Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy adolescent girl and social problems

This is a good one.

This is a good idea - the Model UN team also travels, though. I don't know if that would fit in with her disability issues or not. If she could make it work, I think it would help her a lot with meeting other kids.

I feel for your dd. I was fortunate to have a very close girl friend in MS/HS which made it bearable. I now understand why I felt such a strong connection to this one particular boy who was 4 years older, and I just lived for the times when he would come home from college and make the effort to see me. It was platonic, (well, on his part, lol!) until the summer I turned 18. It was well-worth waiting for! (as was the summer I turned 22--same person. alas, I was an idiot...) So, it doesn't help her now at all, but it may just be a matter of waiting it out for a few more years.

In the meantime, I think something like CTY, Yunasa (through IEA), Davidson or ? could be just what she needs. I think those deep relationships are really fostered when away from home together 24/7. I hope that something like that would eventually be possible for her. I do feel her pain though...even as an adult. While it is tough now it is good that she knows herself so well and knows what it is she wants from another person in a relationship and to recognize that when it comes.

I commiserate with your daughter as an adult. I didn't bother dating until university, when a 3+ year age difference with class colleagues helped me meet my now-husband. Over the years, I've had many friendly acquaintances (other people's "good friends") because, like your husband, I'm athletically inclined and extroverted. I'd count 3 friends among those, including my husband, who truly "get" me and vice-versa.

I don't think that that pattern of socialization, or the paradigm of life-mates that you describe, is atypical for HG+ individuals. Assortative soulmating-- platonic and otherwise-- appears to be our dominant strategy. Frankly, it's just a reality that stems from being part of a statistically rare group. My take is that our role, as parents, is to instill self-confidence and self-esteem in our children so that they can independently weather the inevitable loneliness that comes with being...different. Your daughter sounds wonderfully well-adjusted, so this is probably redundant.

On advice for words to share with a 13-year-old, the following comes to mind, though it may or may not jive with your thinking:

The headmistress at my all-girls high school made a provocative statement in the fervour before prom that has stuck with me over the years: "Men are like handbags; they can bring you enjoyment, but they aren't necessary." (I think the statement could equally be reversed wih a gender-appropriate analogy for an all-boys audience.)

On opportunities to meet peers, beyond the great ideas listed, many universities offer intensive spring break/summer sessions for high school students. Maybe you could advocate for early placement in an extracurricular forum like those?

Yes, but, depending on the person, without a certain number of close friends, you may or may not be able to function adequately.

I don't think this is an issue of self-confidence and self-esteem as much as it is a function of being human and having social needs.

A fair point. My statement was biased by personal preference.

Thank you again to everyone who has responded. I think that this is a real set of problems that is both about asynchrony and about being statistically rare, as aquinas has noted.

It's just difficult to know when/how to intervene as a parent.

Some of this is about trying to get a handle on which child I'm parenting when, if that makes sense. Am I parenting the emotional side of my child, who is about 14 in her reasoning, and about 17 in her needs, and some variable/unknown age in her responses to input? Or is it the cognitive side of her? Or is it the physical one?

The answers change situationally and occasionally even involve some strange and ill-defined cocktail of things. It's easy enough to say to a 13yo "You're too young for _____." But at the same time, if it's a genuine need based on a true area of precosity (obviously I'm not talking about physical/sensual aspects here, but emotional/social ones and certainly cognitive ones), that's an overly simplistic answer that ignores a real set of needs.

I'm so glad that I have this forum to bounce this stuff off of. Thank you.