Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Must I lie? Why oh Why? (rant)

I tended to skirt the question when my kids were younger as well. It kind of is hard to explain in most circles that your 6yo is reading old obstetric textbooks and Sylvia Plath. Easier just to say "oh, I don't know, whatever she finds on the shelf-- she's not real picky".
That having been said...some parents will make it a contest no matter what, and some of those parents are parents of gifted children. You've run into one, and she apparently thought either that you were one and had just one-upped her, or that she was going to win the Perfect Child Competition and was miffed that she didn't.
My experience, fwiw, leads me to not engage if I can avoid it. But if they ask more than once, I won't downplay things, either. It doesn't do anyone a service to do so-- because as you discovered, it just prolongs the inevitable. And that's continued well past playground discussions, and into middle and high school. Only there The Grand Mommy Rollcall of Offspring Excellence is usually voiced as "yeah, well, Petunia, obviously, but who *else?"

One thing I learned to is to go where you already know they're going to go. If you acknowledge their reaction and disarm it before it happens, it can sometimes change the outcome. (Sometimes, not always)

For example, I used to say things like, " You know, I can hardly believe it myself, but she's already devoured the entire Harry Potter series, and I'm scrambling to keep up with her. For a while, I tried to get her to slow down because I was afraid it would keep her from being a kid, but I've come to understand that this is just her being herself. So, most of the time I'm exhausted keeping up - which is why I'm so excited to see her interested in baseball. For a bit I can just hang out and enjoy watching all of our kids."

I know it's terrible in some ways, but when other parents see the down side to raising a driven, high IQ kid, they are allowd to pity you - which gives them the equal footing to not feel intimidated.

I was in a similar situation where I heard a mom's judgmental remarks as I walked away, and I did go back and address them. I told her I couldn't help hearing what she said and then said, "You're right. I'm not raising my kid to be normal, because he isn't. He hasn't fit the norm since he started trying to hack passwords in our computer at 3 years old. What I am trying to do is to help him be ok with who he is and help him have normal experiences as best I can. So if you'd like to go to coffee sometime and give me pointers, I'd love the support."

Sometimes we have to step up and be ambassadors of enlightening others and sometimes it's easier just to walk away and chalk it up to ignorance.

This is really great--I wish I could come up with these kinds of responses on the spot, but I am just not very quick in situations like this. I really like your approach.

"What difference does it make?" is a good response.

The thing is, a lot of parents (especially moms) seem to have a thing about using their kids to compete with each other. Here's my analysis of the situation: these little competitions have all the gloss of a casual friendly chat, but under the surface, there's a lot of stress going on. I presume that they're driven by one-upsmanship in a strange hierarchy-by-proxy, where the kids are the unknowing competitors and the parents are the proxies for them. It's all built on a foundation of insecurity.

If the kids are all in a close-ish range of ability, the parents can compete away with a reasonable expectation that they can move their kids (and therefore themselves) up the hierarchy. "If I work with Johnny a bit more, I can get him to Sally's level and talk about it next week."

Anyone who's well outside the range won't fit in. If your child is behind, you might feel lousy when they're all competing and your child hasn't reached that level yet. IMO, they don't care about your child's struggles; they're only interested in themselves in this situation. Alternatively, if your child is well ahead, group insecurity might kick in, and the group will find a way to exclude you. Your child (and you by proxy) makes them feel bad. So if they get rid of you, they also banish the bad feelings as much as they can. Your kid just upset their odd competition. Reacting as a group and excluding you gives them a way to restore the equilibrium of their worldview.

Does my pop-psychology analysis make sense?

Personally, I don't have any time for this sort of thing. Blech. My strategy in situations like this is to just avoid the mommy cliques and find the people who aren't pecking each other. They're usually pretty easy to spot because they're alone or hanging out with someone else who doesn't fit in. Or I just bring a book, depending on my mood.

Of course it's a competition. Everybody wants to win!

Remember, each of us is in direct competition against the other 7 billion people on the planet.

This is an interesting thread for me, I guess because I instinctively tend to avoid talking to other parents except in the most vague and general terms perhaps because I suspect this sort of thing would probably happen. I love ABQMoms approach and wish I had the social finesse to carry it off, but I know I could never be that adept in the moment. I think the thing to remember is that there really are a lot of "Dragon Parents" out there, so even to a benign observer if you discuss your kids' talents, it might seem that you are pushing them rather than trying to accommodate their interests. This is why I think it would be important to remember to mention/emphasize as in ABQMoms response that it is your *kid* doing the pushing, not you. If I had been pushing rather than following DD, she would probably be doing much more advanced math by now. But then, she might not *want* to do it either, like her older cousin who was pushed to do violin lessons for a number of years until he absolutely refused to do it any more. Very tricky.

I agree.

This may be one of those golden rules things. What is the adult version of "what's her reading level?" Maybe "How much money does she make?" "Has she received promotions at work?" If your spouse or best friend was asked these questions about you by someone they met five minutes ago would you expect them to answer honestly? Would you be totally embarrassed if they talked about those private aspects of your work performance?

I would expect they'd probably say something vaguely positive and vague and change the subject. In the mom conversation for me it would go something like this "Yes, she loves to read" change the subject.

My other thought about these exchanges is that it is good to check in with yourself about your feelings. Is part of it that you are feeling defensive due to homeschooling or something else? If so, maybe try to process that and it may be easier to draw a firm line and not get drawn into it.

Exactly -- you're not losing a thing, not having that bunch to talk to! Look around and find a person with a book, or one trying to blend into the wallpaper, and there's your ally.

These things make me crazy, Today, I was with a group of Moms and of course the discussion turns to school... One Mom was going on about Giftedness and how hard it is to raise her child who is "rediculously smart, but clueless". She knows my younger DD has LD and therefore obviously is not very bright (SARCASM)...Then she said, "You are so lucky to have a slower kid like ..... raising a gifted kid is such hard work! I, bit my tongue, but I really wanted to let her have it. Sometimes, you just have to realize it isn't worth it...and let it go.

Petty, rude, unkind ... You have more self-control than me. I would've likely called her out on it.