Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy How to tell neighborhood moms about dd's skip

yeah. I like that. You can emphasize the "cut-off birthday kids and how hard it is to figure out what grade to put them in, and then with the move, and the change from Montessori... as long as you mention it was the school's idea, seems to me you're good to go. I know some posters like to keep it simple, but I also see some point in explaining too much. I think other parents start to think that in your shoes they wouldn't have known what grade to put their kid into either.. (not that you didn't, but just a little muddy water doing its trick)

I am faced with this same issue. Last year we subject accelerated our DS8 in Math and I chose not to say anything to the parents of my sons friends. One of his friends (one of his best friends) moms is a pretty good friend. However she is really competitve and I didn't want to bring it up. So I didn't. It ended up coming up in the teacher work room when his math teacher came in and we started talking about him. It was the first week of school. It was very akward and then had to say something. Just very uncomfortable and has been the entire year. So this year he is being grade accelerated and once again I am struggling with what to do. As soon as the mom asks me what teacher he has it is going to come up and again by akward. I want to bring it up so it isn't as weird but just not sure how to do it. Any ideas?

Wow!! I guess I have a long road ahead of me because my gifted child is only 2 1/2 and moms are already acting really cold when they see that he is more advanced than their children in some ways.
This is so sad that people can't just be happy for each other and that they are constantly competing with their children. These are the same moms that openly brag about everything their kids do too and we have to be quiet just because of the gifted issue. I can see not going around bragging but I think you should be able to be honest.

If someone asks a question and is disturbed by an honest answer, it is their fault for asking the question, not yours for answering it.

So, he's skipping a full grade not just subject accelerating again, right? I don't know that you did anything wrong with the last occurrence in that I don't see any reason why subject acceleration needs to be mentioned to other parents. My dd11 is taking Algebra I next year, as are a number of other kids in her grade, but I'm sure that there are friends of mine, family members, parents of kids with whom she attends school, etc. who still do not know that she is subject accelerating in math even though she did last year as well. I'd agree, though, that grade skips tend to be so obvious that you won't be able to keep in under wraps and you probably should let friends who will find out anyway know.

Like I said earlier up in the thread, I don't think that my trying to avoid telling people when dd13 skipped 5th worked out too well and I'd probably do it differently now even with people who are insecure and likely to get defensive or hurt. I'd probably take one of two approaches:

1) approach the mom and tell her that you realize that last year you didn't handle it well when you didn't tell her that your ds was subject accelerating in math so you wanted to be the first to tell her this time that he will be in a different grade in the fall than expected. I'd stress here that the school approached you (if that is true), that there was an evaluation process that looked at a lot beyond ability and achievement (in case it sounds like you saying that your kid is more able or a higher achiever), and that you hope that he is able to find friends in his new class and very much value the support of the friends he holds close now.

or

2) I'd wait for her to ask about his teacher for next year and then go into essentially the same spiel.

We have not grade-skipped, but we moved DD to a gifted magnet, and dealt with some fall-out. On reflection, I wish I had been more confident with my little "speech" when I explained my choice (even though I was not that confident). I think people saw my feelings of hesitation as the a-ok to attack. So...be firm and cheerful and suggest with your tone that you brook no opposition...even if you do have doubts.

Thanks everyone and keep the ideas coming! So worried about this. Really with just the one mom. I like the suggestion of making sure we are confident, thanks!

Good idea on telling the mom I didn't like how I brought it up last year so this year trying to loop her in earlier...

I can't say the school suggested it because they didnt. Our principle would never suggest it so we have had to fight for everything that we have gotten for our DS8. So unfortunately I can't say that. Plus this mom is the PTO president so she will know it wasn't the school.

Its just a hard sitatuion because I don't want to upset her to much as her son and mine are really good friends and it will hurt the outside school relationship as she will not be as open to it...

You can probably tell there is a lot more to the story then she is a friend. She used to be a really close friend and as I got to know her couldn't handle the competitive stuff so have tried to give space but keep something there so the boys are still able to hang out. Because a true friend I wouldn't stress this much about telling! UGH!

In our district, accelerations and skips are handled in the same way: only at the parent's request, and based purely on testing. It makes it really hard to not look like a pushy parent with a higher-achieving kid.

When DD skipped 2nd, I had a long discussion with her first grade teacher before we decided to attempt the skip, and one thing her teacher said was that there were several kids in DD's class who were ahead enough to skip. So I played up that idea when I was talking to other parents. The kids came up with it all on their own - "I could have done that if I'd wanted to" was the most-common reaction DD got, even from kids who give no sign of being high achieving.

Particularly in K and 1st, there's enough spread in achievement that my kid did not stand out as unusual. (Her first grade teacher said the reading abilities of kids in her class spanned 9 grade levels, and my DD was not the best-testing reader.) As the kids get older, though, she stands out more. If she does a subject acceleration for the coming year (as a 5th grader taking one or more 6th grade classes), I don't know that there'd be any "I could have done that if I'd wanted." OTOH, I don't know that any of the kids would be the least bit surprised that DD was doing it.

Also...unfortunately...be prepared for it to come up if there are ever any issues with your child farther down the road. DD has recently been dxed with anxiety and depression and I was dismayed that my friends' reaction was almost uniformly, "Do you think it's all the PRESSURE at the GIFTED MAGNET?" (Answer: No. Not at all. DD breezed through the year with straight As every quarter, though homework was a bit of an issue. And since you've known my super-intense DD since she was a baby, how on earth could you think this? Sigh.)

Yeah I am expecting that to be the reason for everything go forward which is just ridiculous! Every child growing up comes across different issues but I am sure it will always be because we grade accelerated him. I have an older child and we have issues and changes in him all the time. Thats what happens as kids grow up! We would have that if we grade accelerated or not!!