Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums THINKING BIG About Gifted Education A warning from a gifted adult.

Now I look like I'm talking to myself on this thread.

Hi,

I'm sorry you have had so much trouble in your life. I think it's important to remember that richness of inner life (including alienation, depression, and so on) are universal. You may be more intelligent than almost everyone around you, but if you pay attention you'll find that feeling alone and cut off from others is something shared by everyone at some point. Additionally, intelligence does not make one ethical or more ethical than others. The 'morons' you decry are equally capable of making ethical choices, and ultimately being good is more important than being smart.

To 'live hard' is to say to one's self, really that thing before me is another human being before whom I must forbear.

Greetings to all,

I have to ask, do any of you feel a profound sense of isolation and lack of comprehension by others--especially parents and family members?

I am a "profoundly gifted" 22 year old in my senior year of college. Though I do have encouraging friends, I am quite frustrated with my courses and the majority of my peers. I expect more initiative and intellectual curiosity out of them, yet to no avail frequently. In fact, I write my syllabi because of the pace attempted many of my classes. While some professors have "taken me under their wing" and encouraged me through directed studies, I am rather tired of the befuddled looks (I recieved from others) and sense of rejection that I get even from my parents.

For example, I work out math proofs for hours on end and attempt to apply statistics to new fields, such as medieval literature. My parents and family members in turn tell me to "cool my heels" and "stop being so nerdy all the time". Often, I recieved comments growing up about how I needed a "lesson in socialization" by mitigating the time I spent perusing books.

They do not especially like or appreciate mathematics, statistics, or medieval literature--three fields in which I would like to delve further.

I feel as though my own family and many of my peers cannot understand me. What should I do and how can I overcome these feelings of inadequacy?
I feel misunderstood

QT3.1414,
College is a good place for you. Take some courses in pure math at higher level and you'll be challenged. Make some friends in pure math and join their club. Most of them are extremely smart.

Hi QT3,
It's theory of mind; just have to realize that not everyone sees, views, understands the world the same way you do. And even when you feel compelled to share your enthusiasm, it is unrealistic to hope for anything beyond someone supporting your excitement and realize they are no more interested in the topic than you might be in what someone's cousin wore to wedding (perhaps.)

The starting point would be to get into an organization and plan a post-grad path that will bring you in contact with people who share an enthusiasm in the same areas that you do. On the other hand, it is surreal to my mind the idea of feeling inadequate because people can't understand my interests. What matters that input compared to finding peers and in particular finding yourself a mentor who is interested in your interests?

When caught out by someone in your family, picture the tables turned with them sitting at a dinner with yourself and two or three of your favorite instructors.

I'm certain most of here have been there and have found or not found our paths through and beyond.

I'm PG as well (like many parents on this board), and I understand your feelings.

We can't change the world so that it suits us better (sorry! We are outliers!), but we can change. This has helped me, and this is what I teach my son. I'd love to hear if you think this well help my son as he gets older and faces the disillusionment of youth.

-be patient.
In those moments of waiting, learn to observe, guess, play mental games with yourself, have imaginative flights of fancy, or just be in the moment, with a quiet mind, meditative, and waiting.

-be interested.
People are an amazing mystery, dig in. Can you use your brilliant intellect to truly understand the people around you? Would they say that you totally "got" them? Would they say they liked you? Yes, their thoughts and beliefs will frustrate you. Just accept them as they are. Respect the opinions of others, even if you think they are moronic. Maybe others can't reason as well as you, but there are some lessons that only life experience teaches. **There is wisdom in others, learn to look for it.**

-be humble.
You have a gift that you didn't earn. Don't flaunt it.
It will *always* make the majority of people uncomfortable to feel the full edge of your intellect, so learn to blunt that edge. It's not important how smart others find you, but how smart you find others. No one wants to feel stupid, and just being around you, even blunted, will induce that feeling. Mitigate it.

Lastly,
-be on the search for others like you, and let that be your refuge.

These things have helped me, but they won't take away the isolation--that one you have to live with. We are all gifted (even PG folks) in vastly different ways, but life can be very beautiful, even in solitude.

If you have more advice for parents, please share.
I appreciate your comments.

Metis, I'd like to frame that post. VERY well-stated.

Being both humble and truly open to what we can learn from others is a huge challenge at high LOG-- one that most of us don't really learn to meet until we are fully mature as adults (after college some time).

Using one's intellect to learn to 'pass' among normative people is both interesting/amusing and far more rewarding that one imagines as a younger person, by the way. I actually recommend this approach. I'm a far happier person than my (less gifted) spouse who has NOT chosen to do so.

If you are a person who truly cannot develop that kind of theory of mind, or have a great deal of social difficulty even when you are actively trying to fit in and enjoy others, it's probably worth consulting a professional to find out if there may be more going on than just being PG. Being on the spectrum can also lead to many of the same problems, but the solutions may need to be different. Understanding your self is a good way to understand and be more comfortable with your place in the world.

Another thing that I've noticed in learning to just ENJOY my life:

ephemerality is paradoxically both a great source of joy and also a source of sadness and frustration. Things are often beautiful or transcendental simply BECAUSE they can't/don't last... and this is what "living in the moment" truly means. Being higher LOG makes it a very difficult proposition emotionally. It takes discipline to live in the moment, but if you can do it, it makes all of life meditative and rewarding. I don't mean following others' agenda for you, by any means.

So if a class is boring or unrewarding, bring a sketchpad and make elaborate doodles... enjoy the scenery outside the window...write Haiku about the experience... notice what every person in the room is wearing... translate the speaker into a foreign language in your notes. Invent your own shorthand. Produce "illuminated manuscript" versions of class notes-- just because you can and you like it.

I think you are a gift to the world. Keep reminding yourself that although normal people have their strengths, normal can never be amazing. You have the talent (and the duty?) to be amazing.

That said, I'm 43 and still struggling with the issues you raise. Only about 1 out of 20 people I try to befriend can actually stand to be around me, for lack of shared interest.

I am so glad I had the chance to move to another country where intellectual talent is valued. I found it is easier to make friends here.

One thing that helped me take the focus off of my feelings was to reach out to PG children and offer to mentor them in mathematics so that they know someone appreciates, cares about, and understands them. So far, every parent has been happy for me to be involved in their child's life, and I discovered one of the moms is also PG, so in the end I also made a new friend my age! I think there are some websites that match mentors to students. Might be worth a try!

I can't tell you how much I appreciate all of your comments. This information is vital and will help me in many ways.

I cannot thank you enough for all of your wonderful insight and encouragement! I am definitely going to take everything into consideration and apply it to the best of my ability.

I really appreciate this forum where I've had the pleasure of communicating with informed and wise individuals such as yourselves! Thanks again for all of the feedback. It means a lot.

Also, I even though I have an IQ of 170 I do not find myself to be any more "intelligent" than my peers. I simply have more ambition, dedication to my studies, cerebral interests, and intellectual curiosity than many of them do. Perhaps if they delved into literature and mathematics to the same degree, (from an exceedingly young age)they would also be as brilliant (if not more) than I.

Another thing is this:

Sometimes I feel like a burden placed upon my professors and parents.

To elucidate, my parents lacked the money to give me the necessary opportunities as a child and adolescent to further develop my academic potential.

Furthermore, I feel guilty asking for more challenging assignments. I avoid demanding for more rigorous coursework in some cases when I know the professor will apply it to the entire class. I don't want to be responsible for the rest (or many) of the students struggling and/or stressing. Thus, some professors will understand my plight, whereas others do not.

Am I being too hard on myself, or is this a realistic concern that others in the same situation may undergo? Have any of you experienced these feelings?