Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Middle School Extreme anxiety about puberty/sexuality

I have a highly gifted son who's starting middle school next year.
He has had to take several human growth and development classes over the last couple of years and his reactions are throwing me off something awful.
He has always been sensitive and emotional and thinks body functions are "disgusting" ..people are gross and things like armpit hair and the idea of growing pubic hair completely causes him to break down.
His reactions to having to take these classes have run the gamut from mild dismay and resistance to full blown hyperventilating when discussiong the topic of that days lesson at home. The topic was ejaculation. He completely lost it.
I have no idea how to deal with this .
He loses it when I try to explain that its normal to grow up, its normal to develop its impossible NOT too.
I'm ready to find this kid a therapist.
Is this normal for.gifted children to be so resistant to the idea of growing up?
I should state also that I'm wondering if its a gender identity issue because he is def a little on the dramatic flamboyant side.
He identifies more with females and does not seem to have many close friends who are male.
He does not seen to have an interest in either sex but I sometimes wonder if its the idea of becoming more masculine that bothers him???
Need some help here.

My DD10 is very resistant to reaching puberty. There are girls in her class who want to be teens and who look forward to it, but my DD is fighting even becoming a tween, lol.

I think they're just more sensitive overall, and affected by the things that happen to them, plus I'm sure the idea of such a big change is very anxiety provoking (whereas a typical kid wouldn't be as affected). Plus I think typical kids are more inclined to want to follow the herd, whereas G kids are more independent.

I have no advice... I'm just along for the ride

I don't have any advice.

In fact, I recall specifically not caring about puberty at all.

I never wanted to grow up, and I specifically remember being confused at what people would do if they weren't playing with toys, but I'm change resistant and stubborn.

That being said, I started becoming extremely interested in girls beginning at about 7 years old (first grade, I specifically recall), so that was a non-issue for me.

Although, I think at one point my father thought that I was gay because I never actually pursued girls. Well, duh, it wasn't like I'd been that successful before I hit puberty, so I was pretty much tired of the rejection at that point.

hi nikki b! removed from the emotional context, i STILL find most of this stuff totally hilarious/gross - and i'm 40 years old!

i'm not sure - you may have tried this already... but there are some great books out there for kids on the subject, and what i've found with my kid (albeit she's 5) is that just leaving books around on her shelf has sparked a lot of terrific conversations about this kind of thing. we have both medical texts and the ones aimed at pre-teens that discuss all the weird and messy feelings (she hasn't picked those up yet, but they're waiting for her!) you could probably slip the books onto his shelf without comment - he'll find them for sure. and while your DS may not feel comfortable reading/sharing with you - teen/pre-teens are such secretive beasts! - the ability to do a little research on his own might help make him more comfortable with the whole idea.

if you're wondering about the sexuality issues - finding a friendly, modern book that also includes this kind of information in a clear and matter-of-fact way would really help. if this is indeed at the root of his concerns, finding himself on the page may go a long way.

best of luck!!

that is amazingly interesting! my kid (5) has recently become obsessed with gender stereotypes - it's really bothering her that the world is divided this way. we've always worked hard not to impose the stereotypes on her, but she's really taken off in her exploration of this issue. how cool that it's "a thing!" thanks so much, MoN!

Thanks for sharing that MoN.

DD definitely preferred the androgyny of childhood to the emergent sexuality of adolescence.

Add in physical asynchrony and the fact that she LOATHES feeling "dumb/slow" and it's really a nasty set of emotional problems.

Add in being a GIRL... and awareness of social inequities like wage disparity, plus sensory issues that make a lot of things "icky" and whoahhhhh... she so DOES NOT want to be a young woman some of the time. Other of the time (Ha-- I'm leaving that one... funny) she likes to wear skirts and cute, girly sweaters, nail polish and eyeshadow. She has no idea what her actual sexual orientation is at this point, and we've done a pretty good job communicating that it is what it is, and that it is up to her to figure it out, and that in any case, she has a LONG time before she needs to "know" what it is.

We've used books, gentle child-led discussions, and matter of fact statements "No, I'm sorry-- but you need to wear a REAL bra, dear..." offered calmly and without a lot of emotion.

One more thought here-- don't underestimate the impact of the loss of control that puberty imposes on a HG+ child. This is the thing that bothers my DD the most, I think-- being unable to say "no" about her body's new needs/changes. You don't get to "choose" when you menstruate, or what you dream about, etc. Bummer, that, speaking as someone with a high need for autonomy.

Are you yourself familiar with trans* issues? If not, it wouldn't do any harm to read up on them yourself, and have the odd gentle conversation with him, just so he knows that accepting the gender binary and the sex he was assigned at birth is not the only option. Here's a good starting point. You may well, of course, find that he's actually completely sure he's male, but even if so, you might find the conversations were useful in terms of discussing how people fit into society and acceptance of individual difference and I-love-you-however-you-grow-up and all that.

FWIW my DS is at 9 quite anxious about growing up, although puberty isn't really on his radar yet and what concerns him is the need to earn his own living, live independently etc. I think it is a consequence of being a deep thinker; he can get a good picture of what you have to be able to do as an adult, but he nevertheless finds it very hard to imagine being about to do it!

Frankly, this could just be not wanting to talk about something like this with his mother - he is on the verge of teenhood too, right?