Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school 4-year-old with thoughts too big

Thank you for sharing your stories.

Re: Boring/Short thing-- The way she explains it is that some things are boring because they happen too quick. For example, school is boring because they do not let her stay at the stations as long as she would like. The books are not long enough. Recess is not long enough. She describes school as being constantly shuttled around. She is slow to warm, so maybe that has something to do with it. It takes her a very long time to make connections with peers, and I don't think she has been able to make any yet. She also has an immeasurable attention span. She would sit at a table and decorate a craft for an hour or listen to a few chapters of a novel. She does love school. She always wants to go, but every afternoon she inevitably comes out a little frustrated about life.

When she describes our day, she complains that we never stay anywhere long enough. Our visits are always "too short" and therefore our days are "boring." It does not make sense, but that is what she says every single day. Every single night she complains how short and boring her days are. I will remind her of all the fun things we did, and she will argue that they happened too quick and she wasn't given enough time. We have had some busy days, and it is never enough.

She has a great life. She plays all day. She hardly ever cries. She looks very happy. I will try to work on giving her more time and more control, but I have this feeling like no amount of time would satisfy her. She just wants to complain. She reminds me of a moody tween or something. It might be that she is upset because she feels like she can't trust me. Maybe, she is trying to manipulate me. I am just going to keep letting her open up to me and listen.

HowlerKarma-- She has always been attracted to adult topics. She has seemed to have a very global understanding of things before we realize she is ready to talk about them. Since birth she has been the observer, the quiet one, the listener of adult conversations. We are constantly surprised by how much she figures out about the world by just observation and eavesdropping.

But, yes, she is most interested in the more mature topics-- assassinations, war, illness, venomous animals ("A hemotoxin will cause you to bleed out of your eyes.") We have been navigating this kind of stuff for more than a year. She loves reading about history. She has figured out that there is something we have been not telling her regarding Adolf Hitler and has begged to know what he has done. So, yes, we are shielding her from things, and that frustrates her.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but she figures these things out. She has a sixth sense for topics that are inappropriate for her.

I actually have had similar issues/problems with my 7 year old and it's been going on (on and off) since he was 4 (maybe 3 1/2 it started?) Anyway, it's a bit of comfort to read your post b/c it can be disturbing. Anyway, one thing I heard and that I try to do is focus (or get him to focus on) positives.... Like at the ned of the day dwell on what he favorites parts of the day were, what happened that was good, etc. Sort of reinforcing the good memories. Good luck, I know how you feel!

We have sometimes joked that our main problem is that our children's attention spans are way too long. Have you ever watched how schools and preschools operate? They DO give them a VERY short time to do anything. My kids are also frustrated by this. I have always tended to have that kid who is still at the table decorating the whatever while everybody else is running around screaming.

Yup. Me, too.

This is why I always allowed DD lots of time to read the way she wanted to-- continuously, and for hours and hours if that's what she needed/wanted.

I was thinking that, too. I think she's not got the words to explain the frustration with short-attention-span activities intended for NT young children.

"Running around screaming" could only be the antithesis of how I recall my DD being as a preschooler. She was alert and observant, but more of a cerebral and introspective kid than a gonzo, no-holds-barred active one.

This is why I suggested she might be over-scheduled, because if she has a lot of control over her own activities, then she gets to do an activity until she's ready to move on to something else.

This conversation did remind me of one of DD's notorious habits when she was 3-5, though. We'd take her to the park, the bounce house, etc., and she'd have a blast, but there'd be that one issue where a kid cut in line, or she got bumped, or whatever. Then someone would ask her if she'd have fun, she'd say no, and tell about that one bad incident. All the fun stuff around it was immediately forgotten.

So, whenever your DD is talking about how time goes too fast, maybe she's just obsessing about that one incident in the day where she got interrupted from doing what she wanted. In this case, what worked for us is to keep reminding her about all the positives.

DS not quite 4 has this problem, and even describes it as boredom, occasionally. We had to make a point of very politely telling the playdate group that we could no longer do the all-day playdates that were the norm because we were unable to keep up with a schedule that includes, for example, snack times. Stopping three times for meals is pushing it for him, he needs to do at least one 4-5 hour stretch in the day, and one item under an hour is the maximum, not counting meals and travel. Meals must continue the topics and interests of the time before, or introduce the next activity. Ideally, meals need to be eaten where the previous or next activity happens, but he now tolerates going to the cafeteria in the same building relatively well. Travel time similarly, must relate to the rest of the day, and we often eat a meal while traveling to minimize changes.

Lets's just say he doesn't do transitions well.

He isn't slow to warm up, though, he's the typical jump-right-in type; but the WAY he participates changes over the time spent, and at different times of day, and If he doesn't get to the "flowy" state people often describe -- we often describe it as a "reach ahead" moment, because we can tell its's happening when he starts doing exceedingly precocious stuff that will clearly not be mastered for months or years -- he will tantrum, remember only the frustration, etc.

I think he just craves that flow-state, and can't live without it.

We pulled him from preschool because he could not handle the hyperactive schedule. We are hoping to get some kind of assessment done so that we can request accommodations for his long attention span next sept, when he starts K.

Uh... You're not allone, but we're a little concerned about this as a potential problem here.

Getting into flow state, what an awesome observation, Michaela!

I just listened to her go on and on tonight before bed. The same issues came up. I did a lot more listening than arguing, but I did bring up some points that seemed to have some affect on her-- Like how some things are going to be shorter than we want them to be, but it is still better than not doing anything at all...

A couple of things were new. She pondered that her life was all just a dream. She said that in her fake dream life she would continue to fall asleep and wake up until she was exactly 100 years old, die, and wake up as "Maggie." (We do not know any Maggies.)

An alternative possibility: not problems, symptoms, issues...
Maybe your daughter is functionally a philosophy prodigy. Perhaps validation for the questions and ideas, etc. connecting to resources that show other people ask and ponder the same questons is a route to go?

Here's a site I ran across, not sure how useful:
http://www.teachingchildrenphilosophy.org/wiki/Main_Page

I may be a little off topic here but this reminds me of dd3 who complains about how she "cannot do anything in this house" where anything refers to painting the living room wall and jumping off a self-made futon cushion tower,etc. she often talks about going away and being on her own. She asks me to tell her the story of the baby bird that flew away and built its own nest. She actually made up and told me the entire story and then asks me to retell it to her. She has made up stories of her getting lost in the woods and living with animals. One thing that seems to work is to verbalize the emotions behind these stories and statement. I say to her, for example, " do you feel helpless that you are small and cannot do whatever you want to do and think it would be better to be an adult" she says yes and then I can start to talk about growing up, independence, consequences (the need to play within rules(social, moral,ethical,etc) even as a grown up. Another thing that has helped me figure out her inner state is to tell her that one of her pretend children is saying to her the exact same things she says to me and asking her how she is going to respond. I have been amazed at some things I have learnt from this exercise.