Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Others' reactions to our kids

Starting a new thread so as not to hijack Ephelidasa's. It seems like there are a lot of issues around how other parents react to our kids.

On the one hand, we have to remember that other parents' overriding concern is their own child. The girl who was bullying Hanni? I've known and loved her since she was a baby, but I actually found myself thinking, "So this is how it feels to want to kill a four year old." That girl's own issues and challenges were a distant, distant speck on the horizon in my mental landscape. Our children need support and advocacy and allies, but the parents of other children (who are being affected by our children) are not neccessarily the place to find that.

On the other hand, there are all kinds of attitudes that go way beyond the bounds of the parent putting their own child first, and enter the realm of intrusiveness and offensiveness.

One area I get this is single parenting. "It must be so hard being a single mom! I just don't know how you do it!" To which I want to reply, "It must be so hard being married to your husband! How do you manage it at the same time that you're raising children?"

I also get invasive comments about Hanni's extreme attachment. I have one friend who is convinced that it's because I co-sleep with her. The co-sleeping thing has bugged this mom ever since she moved her own daughter to a separate bed, and she doesn't miss a chance to hint that Hanni would be better off in her own bed. Sheesh!

And that's not even starting on the comments we all get about smartness, quirkiness, grade-skips, hot-housing, private schooling, homeschooling . . .

It's not any PARTICULAR comment, it's that it seems like everyone has to comment ALL THE TIME...

Or the looks, sans comments... (in reaction to both my kids' extreme emotional outbursts). Sigh.

Or the talking behind our backs.

I wouldn't rule it out, though. I have found it truly worthwhile to invest time and thought in other people's kids (by volunteering strategically for things where I get to engage with them, Junior Great Books, clubs, etc.). Those parents know me, know I'm not evil, know I genuinely appreciate their kids' strengths and challenges; and they have some sense (whether explicitly or implicitly) that DS has lots of struggles. I have found that those parents whose kids I've invested some attention in are incredibly willing to understand our challenges.


Yep. Some people appear to feel they have all the answers. I sure don't. But over time, the people who sympathize with us have gravitated toward us (or us to them), and those who don't care for us don't really have to talk with us... it has kind of shaken out into something livable over time.

It does get easier as the kids get older, too, because more of the moms who were so high-strung about making everything perfect have faced more challenges-- almost nobody gets to middle school without some interesting thing to face-- and so the conversations are more sympathetic. MegMeg, you're at the hardest age for the judgmental stuff. It *should* get better, if my community is any indicator.

DeeDee

MegMeg, I'm going to focus on the cosleeping, which may be irrelevant to others here and a bit of a tangent. I just wanted to validate your frustration, as you underlined the cosleeping issue particularly.

For full disclosure, I'm of the opinion that most pursuits should be child led, so you have full commiseration from me as a fellow co-sleeper. As with almost anything personal, I believe the decision is one made based on individual needs and a parents' expert assessment of his/her child's needs.

I type this with my 15mo son nestled against me, his hands holding onto my hair. He has a cold and has woken to nurse 4 times in the last hour. Even when healthy, he physically needs my presence to self-regulate and can't settle unless nursing or being carried. I accept that. I receive criticism for this practice--even from my husband--but my total immersion in my son's life makes me the best qualified individual to assess my son's needs. Full stop.

While I would prefer more autonomy during his sleep to pursue my own interests, I see our attachment as both mutually nurturing and as a relatively small investment in his overall development. We are from an age where it is common to seek fulfillment for our deepest needs with materialism, rather than intimacy and love. Naturally, views on co-sleeping have become perverted in a climate with a morally compromised mindset.

End commiserating rant.

Well said, Acquinas! I co-slept with both my kids... My husband didn't mind. I heard so many commnets about how they would never sleep on their own, yadda yadda yaddda. Well, they both do sleep on their own now (there is the rare instance of a nightmare but that's very rare). I miss those co-sleeping days to a certain extent.. they grow so fast and once that time is gone it's gone.

On the main topic: I would like to see parents mutually recognize one another as specialists in their respective children's needs and abilities. This forum is such a refreshing environment because I think we achieve this implicitly.

I often feel as if the other parents like the boys in the class as they are, a sports loving, cartoon referencing, clique. My son upsets their "normal". That's why they make the comments. It's not because they are worried about their kids, or are concerned about mine. They just can't stand "different" unless it's their own kid.

Or the Laugh. Wow do I hate the Laugh. Hanni will say something clear and articulate and interesting, expecting a good-faith response from the adult she is addressing, and she gets . . . the Laugh. Then the adult makes eye contact with me, and repeats one of Hanni's phrases. To me. As if I had just showed off my pet parrot.