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Hi
Spin off from the awkward adult conversation - and the conversation about arrogance- what about the awkward kid statements - and your kid is the awkward one?

Have heard once myself and once DS reporting - he announced to an individual and in one case a group - that he is very smart.

I am bothered by this. Not sure if it's the adult knowledge that it's just not a good thing to do that, worries that he will alienate people this way, I want to say something to him but I know that part of it is because the kids he was talking to are good at sports and he is not.

I was thinking of saying that we don't announce stuff like that, it's like telling someone you have blonde hair, you don't need to tell people that. But I am sort of stumped about why, and he will ask why! what is the rationale for telling him to not do this - no bragging - but it's not bragging.

Thoughts? BTDT? Is this just my discomfort and it's perfectly acceptable behavior for 6? I find I cringe a lot about apparently normal 6 year old boy behavior in ND kids so maybe I am just being unreasonable and sensitive, a la those other threads?

DeHe

Looking forward to responses on this, because DD8 does it all the time. I wish I knew what to do about it.

DS9 (who has AS) has a significant arrogance/bragging problem. We emphasize a few points with him (over and over):

--there are many kinds of smartness; some people are great at knowing what to say; some people are great at reading feelings; some are great at math; some are great at spatial tasks like knitting; some are great at sports. Almost nobody is great at everything, including you; everybody has something they are great at. School smarts are NOT the only important kind of smarts.

--talking about your own strengths is indeed rude. (It is bragging, even if it's true, IMO.) It is permissible to notice the strengths, and use them in talking with your teachers or parents, but not permissible to go around talking about how wonderful you are. It can hurt people's feelings.

--we offer replacement language. It is okay to say "I love math!" but not "I am so awesome at math!" because one is a statement of enjoyment or preference, while the other is a brag.

--we actively practice offering compliments to others, to make DS learn to recognize and value their accomplishments.

--we compliment DS in areas other than his strongest ones; we make a much bigger deal of praising his effort if he achieves in an area in which he is not naturally good at things. This also makes him more aware of what others can do.

I am hoping that with practice he will mature out of this habit of thought.

DeeDee

I outlined the situation to DS8 and asked him what he thought you should say. His suggestion: "She could tell him that she knows someone on the internet whose son [that would be him :-)] is very very good at maths. And it somehow .... got out.... that he was very good at maths, and now older children keep asking him to do maths problems even when he doesn't want to." (This is now at the level of a minor irritation - it's coming from children 4ish years older than him, who are intrigued that he can do more maths than they can, not from his own classmates, who accept him - but clearly he feels he could have played his cards better earlier on, though I don't remember any very blatant incidents!)

DS adds, "Or she could tell him that it might hurt people's feelings. But since he's only 6, he might not really get that, and it might not have much effect."!

LOL Colinsmum, your DS sounds very thoughtful.

This happened to my DS too, when we subject-accelerated him-- it turned into a circus act for a while in the halls of the school.

I would put this kind of interaction into a different category than bragging. If someone asks a direct question that requests DS to show off, deciding whether and how to answer, and how to judge the intentions of the asker, is a social nuance well past my DS's capabilities then (and probably now).

DeeDee

I think that therein is the value of finding an intellectual peer group for HG+ kids. My dd13 was never one to make comments that could be construed as bragging (other than answering honestly when parents would ask stupid questions like, "my dc is reading at this level. What level are you reading at?). However, she's been distinctly not big headed about her smarts since skipping a grade.

That put her with a group that was, on average, 18 months older than she and some of her friends in grade are about two years older (combo of bd that just made the K cut for dd and the skip plus a lot of redshirting in our area). She also found at least one HG-PG friend who is 18 months older than herself in middle school and who is immensely strong in math, which is dd's weakest subject. Pre-skip, even though it was her weakest subject, she was often in the situation of being the most able and high achieving in the class in math and serving as a teacher's helper.

I'd say that a combo of talking with him about it and actively seeking peers for him so he gets a broader perspective than the big fish in small pond mentality may help.

There is a small but real chance that finding a bigger pond for a child will backfire. For instance, a child may not think much of himself/herself for being substantially smarter than their school mates. However, if you find them a select group of supposedly smart people, and they STILL find themselves to be substantially smarter than the "smart" kids... well, that could go to their heads.

Is your DS exposed to any slightly older gifted kids? Sometimes it is good for kids to see other people who are ahead of them even if they are in a different grade.

All of my kids are in a gt program (separate gt-only classrooms in a traditional school) so most of their friends are defined as gifted by their school. I recall one of my middle's kids' birthday parties. One of my middle DD's friends was bragging about being the smartest kid in the room. One of my oldest DD's friends took the kid down a few notches. She told the girl that she was being arrogant, rude and, quite frankly, stupid. She asked how you define "smart" and gave examples of other people in the room who she knew could do the same thing, if not, more. She pointed out that that this kid was in a room of gifted people (including adults!) and that the kid was making assumptions about other people without knowing anything about them. It was far more effective than anything one of the adults could have said.

I think that emphasizing the listeners point of view is the way to go. Ask them kindly how they would feel if another child approached them and said matter of fact-ly that they were a terrific skater or a super reader or will be the next Picasso? Help him walk through the feelings that might arise on the other persons part like jealousy or annoyance or boredom.
Of course, it is totally normal and will pass but I think a good way to get through it is to work on empathetic speaking/listening.

I think that is true. I was advocating more for true peers not just kids who are smart or at a lower LOG. In my dd's instance that absolutely did not come from grade level GT classes or summer programs marketed to gifted kids in her age range. It came from HG+ older kids.

I do realize that we, to some extent, just lucked out b/c she could as easily have wound up in GT classes with older kids who still appeared slow to her. There absolutely were some of those kids in her GT classes and still are. If I'm being honest, I'd have to say that the majority of the kids in her GT/honors classes still come across that way to her and, now being a teen, she can be pretty snotty about it at home. OTOH, just the one or two who were at her LOG or above (definitely above for the one girl) and older made a big difference in giving her perspective.