Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy other parents and envy/jealousy

Well, truth be told, I guess as a parent I view it that way, too. I'm not 'proud' of DD's status as a PG person.

It just is, in our estimation. Like being born with curly hair or blue eyes. Genetics, of course, played a large role, and I suppose one could argue that we were open to it at a relatively early age, but beyond that, there's simply no way that a parent could "cause" any of what DD has become.

But to lash out at someone with the intention of diminishing what they ARE is bizarre, to say the least. That's like trying to convince someone that their child's hair isn't REALLY all that blonde. ??? And to do that to a young teen who is already self-conscious about her appearance-- is, well, toxic.

I think you and you dd have every right to feel offended at those snarky interactions...if was more about their own baggage and not your dd's.

Sadly, I just don't see it as bizarre because I've seen too much nastiness like this (I may be skewed. I'm a therapist). People often devalue the super rich that have inherited their fortune instead of "earning it". In fact, I think people tend to devalue the attributes and accomplishments of others (not all people, not all the time).

Isn't that what TMZ or The Enquiror is for? Exposing how NOT special rich and famous people really are?

Sigh. I love thinking up snarky (however slight) comebacks when my clients are dealing with a lot of passive aggression. Maybe you and she can brainstorm...that's usually thee best part.

I've come to the thought pattern that I'm unlikely to change the world and it's perceptions, even if I could I'm not going to devote that much time to it when I have my own child right in front of me with their own unique challenges and needs. Our solution is to take advantage of the typical gifted child's mind and sensitivities by teaching them some phycology. We’ve taught our children that everybody has their unique set of blessings and challenges and we all have a difficult time understanding somebody else’s gifts and challenges. When there is something we don’t understand people often jump to conclusions, those often being the simplist explanations, even if they are hurtful, negative, or plain rude. We’ve also taught our children that people will also often become attacking or demeaning when they feel defensive or put other’s down to make themselves feel superior. That behavior is simply showing a lack of self-confidence.

Sometimes we don’t give kids enough credit, especially our own gifted children. My kids completely understood the thought patterns expressed above even at an early age, in fact, they actually felt sorry for the people who exhibited such behavior and even said prayers for them. We often can’t change the world’s perception, try as we might, we can, however, change how we deal with them. If these people are in our child’s life daily, obviously it needs to be addressed and another solution pursued, however, for the comment made from the casual meeting, some education in phycology goes a long way.

When it comes to people in our child’s everyday life making such comments, the best solution is educating them in a calm, genuine, and helpful way about the truth and realities. If that doesn’t remedy the situation, then it’s time to get higher ups involved or simply find a way to remove our child from the person being involved in their daily life.

I guess, in short, take the high road, nothing good is going to come from anything else.

Good advice, OldDad.

DD similarly sees the more overt variety of nasties in that light. Or at least she always has.

I've mentioned elsewhere that this is one of those socially-PG things that she seems to have always had a grasp of.

It's the more sly stuff that we see being harmful to her now that she's a somewhat insecure adolescent. It feeds self-doubt in some very particular ways, and plays into task-avoidant perfectionism, which she's had trouble battling.

Same-age peers often are so fond of DD that they will act as though the PG thing isn't a problem (well, more properly the grade placement difference isn't), but then it turns out that there is a subtle but continuous 'patter' of negativity and "me-too" attempts at one-upsmanship from both the peer and not infrequently the child's parents, as well.

It's the low level barrage that we see being of concern. The more overt material DD knows well enough for what it is. She lacks the maturity to see the low-level inundation in the face of a contrary statement in that same light, though.

Any advice on how to manage that aspect of things? My inclination is to remove DD from situations like this, but with an adolescent, that becomes less and less a viable solution. I guess we can talk about 'healthy' relationships and unhealthy ones.

I just wish that there were more that we could do about it.

From what I've started to understand about myself, I honestly spend far more time stressing about my 2e's education, homework, performance, etc., than most parents do. But I can talk about his deficits all day long and get commiseration and kind comments from parents. But let me talk about my gifted kid with no 2e issues, and the rules change. They just do. People like to meet us in a place of commonality; that's human nature. But when our kid is so uncommon, that is very hard to do.

So my policy has become this: if a person is making snide, unkind, unsolicited remarks within hearing of my child, mother bear is deployed in full force. My kid needs to know I will defend them and that being gifted is nothing that should be disparaged. But if a person makes a comment that comes off as unsettling or unkind within the course of an adult conversation, I tend to simply remove myself from the conversation in the most graceful way possible. I will not change others' insecurities, biases, or judgments of me and my stellar parenting skills (bwahahaha), so I won't begin to try.

Sorry to be so vocal, here, I feel empassioned for some reason. I think everyone has a bit of a 'mean-girl' in them...and that really does seem to come out the worst in adolescence.

Here's what I teach my teens:

There's different ways to handle conflict, and different ways are warranted by the situation at hand.

1) Aggressive: actively trying to deal with conflict in a hurtful way (whether emotional or physical).

2) Passive: doing nothing (or avoiding) in the face of conflict.

3) Passive-Agressive: handling conflict by attempting to hurt someone in an underhanded way, so that you are saying one thing but implying another by your actions or expressions.

4) Assertive: actively attempting to solve your side of a conflict without knowfully causing harm (either mentally of physically).

The best remedy to passive-aggression is assertiveness. But this is sometimes extraordinarily hard to teens (and adults) to master. That is where the 'comeback' coaching I talked about earlier comes in. I don't mean that you help your dd think of nasty things to say to her friend. But maybe, if your dd feels like her friend is getting really irritated with her recent great grade or academic success, she could say, "It seems like you're mad that I got an A". The other girl may not agree (most likely will not)...but asserting oneself and calling attention to the underhand stuff often shuts it down.

4)

What kind of strategy is suitably respectful but assertive with the parents of those friends, though?

(Right now, this is an issue with a boyfriend and his parents, so that is why I ask.)

Yes!! As in, we can't change other people, but what we can change is how we react to other people.

Soooooo difficult when a child/teen is being slyly chastised by an adult. The rules of conduct say that a teen should bite his/her tongue lest he is seen as disrespectful. I talk with my teens about when you DO have to be passive to a conflict because of authority issues (principal, police).

If it is occuring in front of you, I think you have every right as a parent to assert for your child by calling the other parents out on it (even if it's when the teens are conveniently on a walk...). If it's when you are not there, I think it is would be something that the BF needs to address with his parents.

I guess I'm likening it to "in-law" rules: You deal with your people; I'll deal with mine."

So tough. I was not liked by my future mother-in-law for a myriad of reasons, and it really did effect my self-esteem.

What we're looking at here is conflict management when insults, untruths, or defensiveness is involved. When it’s difficult or you simply can’t walk away from it, your best bet is to get to the core of the problem. That’s usually done through calmly asking clarifying questions such as;

“What makes you feel that way?”
“What gives you that impression / perception?”
“On what do you base your statement?”

Once the root of the problem is understood, gentle education of facts and reality is usually the best way to cure ignorance. It might take a different approach if the root problem is jealousy or feeling inferior. I usually go with the discussion of everyone has their blessings and challenges thought pattern and educate the person on the unique challenges that are involved as well.

When it comes to a boyfriend / girlfriend / spouse, it’s best to talk about where each person’s talents and challenges are and how both can work together as a team to be stronger together than they are as two separate people. My lovely and gifted wife has a grand array of skills, education, and intelligence, I have a different set of skills and a different kind of intelligence, however, we depend on each other’s strengths to balance our own short comings. It takes maturity to do that, something that teens haven’t yet developed. It might take some coaching to help either get over self and see how they can help each other to potential.