Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy How to stop comparisons to pg by other g parents?

How can I stop other gifted parents from making comparisons between my pg ds7 to other gifted children? I've been getting into some awkward situations and would like some tips on what to say or do with some other parents who insist on making comparisons to him with their gifted kids who are being homeschooled too.

I'm homeschooling my ds7, an only child. He's working on a 6th grade curriculum and reading adult/college books on the Mesoamerican civilizations. He's been tested. I'm in the process of having him re-tested again due to his rapid accelerations and applying for DYS. He's been in two private gifted schools; neither one of the them could accommodate him. The first private gifted school believed he was pg.

I try very hard to avoid discussing ds's rapid acceleration or pgness in public or with other gifted parents who homeschool too. I usually stay mute or nod/laugh/shake my head. I try to say as little as possible. However, there's one parent who keeps bugging me and really persisting in interrogating me on what DS is doing academically. Her dd is about 10 months younger than my DS. Her dd is gifted, but not PG. She hasn't been tested or taken the same edu route as DS, but I do know she's reading at about 3rd grade level.

DD's mother seems to think she's in control of making her DD pg or that there's some magic potion formula or something, which remains elusive to her. She's like a Tiger Mom. I said that she shouldn't make comparisons between my son and her daughter and that her daughter will make the leaps with math and reading and move beyond the obsession with fairies when she's ready. This seems to fall on deaf ears.

How do you deal with these other parents and in these situations? I'm guess I'm looking for something quick and glib to say. I keep struggling to find the right words or actions on what to do. Pass the bean dip doesn't seem to cut it.

I wonder what would happen if you developed a power point presentation with graphics showing the inherent superiority on all relevant metrics of your DS when compared to her dd at that age?

That would certainly answer her question.

Maybe then she will leave you alone.

I would also think that the Egyptian civilization would be more interesting than meso-American civilizations, but that's just my personal bias as an amateur meta-historian.

(Granted, I was always a fan of comparisons growing up. And I should note that I suffered no ego damage when presented with someone who was profoundly more intelligent than I was. Although his brother caused me some minor embarrassment at one point professionally, but that was my fault.)

cdfox, unless this is someone who is important to you in some other way in your life, is it really necessary to continue a relationship? I've run into parents like this in a few different types of situations - not only with comparisons of levels of giftedness or academic achievement. Usually the people I've had this issue with are insecure in themselves (at least that's how it seems to me). There hasn't been anything I could do to change who they are, so instead I simply try to focus on including the people who I care about in my circle of life and ignoring people who are annoying to be around.

If she's someone who you care about and want to help in some way, I think I'd simply head off any further questions or conversations about this by suggesting to her that your recommendation is for her to have her dd tested - that will give her guidance in her dd's strengths and weaknesses and help her put together a homeschool program direction that will maximize her dd's achievement. I'd leave it at that, and change the subject when she asks questions about your ds. If she wants to hang out with you and you like hanging out with her, focus on going someplace interesting and interactive for your kids. You can also switch conversations from reading levels etc by bringing up interesting videos you've watched or places you've visited or hikes you've taken - things that will spark the creativity or imagination or capture the intellectual interest of any child. And if none of that works and you still want to hang with her and she's still making comparisons, be flat-out honest - let her know that you don't want to discuss your ds' homeschooling with her. You don't have to bring levels of giftedness into it, just be honest - you'd rather talk about other things.

Hang in there!

polarbear

In response to the aforementioned question, i get the impression these "tiger moms" are "living" via their gifted daughters/sons. That is, their success as a gifted individual serves as a conduit to feelings of satisfaction and fulfillment--especially if the parent's lifestyle is less than satisfying. I would not worry about these situations; these overly-competitive mothers and fathers are simply comparing when they should instead focus on the needs of the children. These sound more like insecurities needing resolution within the parents.

Thanks, thanks, thanks!

JonLaw - yes, I agree about Ancient Egypt . I thought my DS would spend a longer time than he did with that civilization but we quickly went on to the Olmecs, Mayans, Aztecs, Incas, Toltecs, Zapotecs, etc.

I've never been a fan of comparison with my siblings or cousins, but then I'm a middle child of three. Then again, we weren't exactly comparable. I didn't have the STEM background for the comparisons to the brainiacs/eg/pgs in the family either and I'm nothing like my older Aspie sister or younger brother.

Polarbear - Well, I would avoid her if I could and try to do. However, our kids are friends and we often bump into each other at various local homeschooling events, places, etc. At those times, like yesterday, she seems to pigeonhole me into a corner and awkward situation. It then seems to become a matter of diplomacy.

Yes, I agree that this person is insecure in themselves. Of course, videos are a good suggestion and a way to veer off in another discussion. I know this might seem dumb, but I didn't think of it. I just kind of go into a panic and withdraw when people start interrogating me about Ds's pg or academic situation.

I think heading off a discussion with comments with testing is another good suggestion.

Bingo, QT3.

But... in parenting circles, not handling this type well can turn around to bite you, too-- because all the other competitive parents would also just love to know about your PG child in greater detail so that they could hate you both, too.

{sigh}

I try to gently steer AWAY from my DD, often by recalling what it was like to get my own 2yo off of some thing she was determined to get into and shouldn't for her own good.

Yes, that is patronizing, but honestly, it gives me the patience to smile and say for the tenth time in twenty minutes... Ohhh, she's doing fine/her thing/you know/etc. (vague info)

I try to get them talking about THEIR child-- and to be complimentary and interested.

Sometimes I'll make a pointed comment about kids all following their own schedule, etc.

I've also gone so far as to point out that having DD means that NO school actually knows what to do with her-- and that we'd LOVE to have a child that was so successful in school, shouldn't compare to DD (the 'freak of nature' monologue, I call that).


Sometimes I'll take the passive aggressive but humor-driven approach.

"When your elementary-aged child squeals with delight over used college textbooks and disappears into her room for the next three days... and just grins for a few minutes over 'Disneyland' you know you have a bit of a problem..."

I kind of embrace the "my kid is a freak" persona in situations like this. It's not lying, exactly, but it is selective for me to point out the downsides to having a PG kiddo while downplaying the really cool aspects.

Is it possible this parent is a poor conversationalist, and thinks this is a good topic because she thinks it is what you/your kids have in common? Or maybe she is just really looking for an opening to brag about her own daughter's accomplishments/acceleration? Either way... I guess I would not have had any qualms about saying that your son is very interested at the moment in Mesoamerican civiliations, and you are just trying to keep feeding him appropriate textbooks and information to satisfy him in that area. Then turn it around and ask what her little girl is working on these days. And turn the conversation to the unusual ingredient in the bean dip if you have to. I never really felt like I had to keep my D's interests secret. She was into entomology, Lord of the Rings, and wildlife biology when none of her peers were... but if someone asked, I would say those things.

If someone asked my kid's test results or reading level, I would say, "Oh, we really don't share that info." Then ask them a question about their own kid.

You could just tell her where your son is at. Yes she might get snarky and weird, but she'd likely leave it alone after that.

(It's not like you've been engaging in an ongoing one-upping race - she's the one who is persisting in getting this info).

Of course it's none of her business, but hearing it might tame the tiger mom - reality check, so to speak. Kids are just at different levels - period. Not better or worse, but individual.

I avoid talking about what my DD is doing ... I smile and nod a lot.

I go for generics - no specifics about levels or subjects - but if someone asks for specifics it really depends on the vibe I am getting. I have sometimes been too comfortable with friends and said too much, just that one extra thing that even friends will look at me like I am either bragging or insane. But that's rare with friends who really know my DS7. Strangers and acquaintances I am much more reticent because I always feel their interest is akin to WHAT is that, the way you might notice something odd on the floor.

DeHe