Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Elementary School DD6 is a model student--why does this concern me?

Hi,

Thanks again, everyone. My DD6 has been talking about how she chooses topics of interest to other girls, and seems very conscious of how others view her and the nature of her friendships. In a way this is all good because in the past, she seemed socially unaware and not strong on empathy, but now she talks about what she thinks others are thinking and how she can influence their perceptions / actions. This isn't bad per se, but it is a new child, and I have a little concern that this will be a pathway to suppressing her interests / ideas. It is hard to imagine becauase she has always had slightly offbeat interests and has been highly opinionated, but I see signs of a new kid and some of it is a relief, but a tiny part of me hopes this doesn't signal the movement away from some of what made her unique. Maybe my worries are unfounded. I'll know more at conference time.

Add me to those who think that model students who are gifted girls and who are clearly striving to be the best helpers possible may be worth keeping an eye on. MInd you, I don't know your child and I think there are a lot of possibilities here and a lot of ways for this to play out, both positive and negative. But in many ways I appreciate my DD's rough edges and squeaky wheel persona because I doubt very much that the "nice girl" pressure is going to get her. She's simply too spiky (although I do see that she has toned down some of her behavior, esp, around peers, as she's aged).

Speaking as a former model student and teacher's helper, I would be very concerned. If being an outlier (more mature than the other kids, more advanced academically, the person singled out and favored by the teacher) becomes your daughter's identity, then she might feel threatened rather than stretched when she finally encounters real academic peers and competition (somewhere around law school in my case) and fail to rise to the challenge. Rewarding and praising someone for their maturity is like rewarding them for their innate smarts--it doesn't encourage hard-work, risk-taking or growth/development and might even discourage those things.

I would be concerned too. Many adult women, especially moms, fall into the trap of meeting everyone else's needs before their own and never make it to "what I need" on the to do list. Surely we don't want to ingrain this pattern in childhood? Every child has the right to be educated at school in academics as well as life lessons.

And why is it, if this is such a special way to learn leadership and important life skills, that I have never read on this board about a little boy being recruited into the same role?

Thanks everyone, part of my concern is personal. I was the gifted girl who was always challening the system, always speaking out, always a thorn in someone's side. I finally felt more at home during college and graduate school, but then came children and I became that woman: the one who had talents in so many areas, but is now a self sacrificing stay at home mom. I am trying to figure out how to get out of that box, and don't want my daughter to lose her fire. Maybe my concerns are mostly projection since she still is her edgy, creative, willful self in plenty of environments :-) Mom on the other hand went from Harvard to piles of laundry and can't seem to get my creative self back. I think there are much greater risks of losing women to friends, children, etc. in a way that doesn't often happen with men or boys.

Mostly because little boys who are bored find other ways to amuse themselves that disqualify them from that role in the eyes of the teacher. I look at my DD and how hard she tried to keep her name off the board in elementary school, and I don't recognize that behavior. It certainly wasn't me. As long as my behavior didn't warrant loss of recess or a phone call home, it didn't bother me. And as long as I was bringing home straight A's, my mom was fine with all the comments about how I talk too much and disrupt class.

I read about gifted perfectionism, and see it daily with my DD, but it wasn't my thing. What motivated me at that age was competition. I was happy to get 95% on the test as long as nobody else got 100%. I wanted to be the first one done, too. Good citizenship awards were given, but I didn't consider them to be any kind of accomplishment.

While I may not have been a mentor/tutor in elementary school, I know the role well. A school teacher never recruited me for the role (well, except for that Navy instructor with the horrible accent that nobody else in the class could decipher), but my fellow students did.

First, a caution about over-identifying with our children and working to prevent our own history from repeating itself. Your daughter may find her stride in identifying as the assistant to the teacher. It may give her confidence, a respected role with her peers. My daughter is the total opposite of me, and I have had to learn to embrace her differences and support what makes her thrive no matter how much it makes me cringe inside.

As to being a stay-at-home mom - it can be liberating and a perfect opportunity to blossom professionally if you explore outside-of-the-box options. I started a freelancing writing career and ran my own writing business for ten years before launching a tech startup that was recognized as one of the top ten hottest mobile startups of 2010 at a major mobile convention that year. I do not say this at all to brag, but to say that if you have a Harvard degree, you already have more behind you than I did. I LOVE being a stay-at-home mom, because it lets me be there for my kids and gives me the freedom to work from home on my time and around my schedule.

What are you passionate about? What can you contribute to that field without sacrificing your freedom of being at home? Is it as a blogger or a niche business on Etsy or as a guest speaker or advocate? Is it establishing an LLC and creating a product or service? Just a few questions to start the ideas rolling.

I was the helper at school. Worked in the attendance office, as a teacher assistant, etc. It was a great outlet for my social tendencies and kept me out of trouble from being so bored. It is a good solution for some kids, and, by the way, even back in the 80's there was a pretty even mix of male and female students working as volunteers in the office. Maybe it was an anomaly - not sure.