Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Elementary School Third grade...still, he's 6!

((unresolved old Pet Peeve alert))
I think the problem, I hate myself for doing this to my son because as a grown up giftie and an oldest child I know better, but I still do it knowingly.  I am ashamed of myself and I will continue to do it.  Here it is. If we're somewhere or we're doing something and either or both of my kids make it difficult on me I say to the older one (he's only just under five) "don't make this difficult on me.  Make it easy on me or I won't think this is fun and we won't do this anymore.  I'll quit taking you places and we'll quit doing things if you make this hard on me".  

You hold the better kids to higher standards then you don't hold the worser kids to higher standards until they become better kids and hold them to higher standards and then you run the world by the system of accommodation to the standards of the worser kids, while continuing to hold the better kids to higher standards AND never putting better people in charge of the standards.  It's not fair.  And then, why is having higher standards of behavior for better kids accepted and encouraged, but skipping their grade in school to a level that matched theirs called, "not letting a kid be a kid".  

In other words, and I've thought this was awful since I was a kid and I still think this is awful,  everybody agrees that it is "let a kid be a kid" if you ration knowledge slowly and "save something to learn when they are older" but it's ok and expected to hold more responsible kids to higher and higher standards of "good" (mature) behavior and even to use them as "crowd control" for the other kids because it's convenient.  

These are Our Own unresolved issues from growing up gifted and they are Unresolvable because nobody thinks it's their responsibility to change their behavior on this for a million and one excuses why.  Whine.  Whine.  Whine.  Adjust.  (or don't- it doesn't matter).  This whole post shows very immature thinking because there's no solution, sadly.  Much Sadness.

My old, unresolved feelings:

IMO Childhood Innocence = Ignorance, but ='s being unburdened

Reality childhood = Irresponsible, but ='s sheltered from "growing up too fast" where growing up too fast = making their own decisions

lucounu: I feel like it's fairly presumptuous of you to think YOU know what I'M feeling (anger vs. frustration) because of a comment I made that was *written* in a post on a forum. Especially since I attempted to explain how I was feeling in order to clarify.

It seems that we just disagree about how this teacher should have handled the situation, and as I replied before...that's totally fine.

I'm all for a healthy debate, but I feel like I'm being baited or psychoanalyzed.

I'm just responding to OP.

I get you. I totally think the teacher didn't handle it well.

You and your son should just sit down and talk about how this may always be an issue and how to handle it.

When DD skipped for the first time, I sat down with her and discuss this very thing. How her age and her academic abilities aren't always aligned. How people have preconceived ideas of her and how she must always go in there proving herself. Even though logically you know what you're in for it gets old sometimes. You just sit down and talk and regroup.

DD and I are a team. I tend to be the toughest one on her. Explaining that I will hold her up to a very high standard because this is what she will face. I told her then that if she wanted the skip this is the challenge she must face..was she ready? She agreed to this as she knows this is training for ultimately handling various situations.

GL!

I did believe that you were angry furiously peeved, and perhaps that was presumptuous. Still, thoughts of defensive mother tigers don't evoke frustration so much. We don't need to nitpick about my choice of words further, do we?

I'm certainly not trying to bait or psychoanalyze you, and I think you've been a bit quick to take offense, but I'm chalking it up to frustration. You initially pointedly ignored my comments, and you clearly dislike that I'm in disagreement with you. I still think that it's best to view it from the teacher's perspective and the possible consequences of the behavior, like it or not. Most good parents would tend to instantly see things from their child's point of view, but it's not the only one.

I have some experience with negotiation and mediation, so that might contribute to more of an objective viewpoint. When faced with situations like yours, I'd tend to look at the entire context as a problem that needs to be solved, rather than myself as an advocate for my child over who's right (although I can certainly fit that role when necessary too). Many situations can be resolved with a minimum of fuss when everyone's concerns are validated and steps are taken to address them, within reason. From that perspective, anger furious peevishness, resentment or frustration over the actions of others can be counterproductive.

I agree with what lmp writes about our children often needing to prove themselves, even though it's unfair. I don't think it's possible to completely eliminate the misunderstandings or bias that may prompt such comments. The best we can do is to educate people when possible, encourage our children to behave as expected in their accelerated environments, and minimize any harm when things don't go as planned.

I had a teacher (who is wonderful ) tell me my daughter was "very immature." She didn't say it with any malice - she was simply stating what she perceived to be fact.

The correct thing to say, of course, would have been "your daughter is very unbalanced" (i.e. cognitively advanced and socially delayed), but that's not what she said.

Was she correct? Absolutely. Did she use the best choice of words? Possibly not.

Do I care? Not really, not anymore. I've past being worn down and now I'm at that awesome place of "whatever."

I think i would be much more upset to be told my kid was unbalanced than just immature.

It's true, I suppose, that "unbalanced" sounds pretty negative... but at least by saying that she would have acknowledged the GT component. In the conversation we had she was simply dwelling on my daughter's social immaturity, while completely ignoring that there was an equally atypical strength. Ah well. It's done now, and almost three years have passed...

my favorite teacher comment from the past was that our daughter wasnt as bright as we thought she was and if we disciplined her more at home we wouldnt have problems with her misbehaving at school. the teacher had her in the lowest reading group and lowest math group in an early primary grade. (but we didnt know that until later) this is what ultimately led to us getting her evaluated. We later found a computerized reading test that this teacher gave our child and never told us about that put her reading at a high school level.......
somehow these wounds fade and become less important but they never go all the way away do they? criticism of the offspring induces mommabear transformation. especially when it is inaccurate and not helpful. asynchonous kids are sometimes tough to raise. and even harder to explain to most mainsteam educators.

My DS8 gets those sort of comments all the time. He's 8, but very tall (closer in size to a 10yr old), can be very well spoken, BUT has PDD-NOS, and ADHD... I know he gets very frustrated by the expectations people have of him. Especially little things.. he can't remember a list of 4 chores to go do, regardless of how smart he is, he just can't do it.