Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school SO says DD is perfectly "average" but..(long)

Hi Mana,

Sounds as though your SO had a pretty miserable time being gifted; it's really not surprising he doesn't want his daughter going through that. He probably thinks that by not feeding her intellectually you can keep her average so that she won't suffer as he did... which is him trying to keep her safe, and good for him for trying, but there are better ways.

Maybe you might read with him "What a child doesn't learn"?
http://www.portage.k12.in.us/cms/li...685/pdfs/April/Whatachilddoesntlearn.pdf
as this is a short but powerful expression of why it's important to make sure she gets the same opportunities to work hard and not always succeed that her peers get. Maybe a lack of such opportunities was his major problem? That's very common. Carol Dweck is good on this stuff, too.

For my DS, we solved the preschool problem by having DS in a completely play-based preschool, where he was very happy. They didn't do any academics there, so it didn't matter that he was way ahead. (They did, of course, have books, and were happy for him to read them.) Until he went to school (and largely, since then too) we took a "follow his lead" policy; as you say, not preventing him from being interested in academic things, but not pushing them either. Now he's in a school that does challenge him, even though he isn't accelerated; we're very lucky.

I hope it'll work out that having a slightly older family member who seems (now, at least) even further ahead will be a huge boon. Do they live close enough that his niece's family will be looking at the same schools, etc.? Even if not, being able to compare notes may be very useful, if you can stop it being a competition or an anticompetition (I mean, if you can manage not to be competing either to have the most advanced or the least advanced child!)

Welcome Mana - this is going to be quick as I don't have much time, and I apologize for that - hopefully it will make sense. It sounds like your SO is dealing with baggage from his own childhood, but at the same time he seems to have a good sense of what a child needs and clearly has your dd's best interests at heart. When he wants to let her be just a child and not worry about gifted etc - at 2.5 yrs, that's not bad advice at all - it's actually good advice imo. Giving her a chance to explore the world as she wants to, hanging out with her, taking her to activities and events and places outside your home, exposing her to opportunities to learn but not obsessing over it - those are all wonderful ways to spend those early years with *any* child, gifted or not.

I'm guessing once she's closer to school age and you begin looking at schools, your SO might be more in agreement with you than you'd expect at this point in time re her education - once you're looking at actual schools and seeing how the day plays out in each.

JMO, but I'd worry less about looking at your dd as gifted at this point and just look at her as your child, any child. I suspect you'll give her what she needs to meet her intellectual curiousity anyway - without that frame of thinking of her as gifted. But that's just me

Best wishes,

polarbear

Mana, I sent you a PM.

It sounds to me that your SO is carrying around a significant amount of emotional baggage from his own upbringing, and his denial of DD's abilities is largely a defensive mechanism... he's protecting himself from reliving those old memories, while desperately hoping she'll be spared from a similar experience.

After all, this made me channel my inner Doctor Phil:


As Dr. Phil would say, "How'd that work out for you?"


I think he needs to take a step back and maybe get some counseling on his own issues, because what he's doing right now is projecting those issues onto his DD, and this can be extremely harmful to her. If he's always deprecating her abilities, she's going to doubt her abilities. Gifted girls have enough problems with this sort of thing without Dad becoming a part of the problem.


I think that if anyone is looking for one simple, universal rule of parenting, regardless of the child's unique combination of personality/abilities/challenges, this will do.

thanks for the update and best of luck with everything! I think homeschooling really will work best for your daughter, or at least to just carry on with what you currently do and not label it school anything!

ha ha that's funny... he doesn't want her advanced but his idea of catching up is really advanced. lol. When my first baby was younger (i only have two kids, the oldest is 5yrs. old), when he was smaller and my first baby I cringed at the way some people talked or acted with him. I realized that was stupid. I realized it was better for him to have a rich family life and that it was stupid for me to think about scripting their interactions with him. For some reason I subcoynciously desired to scripf how people acted with him, you know, because you want what's right for your kids.

Here on this forum there have been conversations about perfectionism, how you feel you're not good enough or beat yourself up internally for small mistakes, or anything less than perfect. That is inward directed perfectionism. We also (some of us) do outward directed perfectionism. You and your hubby are different people and you don't have to micromanage each others beliefs and personalities. Hope you don't take this insulting, I'm just telling you something that bothered me shortly about my family members when I first had my first kid.

it sounds as though you have made a choice and are excited by it (home schooling). it's a great and fun adventure and it really means that you will all get to enjoy the learning process

Hopefully, you will find a play based preschool that you like and fits. Of course she will know all the preschool topics, but hopefully she'll have fun too.
For my ds, the "teaching" was informal and he was allowed to do other things during worksheet time. Also, he was allowed to read to his classmates and helped the Spanish teacher teach her class. The school and wonderful teachers did so many fun projects and lots of playtime. It was truly great!

When they turn 14 there's summer camps. They say those are lifelines. It's not just that you learn law or computer or writing, you learn how you fit in with other kidsz. If you subscribe to the Davidson academy newsletter you'll read stories about what hg/eg/pg kids get from "water seeking it's own level". A recent student wrote that, finally, you can discover who you are develop what makes you unique beyond being "the smart one", because everyone's smart.

ITA about play based preschool.