) What does your son/daughter find so exciting or engaging about x, y, or z?
3) How are you working on character building and caring for others? How do you rein in their impulsivity/ self-control?
4) How are you addressing unstructured play? How much time do you give it and what does your child do? I find my child is better with far less, then more (of toys, activities, etc.). Far less meltdowns too (thought I'd mention).
5) How do you encourage opportunities to try, fail, and pick yourself up again? I don't like failure either, but it is part and parcel of life. Yes, we've got perfectionists in our household/family too. Still, I'd rather have ds7 fail at something in elementary school age stuff than as a twenty-something adult.
6) How do you know how much to push and when to back off? How do your admire their tenacity and their willingness to experiment?

By the way, what do you do for fun?

Hi. I am not sure I agree with your assessment of her daughter. The only reason I say this is because PG can be measured in different ways. I have two sons that are both PG, but they are VASTLY different in their giftedness. My DS9 is a lego master that can build entire cities to scale with random legos. My DS6 would probably just come and knock the things down..lol. But he'll explain complex math theories to you like he's reading a cereal box. They are totally different kids with completely different PGness. Maybe her daughter is PG, but just in a different way? Neither of you should be comparing your children because after all, they are different kids entirely.

I didn't even realize our younger son was PG until later in his life when he started spouting out mathematical solutions that were beyond even my own comprehension. But it took him the ability to really understand language before he could show us his stuff, so to speak. My older son was putting together lego sets for 9-14 yo's at age 18 months, so we had a clue early on. Again, younger son and legos do not mix. So, we just thought all PG kids had the lego thing going out. But they don't. And your child and her child could be on the same level but just with different talents. Every one is unique. You can start by telling her that.

Although parents like this exist, I find it simply doesn't work to categorize parents into boxes - life isn't as simple as that. I'm sure if you looked at two of my children's schedules it would be easy to put me into the "cruise director" category - particularly my youngest dd. But it's not about me driving her to be successful (and especially not about me forcing external motivation or hoping she'll be some amazing prodigy)... it's completely driven *by her* and she's been lucky enough to be in a family where we can make those things that give *her* pleasure happen for her. She simply loves lots of things - and when she likes something, she likes it full-on all-out *and* she asks for lessons. She's had outside-of-school lessons every day of the week except Sunday since she was in first grade - not because we as her parents are trying to push her, but because she begs for them. And she's good at a lot of what she does - but not because she's a prodigy, but because she practices and works at it and most of all *loves* it. She is bored with downtime, and she also has a lot of anxiety in her life due to PTSD. Keeping her busy with extracurriculars keeps *her* sane and happy. Our ds is not anywhere nearly as driven, but he also functions best when he has a schedule and we can give him outside activities to participate in - in his case it's all about his intelligence - he's not getting what he needs for intellectual challenge at school and we are filling it in where we can in areas of his interests outside of school. Part of that includes taking online classes. If you met him, and didn't spend the time to really get to know him, I'm sure there's nothing that would scream out at you saying "Hey! This kid is EG!!! He needs intellectual stimulation!!!"... but as his parent, I know that he is and I know what his needs are and I know how to fill them in (usually!). But if you looked in from the outside at these two kids, it might be easy to think I was a "cruise director" mom.

BUT - if you are perhaps thinking I *am* a cruise director mom... I also have a middle dd who does not like extracurriculars, likes lots of downtime and isn't winning any highly gifted races. She spends tons of downtime just playing on her own and with friends, she is highly creative, and also, um, not terribly motivated. I suspect she'll find motivation in her own time. But just as some kids who are pushed to the extreme to accomplish things aren't going to develop intrinsic motivation... I suspect there are also kids who are parented completely the opposite of cruise director moms who also don't develop internal motivation - at least not while they are children

OK, enough rambling from me

Best wishes,

polarbear

I understand this girl may or may not be pg and that it may be presumptuous for me to say so. Yes, she may be a late bloomer. That's true.

There is an assumption by some that 'giftedness' is not an innate trait/characteristic but is gained or developed through proper education or parenting. UK parents face similar issues based on Child Genius (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/...is-a-genius-and-it-isnt-always-easy.html)

I realize that there are parents with children who are pulling them for the intellectual stimulation or activities, but there's a difference between them and those children who are put in the intellectually stimulating or other activities because they parents think it will give them a competitive edge in school or life - not because the child has an interest or likes an activity.

Some parents are anxious to let their children get bored or to let their children have free or unoccupied time. Other parents think children will not gain valuable musical training, for instance, if they do not start before a certain time. They think it's never too early to start anything. I've had parents tell me these things and I've since read about these parents too.

Perhaps this hyperparenting that I've encountered is worse in places NYC and MA where competition can be fierce for jobs, housing, slots at school or university, or even nursery school. I don't know. I do know, though, that I'm not the only one who has noticed it and commented on it. Many parents are plagued with worry that they are not doing enough today.

I personally believe it is important to expose young kids to various activities etc, so they can find what it is that they really enjoy and perhaps are also good at.

I have friends who have kids in so many activities, they can barely keep them straight, and arranging playdates is tough. but if the kids are happy and thriving with all the extra activites, I think that is what is important.

I have no problem about cruise director parents or whatever name you want to call it, IF it is what the kid wants like polarbear described her one dtr.

I cringe when the kid is begging not to go, would rather do a different activity etc. or just stay home and have free time to explore their own creativity--- also what it sounds like polarbear does for her middle dtr? ((which yes does prove that polar is treating each childs needs individually as is I think very important ))

fwit, my own DS has a love of art- acrylics to be exact. so he enjoys art camp that is nothing but art. lunch time to ea but no breaks on playground to play tag or slide. just art. he thrives. so this is his major summer thing. aside from this, he loves to just sorta be "free" to do whatever he wants, maybe read, or create something, just play alone within his own imagination, he loves all that. he also enjoys playing with friends.

DS also begs me to do martial arts, but I can't afford it...
*I will be "forcing" DS to take swimming lessons. a needed necessity for socal living= interesting DS loves the water, but refuses lessons!

Interesting dilemma. The discomfort people feel toward highly gifted children also occurs among teachers as well. My oldest was in a pull-out math class back in 3rd grade, and the gifted support teacher "complained" that he was "making the other gifted kids feel bad because he would finish the work so quickly and then need more to do." So glad when he was able to move on from that.

This may be a good indication that a parent is looking for a discussion forum? Here a parent may find helpful tips regardless of their child's LOG.

I might try discussing with her that gifted children are individuals. Even if her daughter were PG the chances that she would have the same interest, strengths or developmental pattern as your son would be minimal. Also, tell her you respect your sons privacy and part of that respect is that you do not discuss him or his educational progress with others. If this does not work I would just ignore/avoid her because she is obviously unable to respect boundaries!