Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Elementary School Consequences of being annoying

I have thought about it more and I am going to talk to the OT about it. I think his issues are coming up at the end of the day during free time and he might be overwhelmed. She works at the school and can check in and see what is going on. We all had a before school meeting two months ago and discussed sensory accommodations and I don't think any of them are being used. It is a small private school so there is nothing formal like an IEP in place. The accommodations are pretty low key. The one that might help here is the CD player and audiobooks to use during free time. The idea being that at some times (like the end of the day), the activity and noise level might be too much for him and "getting away" by focusing on an audiobook would help. We have provided the CD player and the CD's but I don't think he has used them. I know they are not in the classroom. I feel like he is not to the point yet where he can identify when he needs a break and ask for it. We are working on it and he is getting better but he just isn't quite there yet.
Of course we have also talked to him about making friends and being nice. He plays well with most kids and seems to be well liked by the staff and other students.
So I guess the plan will be to address the sensory issues and see if things improve.

I was just reading about how being a people pleaser or wanting everyone to like you is a trait of perfectionism.
Just something to think about.

I got a bit more information today. First at drop off, DS and DH were signing in when DS said hello to one of the boys he had trouble with last week. The response: Don't talk to me, you are not one of my friends (said quietly so that only DS and DH could hear). They both ignored the kid expect for DH telling DS to let it go and get to work.

His OT was in his classroom to observe and he had a good day. She said he is very social, invites others to join him, happily shares, works well with others and seems to be enjoying class. She had some ideas on addressing his avoidance of works involving letters and numbers (we are looking into dyslexia testing) but it seemed like socially he is doing great.

So I am not really sure what last week was. Perhaps his run in with kids that exclude others handled badly?

I've been following your thread and I had to reply after I read your post today. What an absolutely AWFUL response from that little boy. UGH! Honestly, I'm wondering why everyone is focusing on your son and not on how he is being treated by these other boys. So far, from what you described, the only concrete thing that the teacher can name that your son has done is knock over a block tower, which he says he was told to do. I don't know if it qualifies as bullying, but the other boys' behavior certainly qualifies as being mean. What the heck is the teacher thinking to respond, "He needs to learn the consequences of being annoying." Hello, it's a room full of 5- and 6-year old kids. They're annoying. Is she planning to ignore the ones she finds personally annoying? And you know what? In our school, you actually AREN'T allowed to tell kids you don't want to play with them in class. At recess, at home, at the playground... sure, go ahead. But in class, they constantly model how to be gracious. If someone asks to be your partner, there are only two appropriate responses: "No thank you, I already have a partner," or "Sure, thanks for asking me." With all the rudeness in our society, I think it's a great thing. I think this teacher is teaching them it's okay to be jerks. I don't let my kids be mean to each other and I don't let them be mean to other people. I'm sure your son can be annoying at times, because can't we all, but that is NO excuse for the kids' response. The fact that the OT sees something very different (your son is likable and social) really makes me wonder how accurate this teacher is. I would request a conference with the teacher, support staff and principal if things don't improve.

Hi,

No personal experience but an anecdote from a friend. Her DS in K could be interpreted as a bully, laughed at another student (I think called him a baby on multiple occasions in that whisper way so that only the victim hears).

Teacher mentioned it to the bully's mom more as part of a list of being exasperated with the boy. The mom's solution, invite the other child to playdates one on one outside of school. Her son (the bully) is not a bad kid (but definitely does have a flippant jerky side), he was exploring feeling powerful and was not seeing the consequences. Because he didn't really know the child and because he was 6 the bully was able to pretend it was just funny. Having the kids meet elsewhere where there was no one else to impress and no one else more fun to hang out with, and the two parents there hovering and helping the sociability with a fun activity, that did wonders. The bully didn't actually hate the other kid, more had just picked him as easy to tease. While not friends exactly now the two get along fine and no more friction at school. And the parents get along well because they worked together to improve things.

Perhaps the teacher can identify one or more basically nice kids in that group of difficult kids and help with contacting the parents and see about a carefully engineered playdate or activity with one of them at a time. (3 or more is a crowd). Parents working together can make a difference at the age of 5 or 6. These parents may have no idea there's friction and might well be receptive to the idea of a get-to-know-eachother activity.

Polly

I hope the conflict is working itself out. We are trying to avoid the "some people are mean and you just have to ignore them" message for this situation. For one, it is a small class and there is a lot of school year left. Secondly, if he thinks of them as "bad guys" I think the peskiness will likely continue. We just told him to be nice to everyone and if they are not feeling friendly, they might be friendlier on another day. He seemed to accept this idea. He said he asked one of the "guys who don't like me" to build with him and he did. This small victory lead him to think maybe last weeks upset was a "misunderstanding".

As for the teacher, I don't think she would have brought it up as being a big continuous disruptive problem or anything had I not approached her with questions about what was going on. While I didn't say it, my tone probably said "Why are these meanies making my baby boy cry and why are you letting them?". She was probably a little worn out from dealing with kindergartners all day, maybe low on caffeine and had just dealt within the last half hour my son having to leave the room because he was crying so much. I am inclined to cut her some slack on a less than awesome response. We'll see how it goes.

I am super proud of my little man for handling such a rude response at the start of class and for later reaching out to invite one of the mean boys to join him when the boy looked like he wanted to play with the blocks my son had. It takes some courage to risk rejection to do the right thing.

I won't quote the whole post, KJP, but I'm tempted to - sounds to me as though you handled that brilliantly, helping him to interpret the situation in a way that will let him improve it. I love the way your giving the teacher the benefit of the doubt, avoiding the Fundamental Attribution Error, is mirrored in your son's doing the same in trying again to play with the boy, and succeeding. Kudos!

KJP - Yay! What ColinsMum said: Love the way you've handled this. And that's wonderful that your kiddo persisted and the other boy agreed to play with him.

Ahh, add me to the list of folks nodding along with your words. This really reminds me of my DD. I'm hoping time will help.

I agree, the teacher needs to help everyone find positive ways of interacting. Restraining oneself from unacceptable behaviors and using better words--but if they just don't like him, she needs to cultivate a sense of community better. They should still be able to work/play together at times without him bearing the brunt.

Just an update -
I talked to DS's teacher for a while this week about how the year was going for him. It was really a great report. She mentioned how attentive he is in circle time, gave some examples of his giftedness shining a bit, how seriously he takes his classroom chore AND how well he is doing socially. She said that social success was the most surprising to her given the poor report she got from his preschool teacher. She said he is very good at including others and gets along well with everyone in the class.
He claims the one boy still doesn't like him but he said other boys do like him so he doesn't care. I guess this is one of those social lessons that is learned in K.