Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school Feeling like a bad mom

LOL they don't! (or at least the ones like me don't)


That makes two of us then

You're NOT a bad mom. I have no answers other than to say you're not alone

Like MotherofToddler says, it's an EXTREMELY tough age. My two are 8 and 9 now, but I still remember. It gets SO MUCH BETTER as they get older

As far as having a second... mine are 19 months apart and it's been brilliant. The whole "two in diapers" phase was survivable and now I'm reaping the benefits of all early hard work: they play together, keep each other company, help each other, challenge each other, etc etc. I wouldn't have wanted them any further apart in age.

Hang in there... it'll get better

The fact that you're worried about being a bad mom should be a clue that you aren't one. This is a tough age to parent any kid but a gifted, hungry brain that can't speak fluently yet makes it even harder. Mine are 5 and 10 and I still haven't figured out how to like playing with them (I get bored), attending to their constant chatter, and doing housework. Mine are lucky to have an aunt who does pretend play with them and I'm always reminding them that this is her thing, not mine.

For my first, we had a playgroup for a few kids where 2 moms stayed to watch them, and the rest got an hour off. It was really a revelation. I could prep myself to be 'on' for an hour when it was my week - plan painting or whatever - and then on my hour off, sometimes I would just sit in my car and cry, or take a book to a cafe. It kept me sane. Having the second mom around means that one can handle a crisis, while the other watches the kids who are doing fine. Added bonus: with fewer moms, the kids began to interact with each other as peers much more. Their social skills (OK, we are talking 1-3 year olds here) really soared.

I do much better if I can plan ahead, so activities like these worked for me. I spent an hour or two one evening making up activity kits, then had something to pull out to keep her busy and let me catch my breath:
http://www.redshift.com/~bonajo/preschool_activities.htm

It also helped me to think of self-entertainment or independent play as a skill to be taught. I was not being selfish or a bad mom, I was *teaching* her something useful! It takes a while, so set tiny goals at first. Give her washable markers and a paper, and ask her to make you a surprise drawing. 30 seconds later, ooh and aah and ask her to add some more details or make you another... Eventually you work up to a more comfortable amount of time.

And keep reminding yourself that it gets better.

YES. THIS.

Particularly when that child also isn't particularly "into" age-typical activities or those low-cost camps, classes, and activities which are open to toddlers and preschoolers.

As I just posted in another thread (preschool learning materials and software), my daughter and I both just wound up tearful, angry, and resentful if I pushed her to do all of those great things that FamilyFun magazine (and Mothering, and Waldorf... and, and, and) encourage. She HATED that stuff.

I finally realized that so did I, and we were better off doing what we didn't actively loathe. Life's too short to spend it on "should do, even though I hate it" and I'm not sure what she got out of pottery class, but I'm pretty sure that the instructor and the rest of the class got out of it that I was the meanest mom in the world and that my daughter was probably autistic because of her sensory issues and meltdowns (she isn't, but BOY does she not like having her hands or any other part of her either wet or dirty...)

I finally enforced "quiet time." This was in self-defense, honestly. I insisted that DD play in her room independently for some portions of the day. I also used media to babysit her for short periods of time, since we could not leave her with a sitter (medical reasons).

I listed some of my other tricks in that other post. Just knowing that you aren't as alone in this as you feel probably helps.

You are not alone....

Although I must say I enjoy parts of being a SAHM to my 2 boys, almost 3 and almost 5, it is completely exhausting! I do enjoy sitting down with them talking, reading, playing games etc. But I am not the mom running around the playground with a big smile on my face. Or if I do have a big smile it is more likely fake....:-)

I can't say I was born to be a SAHM, but I wasn't made to have a career either...so here I am. I am currently enjoying the process a lot more than in the past because I am realizing this is the beginning of the end of this phase of my life. The toddler phase. I want to enjoy every second. Not so much that I feel I have to do all these activities with them etc. More just paying attention to what they do. Watching them walk, play, and enjoying how adorable they are, being so little. I take time to listen to them express themselves, ask them questions and so on. Getting away from all the "shoulds" and just being in the moment, right here, with them.

Turns out not all TV is necessarily always bad for all children: check out this article on gifted children and the benefits of TV: http://community.seattletimes.nwsource.com/archive/?date=19930521&slug=1702386
According to the study's authors gifted children are more actively engaged with TV and actually do learn from TV (if it is the right program of course).
My son is 4 and he loves "The Magic Schoolbus", "Sid the Science Kid" and other shows like that. He has learned a lot from these shows and as soon as he has a new interest I follow up on it with books from the library and hands-on activities such as experiments. He learned about molecules from the Magic Schoolbus and we've been studying chemistry ever since. I think it's all about the balance ...

Could you be a little depressed? SAHMIng to one is hard. In most ways, I actually found it easier with two (note that my kids are 4 years apart, though). It's a bit of an echo chamber.

Do you have a group of mom friends? I desperately needed adult conversation during the early years.

Teaching kids to play independently is a lot of work, but worth it. My son was just very ill and got a lot of attention as a result. He now is used to it and is constantly asking to be played with round the clock. It's exhausting. He is the same child as he always was, so I can clearly see that we "de-trained" him. From babyhood on, I have always tried to melt away as soon as I see them playing happily without me. I reinforce it, too ("Thanks for letting me get this work done! Now let's read a book for a while," and then later, "I need to do XYZ and then we can...") Also, teaching children to wait is a huge life skill. I don't mean to sound like a hopeless prig, but I do know a lot of AP-minded parents who have always pretty much dropped everything for their child. It sets up an expectation for the kid that they are always #1.

Also, I have spent some time just asking myself, "What things do I actually enjoy doing with my child?" Do those things! A lot! They may not be the things you think they "should" be, but who cares?

I've experienced the same thing, because coming home from a long day at work and a stressful commute to become fully engaged in Daddy Time all evening/weekend can be just as draining as being there 24/7.

Some other people have already chimed in with different parts of how I dealt with it, so I'll summarize for reinforcement:

- Don't be afraid to set availability boundaries, ie: "Mommy needs to do this now, go find something you can do on your own."

- Don't be afraid to set play boundaries, ie: "Mommy doesn't want/like to play that, let's do something else." I've always tried to avoid playing things I hate, because if I'm miserable, I'll end up making DD miserable, too. If we find something to play where there's common interest, it's way more rewarding for both of us.

Yeah, my DD7 could hit a whiffle ball at 3, then played Jedi with the bats, learned about fixing the washing machine, made fighting robots with legos (and then fought them), and I make no apologies. If she wants to play dolls or kitchen, she has a mommy (and these days, friends her own age). I'll play kitchen with her once in a while, in small doses, but I have a strict no dolls rule. In following her lead on some of these games/activities, I've actually managed to walk on my hands for a few steps, and I'm quickly closing in on mediocrity with the guitar. I've also added, "Daddy's little personal trainer" to her long list of nicknames, because she exercises me pretty well.

- Don't worry too much about screen time, because gifted kids are the exception to every rule, including the one about too much screen time. Anyway, there's a big difference between the child who gets more than 2 hours of TV versus the kid who watches all day and gets no adult engagement. There's also a lot more high-quality content for toddlers than there was in our days.

I heard about a study where parents identified that the LEAST happy part of their day was when they were actually with their kids. The happiest? When they were THINKING about their kids.

There is a mundane, banging-head-against-the-wall quality to motherhood that is VERY normal. My best advice is to get with other moms who are "real" with you. You are most definitely not alone.