Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy How to tell neighborhood moms about dd's skip

so thanks for all of the feedback again, and good luck to those facing this issue!

I have to say--it went just fine. I guess I sort of, ummm...stretched the truth a little by saying the school suggested it...but the school was extremely supportive of it. The reception has generally been just fine--(or at least they are good actors). I think the kids weren't surprised either, (even though I think it is a very rare thing here). One woman who subs in the middle school was sort of open-mouthed incredulous (how on earth could a kid need more challenge than what is offered, are you crazy sort of look) but other than that it has been fine. It was a different dynamic though since we are new so less competitive. I predict it will be a different experience with dd5 starting kindy. (who I think could prob. benefit from a skip but she is more complicated)

Dd has finally made a great friend in our neighborhood--sadly she is only going into 5th. (dd wishes she could skip into 7th--and this is a kid who probably could easily skip. dd finally has someone to talk about books with--just funny that she is younger!) This girl also has an older brother who will be in 7th like dd--the mom has been very nice and supportive. Brother will be in the advanced content classes with dd and seems like a nice kid.

soooo...that is our update.

My son skipped mid year from 1st to 2nd and is now going into 5th. He is taller than most of the kids in 5th so we don't get many questions now, but they do still come up occasionally. I prefer the blame and dodge method. It goes like this "Oh my husband met with some people and it just all came out that way. Can you pass those delicious cookies?" Despite the fact that my husband was only in the meetings to be the "suit" and really just nods and agrees with me :-)

We have gotten the blame of anything he ever does wrong is because of the skip. Again blame and dodge "The doctor/principal/teacher/psychologist/grandparent/other adult says it's totally unrelated. Can you pass those delicious cookies?"

When I have been asked why my eldest child is a year young for his grade, I say we put him in a private KG at age 4, because he was reading fluently and we thought he was ready for KG. This is a true, non-defensive statement, unlike many of the things I have read on this thread. Society needs to be more realistic about differences in intelligence and their implications, and clarity rather than obfuscation by the parents of gifted children can spread such realism.

I don't know that most or any of us are attempting to be dishonest or defensive. I think that we wind up straddling that line, though, when we recognize that we will be met with hostility. Whether it is the right thing to do, maybe not, but unless one has a tough skin or feels okay with other parents being hurt, it can be very, very hard.

Like a pp mentioned, one of the people I really tried to avoid telling was a mom who I believe is insecure. There were years of comparisions btwn our kids to the point that it damaged not only my relationship with the other parent, but the kids' relationship such that they really aren't friends anymore. Dd got really tired of being quizzed on what she could do and being told, falsely, that the other child was one upping her on everything when she responded honestly. Honesty hurt this other parent's feelings.

I thought about it a lot and really don't think that there was malintent. I also came to the general conclusion that I was being unkind by being totally upfront about my dd. I also had to realize over time that I could not allow my other dd, who is a less obvious HG kid on the surface, to be thrown under the bus, which is what happened after it became more and more clear that my other one could not be 'kept up' with. I've been a bit more upfront about my less traditional high achiever's abilities b/c I don't want her to be the consolation prize a la 'at least my kids are smarter than her other child.'

My point is that, while my children's self image comes first, I try not to be blatently honest when I don't need to be if I am aware that it is going to damage someone's already fragile self image or set off another round of parental competition.

I don't go around telling other parents how beautiful my kid is, either. The goal of social chit-chat is not to enlighten other people to your received truth, regardless of how true it may be.

The uncomfortable and awkward discussions, IME, come up as social chit-chat. I've had some parents take me aside privately and ask for details for reasons related to finding the least-worst placement for their own kids, and I don't find those conversations to be difficult at all. A whole 'nother conversation than, "So, which teacher did your kid have in 2nd grade?" "Um, she didn't have a second grade teacher."

I agree with what you are saying, but in the era of Tiger Mom it doesn't always work out that way. I certainly had non-defensive conversations with people that asked earnestly and kindly. But those that approach on the playground/park/PTA meeting with a snotty "So, I heard you got (DS) moved up to 2nd because the 1st grade teacher is too boring" or "Janie reads far better than (DS) so why did you think he should get to move up if she didn't?" (real statements, both) it's hard to remain calm and carry on. People who want to understand my DS, or who care about the system or need info for their own child are those I'm more than open with.

But the super cheery-yet-vicious questions are not worth my time.