Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy how to talk about your gifted kid

I will add that I do not hang out with a braggy group. Some of my friends' kids are pretty athletic, I think, but in most cases I am unclear what the actual level of skill is because they aren't really talking about it. No one EVER brags to me about academics and their kid, although I think my child sort of holds the "nerd" title in my group of friends. You know, the only thing I see people crowing about is the # of 5Ks their kids run, their kids wanting to run with them, etc. Every once in a while people get excited about a book their kid is reading, I guess.

Yeah-- I would share any of those things, but I would not share any of them with EVERYONE I know.

If that makes sense. LOL. The thing with the PSAT scores probably feels more artificial/odd to parents of younger kids because it's not part of the regular parenting landscape for y'all-- yet.

But in our group of friends/acquaintances who have high school aged kids? That kind of conversation is quite normative. Where are kids are looking at college, what majors, scholarship stuff, SAT/ACT scores, etc. ALL of that is common in conversations about kids. Sports and internships, etc.

While there is truth to the notion that test scores are about aptitude, believe me, even the most capable kids want to do their best on stuff they get no second chances on. So even a kid like mine takes the time to run through a few practice tests and tweak her approach on anything that seems to be any kind of systemic problem. So there is hard work/personal effort involved. It's more than eye color... it's also about the skilful selection of clothing and accessories that makes the most of what you have.

It makes more sense when you get there.

What I don't do-- other than between DH and myself-- is tack on the smarmy, insufferable "and remember, she's only thirteen!! " with or without the fist pump, that's just rude. LOL. Besides, that part of things IS about innate development, not anything that's she has 'earned' through her own hard work or ours, YK? That one really is like eye color or physical attractiveness relative to some cultural ideal.

A very small fraction of the population earns a living through sports or music, but for many people, the level they reach in the occupational hierarchy is limited by IQ, so of course parents are more sensitive to even indirect information about the IQ of other children.

I really do not think this is true, nor do I believe most parents are sensitive to this. And, it very well could by a sport or fine art that becomes a child's passion that drives their academic success later. That is important, too. And, a child with a higher IQ could be lacking this.

I think that if one believes that the higher the IQ of a child the more successful in life they will be (i.e. their occupation,) then I bet that comes across in the way one interacts with other parents. Maybe they are sensitive to that.

Exactly, though this is TOTALLY what DS' grandparents and extended family do when we get together as a family. A 4:1 grandparent to only grandbaby ratio makes it inevitable...

Or any of the following:

Competence
Experience
Age
Geography
Phase of the economic cycle
Contemporaneous fiscal policy
SES
Family environment
Presence of mentors
Level and field of education
Attractiveness
Who they know
Like-ability
Height
Interest
Enthusiasm

The list goes on...

I respectfully request that we not let this conversation devolve into a defence of the argument that life is a deterministic function of IQ, because that sort of reasoning does little justice to this forum and has limited basis in reality.

Yes, arrogance/superiority pretty much never comes across as "friendly and approachable." I know that I don't like it either, even if other parents believe that it destines my child for "greatness." Honestly, the few times that someone has called my DD out like that, she and I both have just cringed. I don't like the implication in terms of placing very specific (maybe unrealistic?) external expectations on her young shoulders, and she doesn't like being held up as a "golden child" to her peers.

Psychological Science, a leading psychology journal, will soon publish an article finding that the highly gifted (as identified by the SET) are disproportionately likely to "rise to the top". People are sensitive about IQ because they rightly sense that it matters a lot.

http://pss.sagepub.com/content/early/2013/03/25/0956797612457784.full.pdf
Who Rises to the Top? Early Indicators
Harrison J. Kell, David Lubinski, and Camilla P. Benbow
Vanderbilt University
Abstract
Youth identified before age 13 (N = 320) as having profound mathematical or verbal reasoning abilities (top 1 in
10,000) were tracked for nearly three decades. Their awards and creative accomplishments by age 38, in combination
with specific details about their occupational responsibilities, illuminate the magnitude of their contribution and
professional stature. Many have been entrusted with obligations and resources for making critical decisions about
individual and organizational well-being. Their leadership positions in business, health care, law, the professoriate,
and STEM (science, technology, engineering, and mathematics) suggest that many are outstanding creators of modern
culture, constituting a precious human-capital resource. Identifying truly profound human potential, and forecasting
differential development within such populations, requires assessing multiple cognitive abilities and using atypical
measurement procedures. This study illustrates how ultimate criteria may be aggregated and longitudinally sequenced
to validate such measures.
Keywords
cognitive abilities, creativity, human capital, intelligence, profoundly gifted, STEM

When I'm in a social situation and a parent talks about their child's achievement, I smile and ask leading questions to keep them talking about that child. Invariably, I've found most don't ask me much because they are so busy talking up their child. When someone does ask, like others here have said, I use words like "busy", "loves to learn", "sensitive", etc. I don't give specifics. I learned not to do that when DS was three and reading random signs in the office of secretary at our insurance agent. She said, "You did that to him?!" in response to my sharing he knew all his letters and could count past 75 at two.

Since then, the only people (IRL) I've brought up my son's abilities with are his grandparents and his school, past and present, for the proper placement.

The grandparents are varying degrees of enthusiastic, and I share accordingly. The school people are on a need-to-know basis and I find they've generally been either incredulous, excited, subdued or a bit hostile. The hostility of his current teacher surprised me. Call me naive, but I really thought a teacher, of all people, wouldn't hold it against us for our son doing well.

I mostly talk to my few good friends who also have gifted kids. I can relate, my SIL is always posting on FB about her kids athletic achievements. But I feel uncomfortable stating my sons "gifts". Partly because I don't have anything particular to hang a hat on. DS14 doesn't participate in any academic competitions & doesn't get "perfect" grades.