Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Elementary School Mixed feelings - playing hardball with my daughter

Same song, different tune. My son got a young, sweet, inexperienced teacher this year. I sent a smart, educated, curious child to school. He became resistant to afterschool studying with me as the year progressed. I backed off completely, since who wants extra work after working at school, no matter what the level of the work.
I kept an open relationship with the school. I asked questions. I thought I knew what was going on. At first he didn't like school. I worked with him to get him to give it a chance. After sending him to school for half a year, after seeing his hard-earned skills regress like they say other kids do over the summer, after seeing his willingness and desire to learn new things greatly diminish, the teacher told me "your child's placement in my class is not working out. He doesn't do the work I give him to do. He just doesn't do it." Really? After half a year you tell me. MegMeg, here's where I sympathize with you. I think my kid should do what he's supposed to. I don't think it's up to a young child to decide if they want to do what they're supposed to. I want my child to know that the adults in charge of him are in charge of him.
My friends and family concluded that the teacher was tired of a mental tug of war with him that she kept losing. Now my five year has learned that the teachers at school can not actually make him work, his parents are clueless, and he can manipulate his teachers out of doing his work. I expected the work to be below his achievement level. The things I was told that he was supposed to be learning was the pace of school, and the routine. I expected the teachers to teach him how to do school.
So while you're conflicted over playing hard ball with your daughter, I'm conflicted that I now feel the need to play hard-ball with my son to correct the lesson he learned, but also with the school. I don't like the idea of saying that the sweet, truly caring teachers aren't giving my son the education he needs. I don't like this dilema very much.

I think you already hold the answer within. You know your child best.

I have two gifted DSs, each from a different marriage with 12 years between them. Even before he was in school, my oldest loved to do worksheets and extra things--and once he was in school, even during breaks.

My youngest, not at all. He didn't want any part of worksheets, nor any part of learning things he wasn't interested in. I worried initially because he was so obsessed with things that moved and didn't seem to be curious or interested in anything else. Because he was so different from my first experience, I didn't even realize he was gifted until the school alerted me. And then it took me years to realize how gifted. My youngest desperately needs his breaks, he needs down time to day dream and do silly things. I've learned when to push him, when to insist on high standards and when to back off.

You're aware of your DD's need to learn and at the same time her resistance. I imagine it won't be long before everything's in balance.

How awful. I hope you can find a way to help your DS flourish.

But the reason that it's a dilemma and not just a straightforward problem is that on the other hand are the arguements to just go with it, relax, let him mature, not to worry because he's smart he'll be fine. See? I guess quite a few parents of young kids have this same problem. The researched answer is, "gifted kids need authoratative parenting, not authoritarian, and not permissive." The mixed feelings come from the many facets that this advice could actually look like. Also, what about when it's the teacher? What about when it's the parent?

Good questions. We went too long with our youngest, allowing him to dictate the pace, partly because he's a perfectionist and uncomfortable with not knowing things. It was more important for him to get straight As than move ahead a grade in a subject. I think that has held him back in some ways. Or at least allowed him to remain "unseen." Now that we have more information, I'm going to be holding him to higher expectations and pushing him a little to challenge his comfort levels.

I really feel for this situation--both with the lack of communication from the (otherwise nice) teacher, and for the need to step in to try to help correct it, as unwelcome as that may be. I would however add that if you think stepping in and being authoritative with your kid is necessary in this situation--where they are blowing off school work--I would think seriously about doing it. We just spent a week with my nephew, who unfortunately is becoming actually an explosive child who blows up whenever he doesn't gets his way and as a result is now being homeschooled. A couple of years ago it seemed like he was just doing normal gifted kid stuff of pushing the envelope, testing the limits, etc., but his parents have really been 'soft' on this kind of behavior and unfortunately he has really run with it and it's not good for him or anyone else. I don't like everything that John Rosemond says--he's a little *too* hardball for me--but I think some of that approach could keep my nephew from becoming an even worse problem for himself. And he's 7, so there's time.

As to the OP, though, I sympathize with getting unsympathetic posts, but for our DD pushing to do work beyond/outside of school or not giving her a 'break' when it's vacation absolutely does not work. For our other nephew (now in high school) it was also counterproductive and for example he ended up chucking violin after his mom 'made' him do it for 4 years. I think he will be okay because now in high school he has matured a lot, but I don't think every kid responds like that. If it were my DD, I would back off a little--but most days we do make her 30 minutes of video game time conditional on doing some extra math (in which she had previously expressed an interest)--so a carrot and not a stick, and with generous days off. As others have said, your mileage may vary. Good luck!