Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Learning Environments Help, Mommy Guilt and Disappointment

Hi All,
I am having a terrible time with my DS11's decision for 6th grade. Would love some advice.

He's 2E, HG. He's gone to a full time gifted program since 2nd grade and it has been tremendous. Except for this year..... We moved to another state and he started in their GT program. It's housed in an inner city school, bus ride over 1 and 1/2 hrs and the work is sometimes "busy" work not quality GT stuff.

So after a year there he has decided to make the transition to the home middle school honors program. He's made some local friends that are also GT and going to the local middle school.

I am devastated. My husband says it's become more about me than my DS. Maybe he is right. I just feel like we have this chance to get a more rigorous education and what was the point of the last 4 years GT if he's giving up on it. Now he'll be limited to early college high school options, IB, etc. if he comes to the local school. Realistically, I may not be considering his 2E enough to realize he probably isn't early college material, due to his focus issues.

To be fair our local high school and middle school are top notch. Known in the area as major college prep type environment. Academics are very much promoted there.

I just can't help feeling like we are giving up and feeling like some of the other moms/kids still in the GT program are going to think he couldn'd handle it, etc.

I know I am wrong....just can't get past it. He loves the kids in the GT program and always fit well. He got straight A's in the program so it wasn't tough. The homework was an issue at night and that is what finally made my husband say enough is enough. My son struggled to concentrate at night and do the homework without major support. He wasn't medicated at night either and was tired because he also plays sports, piano, scouts....

Second, and this is the one I know I really have an issue with..... Guilt over not homeschooling.... We have new neighbors that have moved in and the mom will be homeschooling. I am feeling so inferior. I know I can't handle doing this with my 5 kids (probably all GT and a couple 2E.) I feel like I'm failing them because they would get a better education here at home. This mom has no particular reason to homeschool other than she wants to see her kids more. How can I "own" what works for our family and get past not providing the ultimate learning environment for my kids?

Thanks
spirited mama

Is that your and his overall assessment of the program? Because indeed, it may not be worth the bus ride to him. Commuting is awful IMO. Three hours a day can be spent a lot of other ways.


If the program he's giving up is busy work, why do you think what he'll get locally is less rigorous? Have you really examined the local options in detail? Will he be placed appropriately, accelerated as necessary? Your description of what's available locally does not sound awful to me.


What they think doesn't matter.


Who says that homeschooling is the ultimate learning environment?

For some kids, the challenge of adapting socially to school, being flexible and patient with the pace of other-directed learning, offers lessons that cannot be matched at home. This is certainly true with my 2E. We decided purposefully to keep him enrolled in public school, when HSing would have been "easier" in terms of educational fit; no regrets for us.

Some kids thrive under all that individual attention; for some, it's really better to be independent from parents and finding their own way in the world. Depends on the kid. Some parents are utterly unfitted for HSing. I like my job and would hesitate to give it up to HS (though I thought about it when it seemed like we might pull DS from school). It is okay to have other priorities. It is your life and your family and you get to say what benefits the whole group.

I imagine that you knew when you chose to have five kids that there were certain things that would be challenging about that; I don't think it's useful at this point to beat yourself up because you don't have the resources to do for your kids as if they were all only children. Your family is what it is, your resources are what they are, and you should do what makes sense for your family, not your neighbor's family.

DeeDee

Thanks, DeeDee. That's exactly what I needed to hear....over and over again:)

The local option has the same math acceleration option with Alegebra I in 7th grade, honors Language Arts, etc. Only difference is that the class will be "watered down" with the students enrolled vs.the GT school. Since the honors program accepts much lower score for admission.

He'll be a mile up the road and be able to do his activities. I'm proud of him for making a decision that I know is hard, not just the easy way out. He's sad to lose friends from his GT school after just moving here and making them. I think he is looking at the long term picture. He's being more clear headed than his mama....a good sign!

Yes, homeschooling would not work for us and I need to learn to own that. My kids actually want to be in school. They all said they'd miss friends, etc. I work part time from home and can barely manage that with them home in the summer. I don't think that would work if they were homeschooled. Their local elementary is amazing and I'm able to volunteer almost every day for a bit. It's really the best for us.

spirited mama - Chin up! We can only do what we feel is best for our kids, and what's best for GT kids sometimes changes frequently. It sounds like you and your family weighed all the options and picked the best one. I would have done the same. The GT program doesn't sound as fabulous as it could have been. The local option sounds pretty darn good. Whether watered down or not, there will not be a ton of kids taking algebra and honors LA in 7th, I'm guessing, and hopefully your kiddo will find a couple kids at his level.

We do drive a ridiculous amount each day, so I know how hard that is. I think you and your family will have a period of great relief when your DS has that extra time that used to go to commuting.

Try not to feel guilty - you're doing a great job. And as for the GT families thinking anything, most likely they'll think "wow, I can't believe they did that long commute for so long!" And if they are friends, they will understand. Hopefully your DS can still keep in touch with his friends from the old school. It's good to make that effort.

Remember-- this isn't just about "schooling" for your family or your child!!

It's also about life-balance. Less time traveling means more time doing other meaningful things.

Really, that's the only explanation that is needed for others. As our children get older, they truly NEED people and activities beyond what family/school alone can provide. You're making room for those things.

While there may be a part of me that wonders if our choices are the "right" ones (there's that perfectionistic streak again), I have to let go of that and reassure myself that even if they aren't, they're probably "good enough" choices, in the end.

I hear you. I had guilt about not homeschooling when I wasn't...and now that I am homeschooling our ds12, I have some guilt/worries about whether I'm messing him up in DIFFERENT ways. The guilt, worrying, etc., it's your job but you have to relax somewhat about it.

Also, for us, homeschooling one kid didn't naturally follow that we'd do that for both. ESPECIALLY when our dd is so outgoing and truly a handful, she doesn't love school, but after being home with her this summer (I do work, but from home)...I am glad she has the break from us/vice versa.

Ds and I work out the homeschooling by doing a bunch during the evening/early afternoon; when I'm working during the day, my ds does his own thing on the computer, outside play, etc. Not perfect, but for him, it is better than the 98% stressed out state he was in during middle school.

thank you all. These comments really were what I needed. DS and I are headed to the local middle school to register this afternoon. I wasn't ready to do that until today. I appreciate your input. This board is wonderful.

Spiritedmama --
I get the sense that your son is your oldest child? If so, it's important to remember that middle school is really different. It is very much about executive function and making sure your child is ready for HS. This is important work that has to get done. Making sure he has ownership of all his work, and that he can manage it all.

You spent the last 4 years at the GT school making sure your child wasn't bored and losing motivation, or causing trouble in school because he was bored, or feeling like an "alien" because he was so different from other children. It's not a race. If you have preserved your child's love for learning, then consider it a job well done.

Thanks, herenow. That puts it in perspective. Yes, he is my oldest so this is all new. My husband believes that it was important to get him through the elementary years without losing his love of learning and using the GT school helped do that. Now that we are moving into Middle school the benefit of the GT school isn't as great since classes start to be grouped by ability. This makes sense.

Spiritedmama,
As a homeschooling mom, I can tell you it isnt for everyone. If you have found a school that works with your son and makes your son happy that is what is best for him. You are doing great. I homeschool because I havent found a school that will work well with my childrens needs.

Dont feel inferior because you dont keep your children home. I think you have done an amazing job to still have a son that loves learning. That is what is important.